Eurovision Song Contest 2020 – the show that never was – Semi Final One

EurovisionGreetings gentle reader, and welcome to this slightly different version of my usual Eurovision Preview. As you know, this year’s Eurovision has gone the way of The Great Soprendo’s magic – piff paff poff. So here are the contenders for the first Semi Final – and what you have to do is listen, appreciate, enjoy, but also employ your critical faculties and come up with your top ten songs. Then simply send me an email, awarding 12 points to your favourite, 10 points to your second favourite, then 8, 7, 6, etc in true Eurovision style. I’ll then add them up and we will have a grand Opening the Envelopes ceremony next week.

SnowdropBecause the draw for the order of performance was never officially made, all we can do is look at the first half and second half allocations and ask Snowdrop, the Psychic Bear, to guess the order that the songs would have appeared on Tuesday 12th May. Over to you, Snowdrop.

Snowdrop has rubbed his temples and concluded that the first song to be performed is North Macedonia, with You, performed by Vasil.

Next up is Slovenia, and it’s Ana Soklič with Voda. Thank you, Snowdrop.

Psychic Snowdrop’s third choice is Australia, whose song is Don’t Break Me by Montaigne.

Fourth in the running order is Ireland, with Story of my Life by Lesley Roy.

Snowdrop’s temples are really throbbing now. He’s going to be such a diva when this is over. His next choice is Russia, with Uno by Little Big.

Snowdrop started to waggle his hands over his head which can only mean one thing: his next choice is another of the favourites, Lithuania, with On Fire by The Roop.

The seventh of these 17 songs comes from Sweden, it’s Move by The Mamas.

And the last song from the “first half pot” of countries comes from Belarus – Da Vidna by VAL.

So, whilst Snowdrop has gone off for a massage, it’s time for me to head to the Green Room to see how the stars are coping with the pressure.

Montaigne, tell me, if I said that your whole career depended on this moment, how would you react?

Montaigne: DON’T BREAK ME!!

Oops, didn’t realise she was so tetchy. OK, Lesley Roy from Ireland, is this the first time that you’ve had a big disappointment like this, or is it…


Ah I’m beginning to see a thread here. OK. So, Little Big, what was the first car you ever owned?

Little Big: Un –

Sorry, have to stop you there before you reply because Snowdrop is back from the massage parlour with a strange sort of self-satisfied smirk on his face…. Better get on.

Starting off the second half of this semi-final it’s Norway, with Ulrikke and Attention.

Snowdrop’s rubbing his temples again. I hope he’s washed his hands. He’s chosen next Malta, with Destiny and All of my Love.

Snowdrop’s now applying a moisturiser. He’s such a strange bear. Next is Israel, with Eden Alene and Feker Libi.

He’s now got cucumber poultices over his eyes whilst relaxing over a manicure. I’m not sure he’s taking this seriously. His next choice is Ukraine, with Go_A and Solovey.

Snowdrop has just knocked back a double vodka, from which I deduce the next song is Roxen’s Alcohol You for Romania.

He’s also demanded some Brussels paté, so I’m guessing it’s Belgium next, Hooverphonic with Release Me.

Snowdrop just said “Croatia” with a dismissive stare. I hate that bear sometimes. Just cos he’s got psychic powers he thinks he owns the place. Here’s Damir Kedzo with Divlji vjetre.

I’m going to demote Snowdrop from this important task for the next semi-final. He won’t see that coming. Here’s Efendi for Azerbaijan with Cleopatra.

Apparently his psychic powers are pretty good, because he did see that coming and has just stuck two fingers up at me and stomped off. That’s what comes of getting a rescue bear. No pedigree. Never again. Anyway, that leaves just one song to play – Running, by Sandro, for Cyprus.

So your task now is to whittle down these songs into a top ten and send me your decision. You know the score – 12 points to your favourite, 10 to your second, 8 to the third and so on. You can email me at – or send me a DM on Facebook, if we’re pals. Or you can put your scores in a comment on this blog and I will redact your answers! Please DON’T openly write your scores down as an open comment on Facebook or Twitter for everyone to see because that would be SILLY. You’ve got until midnight (UK time) on Sunday April 5th to make your mind up. I’m off to settle Snowdrop’s psychoanalyst’s account. Pain in the arse, that bear.

So what happens now?

TheatricalsAnother Suitcase in Another Hall… no, this is no time for Evita. With theatres, cinemas and pubs closed, there’s not a lot for me to talk about in these stressful times. No plays, films, comedy, dance; the local University acting students’ FlashFringe Festival has been cancelled, and, looking ahead, can you really see the Edinburgh Fringe taking place as normal? Still, at least we’ve always got Eurovisi…. Ah, bollocks!

Agatha ChristieDon’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. It’s vital that these events be shut down and that people do their best not to come into contact with others so that this terrible virus can be managed and its potency reduced. The quicker we hole up and hunker down, the quicker we can go out again. On a personal note, I’m happy to report that Mrs Chrisparkle and I, plus all our extended families and close friends, seem to be currently healthy and I pray to the God I don’t believe in that this will continue. Mrs C is permanently working from home but, luckily for us, we’re used to each other’s company, having worked together in the past, so we’re not yet calling in the divorce lawyers. In the absence of live theatre action, there’s always the written word, so I’ll be continuing with my Agatha Christie Challenge and my Paul Berna Challenge, and I’ll try to keep up with my James Bond Challenge too. My friend Lord Liverpool’s new book is out soon and I’m reading it so that I can grill him on these pages in a month or so’s time.

ESCBut yeah, Eurovision…. It was never going to be sensible or even possible, to get people from all around the world congregating in Rotterdam in mid-May. The EBU in their wisdom have declared that the songs that had been chosen for this year will not be eligible for the 2021 contest – and I can appreciate that in fourteen months’ time those songs could feel stale to the performers and some fresh excitement needs to be injected. However, that means there are 41 songs this year that have ended up in no man’s land; and some of them are pretty amazing.

James NewmanSo I thought I’d conduct my own Eurovision Song Contest 2020 through this blog; two semi-finals and a final consisting of the top twenty from the semis plus the Netherlands and the Big Five. It’ll take a week or so to set up I expect, so watch this space for the first semi-final coming soon and advice on how to vote.

Are you with me?

Favourite Eurovision Entries of the Decade by Country

EurovisionOther friends have done it – so I’m giving it a go too. This post does exactly what it says on the tin; these are my favourite entries of the last ten years from all the Eurovision competing countries. Expect some shocks and surprises!

A quick breakdown reveals the numbers by years:

2011, 2017 and 2018, 2 entries each

2012, 2014, 2016 and 2019, 4 entries each

2013, 5 entries

2015, 7 entries

2010, 12 entries


Albania 16th in 2010 – Juliana Pasha – It’s All About You

Armenia 7th in 2010 – Eva Rivas – Apricot Stone

Australia 2nd in 2016 – Dami Im – Sound of Silence

Austria 1st in 2014 – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like a Phoenix

Azerbaijan 2nd in 2013 – Farid Mammadov – Hold Me

Belarus 16th in 2014 – Teo – Cheesecake

Belgium 12th in 2013 – Roberto Bellarossa – Love Kills

Bosnia & Herzegovina 17th in 2010 – Vukašin Brajić – Thunder And Lightning

Bulgaria Failed to qualify in 2010 – Miro – Angel si ti

Croatia Failed to qualify in 2011 – Daria – Celebrate

Cyprus 16th in 2010 – Ivi Adamou – La La Love

Czech Republic 11th in 2019 – Lake Malawi – Friend of a Friend

Denmark 9th in 2018 – Rasmussen – Higher Ground

Estonia 7th in 2015 – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Finland 24th in 2013 – Krista Siegfrids – Marry Me

France 6th in 2016 – Amir – J’ai Cherché

Georgia 9th in 2011 – Eldrine – One More Day

Germany 1st in 2010 – Lena – Satellite

Greece 17th in 2012 – Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

Hungary 24th in 2012 – Compact Disco – Sound of our Hearts

Iceland 19th in 2010 – Hera Björk – Je Ne Sais Quoi

Ireland Failed to qualify in 2016 – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

Israel 9th in 2015 – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

Italy 6th in 2017 – Francesco Gabbani – Occidentalis Karma

Latvia Failed to qualify in 2014 – Aarzemnieki – Cake to Bake

Lithuania 22nd in 2013 – Andrius Pojavis – Something

Malta 8th in 2013 – Gianluca Bezzina – Tomorrow

Moldova 11th in 2012 – Pasha Parfeny – Lăutar


Montenegro 13th in 2015 Knez – Adio

Netherlands Failed to qualify in 2015 – Trijntje Oosterhuis – Walk Along

North Macedonia Failed to qualify in 2017 – Jana Burčeska – Dance Alone

Norway 8th in 2015 – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Poland Failed to qualify in 2010 – Marcin Mroziński – Legenda

Portugal Failed to qualify in 2014 – Suzy – Quero ser tua

Romania 3rd in 2010 – Playing with Fire – Paula Seling and Ovi

Russia 11th in 2010 – Peter Nalitch & Friends – Lost and Forgotten

San Marino 19th in 2019 – Serhat – Say Na Na Na

Serbia 10th in 2015 – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Slovakia Failed to qualify in 2010 – Kristina Pelakova – Horehronie

Slovenia 14th in 2015 – Maraaya – Here For You

Spain 22nd in 2019 – Miki – La Venda

Sweden 1st in 2012 – Loreen – Euphoria

Switzerland 4th in 2019 – Luca Hänni – She Got Me

Turkey 2nd in 2010 – maNga – We Could be the Same

Ukraine 17th in 2018 – Melovin – Under the Ladder

United Kingdom 24th in 2016 – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone


I’m sure you’ll disagree and have your own favourites – let me know in the comment box!

Eurovision 2019 – The Grand Final

These final six songs are already guaranteed to be there on the Saturday night without any further possibilities of elimination. As the performance order is not yet decided I’m going to take them in alphabetical order. As usual, each preview will have its own star rating and its average bookmaker odds courtesy of, as at 17th April. And once again, I wrote these reflections before rehearsals started, so they’re very much impressions from the videos and listening to the recordings. Stick with it, you know you want to.

France – Bilal Hassani – Roi

Bilal HassaniYou can’t fault the message of this song, nor its heritage, being written by Madame Monsieur of Mercy fame. I rather like its very natural bilingual structure, and there’s no doubt that Bilal has great presence. I just wish the tune was more interesting! To be fair, the verse builds nicely, but just when you want the chorus to soar, it teeters and totters and fails to ignite. Not a patch, sadly, on Conchita’s similarly themed That’s What I Am. Jealous of those epaulettes, though. 40-1. **

Germany – S!sters – Sister

SistersWhat’s the German for Marmite? Not for the first time, Germany sends a song that divides people. When I first heard it, I instinctively disliked it, which is not a good thing for a Eurovision song where you need that instant capture. It’s ploddy; and while parts of it are alright, at other times it ranges from sickly sweet to caterwauling. Mrs Chrisparkle, however, on first hearing, thought it was pretty good! Maybe it’s a girl thing. It’s still my bet for coming 26th on the night. Was 125-1, now drifting. *

Israel – Kobi Marimi – Home

Kobi MarimiNearly every Eurovision chucks up a big ballad that would be perfect in a huge West End show, and Home is 2019’s prime example of the genre. Kobi has a rather stylised manner of singing which puts me off slightly, but, when all’s said and done, this is a very nice song. Perfect for karaoke. We know that it will be sung in 14th position on Saturday night, which isn’t that great a draw – only three songs from the last ten years in that position have had a top ten finish, whilst two have finished last. I sense this could struggle. 200-1. ***

Italy – Mahmood – Soldi

MahmoodTime for one of the year’s big hitters, Mahmood, who won this year’s San Remo Festival despite a spat of displeasure from the far-right minister Matteo Salvini, who basically told the singer the equivalent of you ain’t no Italian, bruv. However, Mahmood is having the last laugh, riding high in both the betting and in the international OGAE vote. The song has an unpredictable structure, with three repeated parts, any one of which you might think of as its chorus, which adds to its slight air of mystery. Three minutes of (what feels like totally justified) recrimination of an absentee father who preferred money to his son. Powerful stuff, performed with style. Was 8-1, now shortening slightly. *****

Spain – Miki – La Venda

MikiAnd it just gets better and better. The infectiously entertaining Miki presents the glorious La Venda, whether in a smart, polished studio version filmed on the streets, or in a raucous, fun-filled live performance backed by a girl marching band. The internal rhythms of the Spanish lyrics (for instance,“Te vives, alto voltaje, te traje buenas noticias”) help towards creating a fiesta-feel for this rather clever song about self-awareness and what happens when the blindfold falls. Personally, I have no idea why this isn’t the evens money favourite, and for me it’s one of the top three Spanish entries of all time. Was 100-1, now around 66-1. *****

United Kingdom – Michael Rice – Bigger than Us

Michael RiceI’ll be honest, I wasn’t very impressed with the choice of songs for the UK at this year’s national final, but, on the whole, the British public probably chose the best option. Michael Rice has a very good voice, but his style is totally not my thing, and it’s been decades since I’ve felt this distanced from my own country’s entry. I can only wish him well, as I’d love the UK to host next year – but if he won it would be a travesty. 150-1 **

Have a great time watching the show on May 18th, wherever you are – at home with some crisps, at a party, or in Tel Aviv. May the best song win!

Eurovision 2019 – Semi Final Two

So here we are again, gentle reader, with a look at the eighteen songs that will battle it out in Semi Final Two. Received expectation among the fans is that this is the weaker of the two semi-finals, but I don’t agree – mind you, it’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed the same songs as most fans. As before, you can also see an average of the betting odds, courtesy of (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 14th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. A reminder that I wrote these reflections before rehearsals started, so they’re very much impressions from the videos and listening to the recordings. Über die Brücken geh’n!

Armenia – Srbuk – Walking Out

SrbukThe video shows Srbuk getting jostled by a number of burly blokes but I reckon she could handle herself in a pub brawl. She sports one of those no-nonsense voices that fits well to a robust song like Walking Out and I’m expecting this to be a strong start to the show. Not a chance in hell of winning the whole thing but will very creditably qualify. Was 66-1, now drifting. ***

Ireland – Sarah McTernan – 22

Sarah McTernanTo a thoroughly English ear like mine, Sarah McTernan’s strong accent mangles and strangles the already rather banal lyrics with some unexpectedly comic results that I’m sure you’ve read about elsewhere on the Internet. Let’s look at the plot of the lyrics: a house reminds her of a former lover – I think that sums it up. The backing vibe is very cool and this is almost a good song, but it lacks a killer bite and meanders and finally goes nowhere. 200-1. **

Moldova – Anna Odobescu – Stay

Anna OdobescuYou know the kind of song where you recognise the title and the name of the singer but for the life of you, you can’t recall anything about it? That’s Stay in a nutshell. Anna’s a good-looking girl, and the melody is quite enjoyable – mainly because you’ve heard variations of it hundreds of times before – I’m sure there’s a bit of Sanna Nielsen’s Undo in there somewhere. Mind you, she has a lovely dining suite. Very Multiyork. 250-1. **

Switzerland – Luca Hänni – She Got Me

Luca HänniFinally a song fully worthy of your attention. Swiss singing star and model Luca trips the light fantastic with this catchy singalong sensation. True, the lyrics are not the most inventive – and I’m reliably informed the words are not “going wild like an enema” – but the complete package is about as slick as you can get. If they can replicate that tango-y vibe on stage, this must surely give Switzerland’s best chance of victory for decades. Let’s hope he can dance and sing at the same time. Getting rowdy rowdy. Was 7-1, now drifting slightly. *****

Latvia – Carousel – That Night

CarouselHere’s one of those charming, sweet little songs that Eurovision occasionally unearths. Not world-shattering, not making a grand statement, and, certainly, not going to win. But it’s perfect for a smoke-filled, late-night cabaret environment, where you’re trying to remember where and who you are. Sabine has something velvety about her voice, and Marcis’ gentle guitar strumming make for a perfect combination. If you don’t like the acrobatic excesses of the Swiss entry, this may well be your cup of tea. I think it’s unlikely to qualify, but stranger things have happened. 250-1. ***

Romania – Ester Peony – On a Sunday

Ester PeonyRomania’s gorgeously gloomy and evocative video does its best to hide the slightness of its song. Ester bemoans the fact that she was dumped on a Sunday – as if it wasn’t just an insult to her but to God as well. I’ve no idea how she walked through that door with those shoulder pads. “There’s no way to forget that day”…”Loving you is a hard price to pay”… “Love’s not fair”… For heaven’s sake, Ester, would you listen to yourself? He’s not worth it. Move on. 200-1. **

Denmark – Leonora – Love is Forever

LeonoraNow it’s time for some rinky-dink sweetness with your pizzicato playmate Leonora, as she Romper Rooms her way through the high sucrose Love is Forever. Sitting on that enormous chair makes her look about two years old, which doesn’t feel quite right for a Saturday night’s entertainment. It’s the kind of song that says you’ll be my fwend fowever and fowever and when you die I’ll die and now it’s time for tea. And it’s partly in French, if it wasn’t already artificial enough. The really annoying thing is that it’s dead catchy. 80-1. **

Sweden – John Lundvik – Too Late for Love

John LundvikTime for one of the favourites; and if a number of this year’s songs are variations on last year’s Fuego, this one casts a respectful nod to last year’s Austrian entry, with its gospel feel (and high jury marks). Mr Lundvik is an enthusiastic chap, who loves a good air-punch, and there’s no doubt this is a quality performance; personally, I find the song rather repetitive and a trifle… unmemorable. However, it’ll have its best impact following the tweeness of Denmark and before the painful void that is to follow. 9-1. ***

Austria – Paenda – Limits

PaendaAh yes, a painful void. Paenda’s stood there, looking like she’s just about to nod off (and you know how catching that can be) when all of a sudden she starts singing with her breathy, squeaky voice and I realise that I am now of an age where, if I don’t want to listen to something, I don’t have to. It’s a shame, because I realise she’s put in a lot of work. She’s talking about Hugh, and I wish he’d come and settle her down. This doesn’t do it for me at all. 200-1. *

Croatia – Roko – The Dream

RokoHere’s another rather odd entry. It’s not a bad tune – and in fact, you can find yourself singing along to it at inconvenient moments. Roko is a well-presented guy, who’s obviously been taught from an early age that you can never be too well-dressed. He looks like he should be part of some Mediterranean Rat Pack outfit – the Dean Martin of Dubrovnik, perhaps? I dream of love, you dream of love, we dream of love. That’s how you conjugate the verb to dream of love in Croatian. 250-1. ***

Malta – Michela – Chameleon

MichelaThis starts promisingly, with a catchy introduction that sounds like someone’s farting into a vocoder. The verse catches up with us, and reveals Michela to be a wholesomely attractive lass with a good voice and nice phrasing. And then the chorus, when everyone realises that Karma Chameleon has already been recorded by Culture Club and that their version is far better – so they just leave a chorus that’s full of musical holes, and it gets right on my nerves. The fact that Michela’s got all her art-school types to help her with the video doesn’t do it any favours. You just get the feeling that this looks way better on paper. 20-1. **

Lithuania – Jurij Veklenko – Run with the Lions

Jurij VeklenkoYou think this is going to be another one of those dour Lithuanian male ballads where the singer laments being just too late for the last loaf in the shop, but tomorrow is a new day and maybe there will be enough dough to go around for everyone’s fair share of a sandwich. But then Jurij has a surprise hidden away in his vocal cords; I don’t know if it’s falsetto or just that he’s very comfortable in the higher range. There’s a secret political message hidden here for voters in Northern Ireland – run wild, run with Alliance. It’s thoroughly and completely nice, and there’s nothing here to hurt anyone. 200-1. **

Russia – Sergey Lazarev – Scream

Sergey LazarevIf it’s Sergey Lazarev, it’s bound to have a first-rate video; and, like a number of songs this year, it’s the video that draws you in and really makes the song sound full and lush. Remove the video, and you’re left with a little ditty of few words; although, hats off to the team for taking away the almost compulsory fire, higher, desire rhyming scheme and replacing it with fire, liar, and drier. But how is Sergey going to entertain us through this song’s undoubted longueurs? I think we should be told. Whatever he does, you know he’ll do it superbly well. 11-2. ***

Albania – Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës

Jonida MaliqiJonida moans and groans her way through the song whilst Albanian countryfolk get trapped inside a crown of thorns and a lake turns to fire. It happens every day in Tirana. I’ve no idea how the top of her dress stays up under all that pressure; a veritable feat of engineering, and, anyway, it’s going to get completely ruined in all that rain. Jonida obviously never listened to her mother when she was young. “One day you live, the next you die, so much nostalgia, so little hope” – so many jokes, so little time. I don’t normally like lots of female over-emoting, but this is a good example of the genre. Eastern enough to feel exotic; western enough to be able appreciate the melody. 150-1. ***

Norway – KEiiNO – Spirit in the Sky

KEiiNOOutwardly, the signs aren’t good. A cliched title that’s been used before. A group name made up of capitals and small letters that doesn’t make any sense. A lengthy gargling of Sami in the middle of the song that reminds me of the contribution made by the late Luis accompanying Flamingosi’s Ludi letnji ples – but less funny. And when the song starts, it reminds you (well, it reminds me) of Greta Salome’s Hear Them Calling, that, outrageously, didn’t qualify a few years ago. But despite all that, this is still definitely one of this year’s highlights; impossible not to sing along with, especially the He-lo e loi-la bit. Was 33-1, now closer to 50-1. *****

Netherlands – Duncan Laurence – Arcade

Duncan LaurenceHere’s the favourite – and it’s not often that the favourite is a really classy song. Arcade has the ability to make you think it’s already an old, much-loved song even though it’s fresh off the block this year. Emotional, simple lyrics, combined with a strongly anthemic melody and a vocal of immense purity, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised (nor disappointed) to see Amsterdam 2020 as the final result of this year’s contest. The only thing stopping it will be if Europe fancies something uplifting and partyish rather than a serious look at the human condition. Time will tell. My comment about videos under Sergey Lazarev refers; the video for Arcade has an obvious attraction in some quarters, but Duncan will at least have to keep his trunks on. 8-5F. *****

North Macedonia – Tamara Todevska – Proud

Tamara TodevskaAfter many years of huffing and puffing, the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Mouthful becomes North Macedonia – and I for one am glad. And its first entry under its new nomenclature isn’t half bad. Tamara delivers an assertive song with powerful authority, and I’m surprised it isn’t more popular. Maybe it could have just a little more light and shade? Was 100-1, now more like 66-1. ***

Azerbaijan – Chingiz – Truth

ChingizChingiz has discovered Duncan’s plungepool but has had the decency to keep some togs on. However, some of his friends have a pretty wayward approach to fashion, creating a video that’s perhaps more about effect than content. When I first heard this, I thought Chingiz was rather rudely singing “shut up and diet”, but perhaps that was my own guilty conscience. A wet Azeri hipster, Chingiz has loads of personality which will help a lot. A little ploddy, but still with a great hook and, depending on how they stage it, this could be something of a dark horse. Was 66-1, now zoomed up to 9-1. ****

And there go all the songs for Semi Final Two. To which eight songs will we saying thanks, bye? According to the bookmakers, it will be Lithuania, Albania, Croatia, Austria, Romania, Latvia, Ireland and Moldova, and I see no reason to disagree with them. Remember to watch the second semi-final on BBC 4 at 8pm on Thursday 16th May – this time viewers in the UK can vote, so get dialling! Ten songs will go forward from both semis to the Grand Final on 18th May along with six others – the Big Five and last year’s winner, Israel. See you tomorrow for that final countdown – my favourite this year is still to come!

Eurovision 2019 – Semi Final One

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve done a (relatively) in-depth preview of the year’s Eurovision Song Contest, so I though I should damn well pull my finger out and get something written – and this is the result. 41 European nations (we include Australia as Europe now – Israel has been for decades) will be convening in Tel Aviv to sort the wheat from the chaff in this year’s shindig – the 64th of such affairs, which must mean we’re all getting older. I’ve thrown my lot in with my trusty friends YouTube and Oddschecker to bring you the 17 songs that constitute Semi Final One on 14th May. We’ll take them in the order chosen by Israeli TV station KAN, and with each song you’ll find the average betting odds from all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places on an Each Way as at 17th April. I’ll give each song a star rating out of 5. I should perhaps add that I wrote these reflections before rehearsals started, so they’re very much impressions from the videos and listening to the recordings. Olé Olé and off we go!

Cyprus – Tamta – Replay

TamtaCyprus came so close last year with Fuego, that they thought they’d have another stab with the same song. Actually, that’s unfair, there are other songs this year that sound even more like Fuego than this – yes, I’m looking at you, Switzerland. Tamta has a fetching look about her, although she clearly spends too much time in the boys’ showers. That diamante bra does look awfully uncomfortable; not that the other extraordinary costumes in the video look any better. Three minutes of mesmerising video images – oh, and there’s a song going on at the same time. She was born in Tbilisi, so she might get a few votes from Georgia as well as Greece. The song’s quite good in fact, and I’m sure it has them quaking in the nightspots of Limassol. Does she really sing “I’m sh*tting my body tonight”? Too much baklava, perhaps. Was 16-1, now drifting. ****

Montenegro – D Mol – Heaven

D molNow here are six young people immensely proud of their beautiful countryside. See them emote in the snow. Feel their hearts twang in the forests. Watch them “accidentally” form the shape of a treble clef by the sea. I lost count of the number of times each turned their head to the sun in their most forced sexiest possible manner. And when night comes, they plunder the Edinburgh Woollen Mill for some tartan scarves and sit around the camp fire. How appropriate. “I got used to feeling naked” goes the lyrics – so it’s not just Duncan Laurence, then. Who knew Little Red Riding Hood was Montenegrin? I’ve never seen anyone wearing so much make-up just to go on a walk with a horse. This feels like it comes from another age – but I can’t work out which age that would be. The Stone Age? Their effort is noted and appreciated. 250-1. **

Finland – Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman – Look Away

Darude feat. Sebastian RejmanThe creator of Sandstorm turns up unexpectedly at the Eurovision Song Contest with a song that isn’t immediate enough to create a strong impression on its first hearing, but boy does it grow on you if you give it a chance. I hope they can recreate the same stage effects in Tel Aviv, where the girl, first on, then in, the box and Sebastian act out their own mini-drama, whilst Darude’s knowingly pounding away at a keyboard. Simple and attractive, yet bleak and angst-ridden – Finland in a nutshell, really. And incredibly catchy too. “Is it in my head?” asks Sebastian; yes, it is, at around 4.15 every morning while I’m trying to go back to sleep. My favourite in this semi. 150-1. *****

Poland – Tulia – Fire of Love

TuliaHere we welcome four young ladies who assume an expression in the video that makes you think they’d never be happier than when they’re volunteering at the local morgue. At first you think you’re hearing a Polish version of I Am the Walrus, but then it goes even weirder. Tulia appear to have rounded up all the local retired folk for a compulsory three minutes of musical hell – and if they don’t get a standing ovation, the old people die. Them’s the rules. And then a double bed goes up in flames. Of course. The stuff of nightmares. By all accounts in real life they’re perfectly charming. They specialise in this weird vocal style that translates as “screaming sing”. I rest my case. 200-1. **

Slovenia – Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi

Zala Kralj & Gašper ŠantlAfter the forceful Poles, it’s time for the ethereal Slovenes. Zala’s voice is so laid back the words are almost coming out in reverse. She seems so uninterested to be there that she makes me uninterested to hear what she’s singing. “Just stay true to who you are and stop apologising to me” go the lyrics. I’m in no mood to argue. There is a vestige of a nice tune there, but it all just feels like too much hassle. This has all the appeal of nailing a dead rat to your front door to keep witches away. Was 50-1, now drifting slightly. *

Czech Republic – Lake Malawi – Friend of a Friend

Lake MalawiAfter a racket and then a drab song, this is going to shine through like a beacon of light. By far the best of the Czech national selection, Lake Malawi channel their inner Depeche Mode to bring us a slightly jokey, slightly self-conscious and occasionally sleazy love confession. In these miserable times it makes a really entertaining change to listen to something so deliberately lightweight. Beautifully constructed Insta-ready video. I don’t think it has enough oomph to be there in the final furlong, but it’s hard not to smile at it. Was 100-1, now more like 66-1. ****

Hungary – Joci Pápai – Az én apám

Joci PápaiJoci Pápai returns for a second go at Eurovision glory with this introverted and moving little song about his father. Read the English translation of the lyrics and feel that lump come into your throat. Musically, it’s a little repetitive and a trifle underwhelming, and there’s something about Joci and his style that doesn’t do it for me, but I sense that’s more my problem than his. It could be that his hairstyle makes him look like he has a vacuum cleaner attachment stuck up there. Or it could be that I prefer my Eurovision music to be shallower. 200-1. ***

Belarus – ZENA – Like It

ZENATalking of shallow, here’s a song that asserts itself with the certainty that you’re gonna like it, whether you do or don’t. “I’ll share what I’ve got”, sings ZENA (why is she in capitals?) as though she’s in a marketplace touting her wares. Trouble with this song is that, despite its wretched lyrics, it’s awfully catchy, and ZENA’s awfully cute. Oh, good grief, she’s 16. Ignore that last comment. Not much else to say really. 250-1. ***

Serbia – Nevena Božović – Kruna

Nevena BožovićThe video shows Nevena to be a bit of a temptress, although those knuckledusters look a trifle disconcerting. Her self-penned Kruna is a haunting tune that builds nicely into a strong finish. It’s just the kind of song that I’d never choose to listen to. She’s awfully intense through that performance. Is it too late to suggest taking a chill pill? Was 250-1, now coming in a little. **

Belgium – Eliot – Wake Up

EliotBit of an enigma, this one. I love that background electronic theme – very Gary Numan – that kicks in right at the start and carries all the way through apart from the choruses; and Eliot is another of these intriguing young Belgians in the tradition of Loic Nottet and Blanche who have a kind of fragile under-presence that genuinely disconcerts but you can’t help pay attention to them. Wake Up has a downcast air that makes you feel mournful and the lyrics set up a mysterious challenge that the song alone can’t resolve. Shame that the filming for the video started so early that all his pals only had time to put their vests on. I like this one, and I think it will do much better than many are suggesting. Was 80-1, now drifting. ****

Georgia – Oto Nemsadze – Keep on Going

Oto NemsadzeIt was going so well too, but here’s where this semi-final begins to take a turn for the worst. Meet Oto. Oto has an air of a man down at heel. He trudges through the seafront in his seven-league boots because Oto has a quest to keep on going. But I’m afraid he’s going on his own. I don’t believe this is meant to be funny, but a quick check of the English lyrics is utterly hilarious. “Keep on going. Keep on going forward! Walk much! Seek! Find! Keep on going! They sing somewhere! Sing heartedly! Wires! They are singing! Wounds! Sing after all! Varado, varado, varada rada hee. Varado, varado, varada rada hee.” From then on, it gets puerile. 300-1. *

Australia – Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity

Kate Miller-HeidkeAfter Georgia’s representation of the Grim Reaper, here’s Australia’s version of Daffy Duck. Kate Miller-Heidke is a huge star in Australia – so what, you may ask, is she doing on top of a giant blancmange with a voice like she’s just stubbed her toe? A perfect example of what happens when someone says “let’s write a great Eurovision song” instead of “let’s write a great song”. This is precisely what Estonia did last year, but with much less class. So many excellent songs in the Australian final, then they went and chose this atrocity. Was 66-1, now more like 33-1 (bizarrely). *

Iceland – Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra

HatariAfter watching a depressed bin man and then a blancmange on speed, it’s time for Iceland, and things aren’t getting any better. Sometimes Eurovision elevates eccentricity to an art form, and I think that’s what’s happening here. Remember the vibe that surrounded Lordi in 2006, scary monsters on stage and all that jazz? I think Hatari (the Haters) are going for the same effect a decade on. In its defence, it stands out. And it will gain some votes through sheer bloody-minded mischief. But, at the end of the day, this is a repulsive mess with a lead singer whose voice sounds like an amplified fly has got caught in his throat. Zombie dance of the Icelandic dead. I know they’re nice to their mothers, but no thanks. 14-1. **

Estonia – Victor Crone – Storm

Victor CroneFor a brief respite from GBH of the earhole, here’s that nice Victor Crone to prove that not only SuRie can go down a storm. It’s a jolly, positive little number, with a very simple (too simple?) and predictable (too predictable?) chorus that’s very nice but in the final analysis might just be a little… bland? Country showbiz. 150-1. ***

Portugal – Conan Osiris – Telemóveis

Conan OsirisIf you thought you’d already seen the worst this semi-final can offer, think again. Here’s Conan, too ridiculous even to be a Barbarian. Dressed like the dying swan but with added facial bling, the music – I choose the word ill-advisedly – plinky-plonks and twangs its way through a sea of pretentious nonsense. Occasionally his mate decides to shake his feathery thing, but all this is good for is contempt. If you’re interested, not that you should be, the lyrics are about killing cellphones. Don’t tell me it’s a satirical comment on today’s social media society; it’s utter sh*te. Not merely the worst song in the contest, but among the five worst songs the contest has ever produced. They’ve really made a little go a very short way. Was 33-1, now, sensibly, drifting. *

Greece – Katerine Duska – Better Love

Katerine DuskaThis is a great example of the kind of song that really ought to be better. Another video that suffers from pretentiousness (although there’s a vast difference between this and say, the Portuguese or Icelandic entries), the song borrows quite a lot from Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love, and Katerine’s voice has a twisted, muscular nature that doesn’t do it for me. Over-stylised and overblown; but not as offensively awful as some. Was 22-1, now drifting slightly. **

San Marino – Serhat – Say Na Na Na

SerhatAnd to round the evening off, it’s a welcome back to Serhat with a more uplifting song than his previous attempt in 2016. Say Na Na Na really ought to be a Ralph Siegel song, because it’s light, trite and a delight. The song really benefits from the entertaining video, but how are they going to recreate all those dancers on a stage for six? If they do this well, this could sail into the final. But, equally, it could fall flat on its arse. That’s the magic of Eurovision. I hated this at first – and maybe the rest of Europe will too. 250-1. ****

So that’s the line up for Semi Final One. Seven songs won’t qualify; according to the bookmakers they will be Georgia, San Marino, Serbia, Belarus, Hungary, Poland and Montenegro. I think that maybe Belarus will make it at the expense of Finland (sadly) and if Serhat owns it, then San Marino might stay in and Australia won’t make the final for the first time. Although they really shouldn’t, I think Iceland and Portugal will somehow get through to the finals, which ought to make us all question our societal sanity. Semi Final One is on BBC4 on Tuesday 14th May at 8pm, and I’ll be back shortly with a preview of Semi Final Two. See you soon!

Eurovision 2018 – The Lisbon Experience



The Lisbon Experience sounds a bit like one of those awful tourist attractions where you get on an old fairground ride in complete darkness whilst projections and exhibits show you the history of the city. But that wouldn’t be the right way to see Lisbon. Lisbon is a city that lives on the outside. In cafes, in squares, in boats, in parks. I’m quite proud to say that we spent nine days there and didn’t set foot inside one museum once.

Eurovision Village

Eurovision Village

But of course we were there for Eurovision, so there would hardly have been the time anyway. We had rented a one bedroom apartment near Alameda metro station and it was very charming and useful. Alameda is a great location as the station is on both the green and red lines on the metro. Thus it was just fifteen minutes to the centre of the city and also fifteen minutes to Oriente station, which was just a few minutes’ walk from the Altice Arena, site of all the Eurovision shenanigans.



For the first few days it was great to catch up with old friends who had flown into Portugal from all round the world. For the first evening we had dinner with ESC Insight’s own New Zealand correspondent, the Americo-Irish Canadian Kiwi, at the Casa Brasileira on Rua Augusta (if you go out for a meal in Lisbon you can barely avoid the Rua Augusta). Options for entertainment on that night included the fabled Israeli Party but we couldn’t face the prospect of the two-hour queue, although it did mean we met the writers of the Russian song and the brother half of Zibbz. Instead, we paid our first visit to the Eurocafe, which was hot and expensive. One of our friends spent 55 minutes waiting to get served on the Monday evening; that’s not really how you want to spend your leisure nights. Gin and tonics (which were primarily made from ice) were 10 euros. A friend posted on Facebook that a bottle of local plonk and a diet coke came to 44 euros. May I remind you this was in Portugal, known for its relatively low prices.

Sea Bass at O Portas

Sea Bass at O Portas

We went to the same restaurant on the Sunday afternoon with M’Learned Friend from Dublin, where we also met HRH the Crown Prince of Bedford who was experiencing his first Eurovision and indeed his first European holiday as an adult (I use the term loosely). We lingered in the Eurovision Village (much better value for drinks than the Café) and generally wasted the time enjoying ourselves. Monday saw us having lunch at O Portas on Rua dos Correeiros. It was probably the best meal we had in the city; a big sea bass, who swam his last that very morning, was filleted on a plate for the three of us. Nota Bene: very near the O Portas is a rip off joint called Obrigado Lisboa which has ok food but stupid surprise prices for drinks and extras. Just check it on Trip Advisor – I’ve never seen such poor feedback for a restaurant. They caught us out for Tuesday lunch. Thieving toerags.

Belem Tower

Belem Tower

Monday afternoon we did a boat ride to Belem Tower with HRH and M’Learned Friend. Whilst on board we bumped into some other friends, two of whom had also come all the way from New Zealand. The boat ride was fun, if a little delayed coming back; Belem is beautiful but (nota bene again) closed on Mondays. Durrrhh. Monday night was a late one in the Eurocafe, which included a great performance by Suzy (you can’t keep a good girl down). We went to bed before Slavko came on.

Our View

Great view of the fans, not so great of the stage

Tuesday was primarily notable for our first actual attendance at this year’s contest – we had General Standing tickets for Semi Final One. These were about as useful as the proverbial chocolate teapot because Mrs Chrisparkle and I couldn’t see a thing. HRH must have stood on someone’s shoulders because he saw a little more, but still not enough to warrant the ticket price. We saw Cesar from Austria during his first verse, because it was staged up in the air; we saw most of Sennek from Belgium’s performance as she performed on a platform nearer to where we were standing. And of course, they turn the screens off, so if you were relying on watching the show that way, think again. We were able to catch the results, but the rest of the show might as well have been on the radio. Mrs C spent the evening reading The Guardian website. Shame. Still, we had the pleasure of attending the Irish meet-up beforehand at Irish & Co near the arena, where I bumped into Finnish representative Saara Aalto (as you do). I happened to be wearing a t-shirt with a lyric from her song and when she saw me she pointed and gave a little cry of delight. It’s nice to know I can still have that effect on women. Dinner was in the D’ Bacalhau restaurant, again near the arena, where I decided to try the pork steaks and they were fab.

Typical blue walls

Typical blue walls

Another very good restaurant for Wednesday lunch – the Cofre Verde on Rua de Sao Juliao. It’s run by a very nice Nepalese lady who took great pains to show us our dead, but otherwise healthy looking, fish before cooking the poor chap. Full of Portuguese people, so that’s always a good sign. The ubiquitous white wine of choice, incidentally, is Planalto Reserva, a bottle of which you should be able to get for something like 14 to 16 euros. It was only 11 euros in D’Bacalhau. It was 40, yes 40, euros in the dreadful Obrigado Lisboa.


What goes on backstage during Moldova’s entry

Wednesday evening we had tickets for the Jury Final of Semi Final Two, Golden Circle Standing. That’s the bit between the stage and the circular apron that many of the performers decided to run around during their songs. We got in quite early and decided to take a unique position: right round as far right as we could go, virtually under what became universally known as the Ireland Break-Up Bridge. It’s a completely side on view, and totally unobscured. Although you didn’t get any of the feel for the staging of a song like Moldova’s, where the comedy (and I use that term loosely too) is all gathered from the choreography as seen from head on, at least you could see the backstage positioning of the performers whilst that song was being performed – a genuinely fascinating experience. Other great moments were when we stood under the Hungarian guitarist; we could almost shake hands with the San Marino robots; we could peek into the back of Christabelle’s box (if you’ll pardon the expression); and HRH could see where the stagehands were extinguishing a fire backstage during Benjamin’s performance.


This is how close we were to the stage

This is probably a good point to bring up the question of security. Little did we know on Wednesday night that some tosser would grab the mic off SuRie and damn near ruin Saturday’s show for everyone – frankly she should sue his arse. However, we were very alarmed, considering our proximity to the stage, at the very poor security presence. We were behind a lowish railing; there was a small bank of chairs in front of us, before another small railing and then the stage. During a few of the songs, one security guard sat in front of us, updating his Facebook, checking sports news, and indeed videoing the performers; in fact anything but watching out for potential Jimmy Jumps. During the vast majority of the evening there was nothing to stop me from vaulting over the two fences and running on stage shouting Justice for Jemini – apart from my innate sense of decorum and 14-and-a-half stone. I can’t see anyone in Israel getting anything like this close to the performers; and if anyone tries to rush the stage there, it will be the last thing they do.

Hungarian guitarist

Hungarian guitarist

For post-show dinner we returned to the D’Bacalhau because the nice waitress from Tuesday said she’d look forward to seeing us again. However, she wasn’t on duty and had been replaced by a couple of elderly grumps who’d learned customer care at the António de Oliveira Salazar Finishing School. Food and drink was still yummy though. Thursday lunchtime was the Radio International Team Lunch at the Tivoli Oriente Hotel near the arena. It was very enjoyable, if a little slow and chaotic, and good to see most of the team there on fine form. As it has been the 20th anniversary of the show – Gadzooks, how can that be? – I thought I would do a little after dinner speech. It would have been even better if we’d all been drunk.

Typical Eurovision Mayhem

Typical Eurovision Mayhem

Thursday afternoon saw us back at the Eurocafe for the OGAE UK party – that’s the UK Eurovision Fan Club, for the uninitiated. Mrs C and I were chosen to do an interview for ITV Anglia News that I think ended up on the cutting room floor. Great to chat to all the UK types and it was a very busy and enjoyable afternoon. Mrs C, HRH and I rushed off to Guacamole, a nearby Mexican restaurant that we had discovered that did tasty (but always cold?!) food and lethal margaritas. Good value and quick, when you want to get on to somewhere else in a hurry.


Semi Final Two at the Village

Which, for us, was the Eurovision Village, as that was where we would be watching the live show of SF2. It took us a good half hour to get in because of security, but that was still early enough (7:45) to get a good place to watch the show. Queues for the drinks and toilets were stupidly long, so it was a dry and legs-crossed night, but very enjoyable – but also surprisingly cold! The Eurovision Village was based at the Praça do Comércio, which is adjacent to the water’s edge, and when that late-night wind whipped up – boy was it nippy!

Alfama District

Alfama District

HRH took Friday off (feeble millennial that he is) so we decided to go for a wander around the Alfama district and had lunch at the Arcaz Velho on Calcada do Forte. We sat on a corner street table and had the most delicious tuna steaks, proper home-made custard desserts and a decent Galao. Later we decided to meet up with M’Learned Friend for a few drinks in the Village before going on to a nice dinner somewhere. On our way out we met Marty Whelan, the Irish commentator – he and M’Learned Friend go back yonks – and we had a charming chat with him and his wife and daughter whilst they were waiting to get served, slowly, in a restaurant. In terms of speed of service, Lisbon isn’t quite the Boris Becker of restaurant capitals. For dinner we ended up at Le Petit Café in Largo São Martinho, and it was excellent. Always a good sign when you ask the waiter for a wine recommendation and he suggests the cheapest wine on the menu – and it’s delicious enough for you to buy three bottles in all.

Saturday Family Show

Saturday Family Show

Saturday was the big day, in Eurovision terms of course, and we had seats reserved for the Family Show (in other words the final afternoon rehearsal) for which we were joined by none other than the doyen of BBC4 Eurovision coverage, Dr Eurovision himself. The view of stage, screens and arena was second to none and we got a really good feel for what Europe would be watching later that night. Dr Eurovision had to leave before the final song, muttering something about a Turkish Television interview and Sky News. He’d been on his phone throughout the whole Family Show anyway, presumably fending off media enquiries and setting up other meetings. Fascinating to see how what started as pure fandom on his part, and then became the basis for his thesis, has shaped a significant element of his career with the result that he can’t just sit back and watch the damn thing anymore. Mind you, he loves it.


It’s Ruslana

Our friends Mr and Mrs Flying-the-Flag were in town, taking a quick trip into the capital from their holiday getaway in deepest Estoril, so we met them for a beer and a steak and chips; but by 5pm we could already see the queue to get into the Eurovision Village was getting longer. By 5:30 my enthusiasm had won me over so we started queueing, and in fact it wasn’t too long before we got in for the 6pm show with Ruslana. Yes, Xena Warrior Princess is still thwacking out the Wild Dances and Dancing with the Wolves (nothing to do with Molineux). The queues for the bar were already ominously long but it’s a long Eurovision night without some libation, so HRH headed off to join the back of the queue and we agreed to keep in mobile contact as to his progress. This was shortly after 6.30pm. At about 7.40pm he thought he’d got close enough to the bar, so I joined him. We were thronged by a pack of thirsty people pressing hard up to a counter, behind which were a few laissez-faire Portuguese, tending to customers provided it didn’t get in the way of their private conversations. The queue wasn’t moving anymore, and the show started at 8pm. Mrs C was now also engulfed in a sea of other Eurovision punters and didn’t expect us to find our way back to her before midnight. But I remembered where she was, and once we’d finally got served, and took the perilous path back to the big screen, we got there just in time for the fourth song to start. That’s one helluva long queue – and shows how totally inadequate the provision was in the Eurovision Village.


Tasteless T-shirts I photographed in Jerusalem in 2016

Israel won; I was a bit disappointed, as it’s very silly and messy. Even if it is about the #metoo generation it also contains muthabuckas, Pam pam pa hoo, prram pam pa hoos, and Cululoo, cululoos. Curiously, the stupid boy that Netta rejects in her song is probably Mikolas in the Czech Republic’s Lie To Me, dripping on his wood bamboo, with his camel in the mood and standing in a puddle. Honestly, some of this year’s lyrics are execrable. I’d hoped that wholesome girl from Cyprus would win; the prospect of a week at a sunny hotel in Limassol was rather enticing. I can’t see us going to Jerusalem for Eurovision week though. We went there on a cruise a couple of years ago and we’ve never been anywhere so tense (and that includes Hanoi, and the Uzbek-Afghan border.) It’s stunningly beautiful, but scary; and if you show one hint of touristy, dithery weakness, that’s the cue for some ruthless shopkeeper or restaurateur to rip you off mercilessly. Tel Aviv – that would be different. But – currently, at least – that’s not looking likely.

On a tuk-tuk

On a tuk-tuk

Our Sunday was spent back up in Alfama, lunching at the Allfama restaurant – very nice; then doing an hour’s tuktuk tour, seeing some of the historical sights. That was good fun. Dinner was at the Portugalia Cervejaria, a 1920s beer hall, with some of the Radio International crowd and the Americo-Irish Canadian Kiwi, which was chaotic but tasty. Then back to bed. Then early to rise for that dreaded plane back to the UK…


Denmark’s Mr Rasmussen nobly braving the snowy set

So a final few thoughts; best Schlager song (only Schlager song?) in the contest was Azerbaijan which didn’t get through to the final due to silly staging. Azerbaijan, Romania and Russia all lost their 100% qualifying record (quite rightly, for the other two, IMHO). Norway won their semi then faded drastically after being given position no 7 to sing from. UK and Finland both did poorly in the final results, and were both performed after a commercial break; in fact three of the bottom four songs didn’t have to qualify, which always speaks volumes. The Top 3 were all from Semi Final One, and you have to drop down to 7th place (Sweden) to get a song from Semi Final Two. After Cyprus, Ukraine provided the best singalong opportunity in the final, but was also shafted by singing first. Denmark still won the day for me, with their heroic Viking stomping. The four hosts were good – the lady in the black dress who stood on the right, Filomena Cautela, was hilarious. The staging was exciting, as was the voting, although, visually, the final result was very confusing on the TV screen as they didn’t switch back to a view of the scoreboard, and it was a while before we were convinced that was indeed Israel who had won.

On the whole, a very good year. Every year, fans typically say, “this year is the worst ever” but in fact the quality this year was very high. Remember – after 1st September, songs newly published become eligible for next year’s contest. Get writing!!

Eurovision 2018 – The Preview

Apologies, gentle reader. Normally I provide you with an in-depth analysis and revelatory insight into each of the current year’s Eurovision songs, but this year time, other commitments and real life have bitten into my schedule and I won’t be able to offer this service this year. I know you have a choice of Eurovision Opinion Providers and if you do find it necessary to ask for a refund, my solicitors are instructed to consider each case on its own criteria.

Instead I offer you a snappy(ish) blow by blow account of each entry in order of performance, and we’ll see where it takes us. These are based on the original videos, I’ve not been watching the rehearsals. You’re still going to get my five-star rating for each song. I’m sure that’s a comfort.

Semi Final One

Azerbaijan – Aisel – X My Heart *****
AiselWho’d have thought the best schlager in this year’s contest would come from Azerjeben? Not only is this a bright, up-tempo effort from Aisel (not AySel – they’re clearly limited for girls’ names in Azərbaycanca) but it also has some of the best inappropriate lyrics in the contest. Next time you have to prove your mettle to someone, announce that you’re stronger than cannonballs and watch the reaction. Like Tigger, it’s bouncy, trouncy, flouncy and pouncy.

Iceland – Ari Olafsson – Our Choice *
Ari OlafssonWhereas this is more like Eeyore. Ari takes on the pain of the world and explores it through the medium of coma. There’s no doubting his musicality – apparently he’s off to the Royal Academy of Music in September – but this ploddy three minutes never engages the listener. About as inviting as a plate of buried cod.

Albania – Eugent Bushpepa – Mall ****
Eugent BushpepaSgt Bushpepa emotes his way through an anguished song of yearning (that’s what Mall means – nothing to do with comfy shopping) whilst his Lonely Hearts Club Band whack out a strong meaty accompaniment. Forget your Hungaries, this is where this year’s classy folk rock is to be found. He does look a bit angry sometimes but it’s a blessed relief after the vanilla-lite of Iceland.

Belgium – Sennek – A Matter of Time ***
SennekAccording to Wikipedia Sennek works for Ikea (she’s probably known as Laura Groeseneken there) so I’ll resist jokes about fit Verse A into Hook B. But this song does feel quite manufactured to me, rather than a lovely organic thing of its own. I always think I’m going to enjoy it, but then I end up enduring it. Sennek’s long lanky hair can sometimes give her Princess Fiona ears which take my mind off the song for a bit. It’s not that bad though. Does it remind anyone else of Reynaert’s majestic Laissez Briller le soleil? (not visually, obviously, that would be silly.) That was Belgium too. I think we should be told.

Czech Republic – Mikolas Josef – Lie To Me **
MikolasDisclaimer: I wrote this before Mikolas came a cropper on his backflip in the first rehearsal and I absolutely take my hat off to him for carrying on when doubtless he’s in a lot of pain. /Disclaimer>
Before writing this little paragraph, I’m going to watch the YouTube again to see if I can make three minutes without turning it off. Well, credit where it’s due, I did. This is a song that makes me feel very old. The lyrics need to come with a glossary (I still haven’t worked out what GGY means – although I do understand the concept of a wood bamboo, and the camel grossed me out) and I guess they have plans to remove the four-letter words. I like the Epic Sax Guy-inspired rhythm and Mikolas is obviously a talented chap – and I’m totally prepared to accept that the smug poseur character singing this song is an act. But it does irritate me. When his voice goes down into the lower register it sounds really sleazy. A good Eurovision song needs instant impact and this certainly has it. Just don’t hear it a second time.

Lithuania – Ieva Zasimauskaite – When We’re Old ****
Ieva ZThis quiet, unassuming little song is normally the kind of fodder I’d just skip and move on. But the lyrics are so heartfelt and its nature so charming – plus I am indeed getting old – that its message got to me. Ieva’s married surname of Zasimauskaite-Kiltinaviciene needs a sentence all to itself. They’re going to have to stage it wisely; too much will kill it, too little will feel too stark. But it’s a yes from me.

Israel – Netta – Toy **
NettaHere’s the one that everyone’s talking about. For the first few seconds of the video Netta sounds like she’s trying to discharge something disgusting from her nasal orifices and then she goes into the farmyard impersonations. There’s no doubt this will make that all so important initial impact, and for it to work I think they’ll need to play up the humour. I read someone’s comment that Netta looks like the school bully and combined with the rather cruel nature of the lyrics, I feel that’s a great description. When she finally gets around to singing “I’m not your toy you stupid boy” it’s fab. It’s just the other bits that turn me off. Feminist icon or grotesque, you decide. What do we think of the word muthabucka? Not convinced. Is the woman in the pink rain poncho with blue hair based on the Victoria Wood character looking for her Kimberley?

Belarus – Alekseev – Forever ***
AlekseevA classic example of a song written in English by a non-English speaking lyricist. You can always tell when the music requires the stress to be on the wrong syllable in a sentence: “Windows wide opén, flying so high, both of us roaming through magnificent sky…” Alekseev looks like a moody lad, like a singing James Acaster. In the modern tradition, it’s a trifle whingey, but it has a lush orchestral arrangement, and, despite myself, I rather like it.

Estonia – Elina Nechayeva – La Forza *
ElinaThis year’s popera entry – there’s nearly always one – and it’s a full in-your-ear extravaganza. Sung entirely in Italian, because, as we know, Estonia’s full of Italians, Elina belts out the arpeggios till all the stray dogs in Tallinn come running. Oh, and she’s got one of those Eurovision dresses, you know the type. I don’t care how expert her singing is, it’s everything I hate about Eurovision.

Bulgaria – Equinox – Bones ***
EquinoxI love the bones of you, say the Liverpool half of the family. Equinox go on one better, loving beyond the bones. That’s a helluva lot of love. A rather creepy official video that looks like an out-take from a sci-fi show enhances the moody gloom of this rather anthemic and persistent little song that can get under your skin, if not quite beyond the bones. Like a few other good songs this year it might not be quite substantial enough to go the very top but this won’t be a disgrace by any means.

FYR Macedonia – Eye Cue – Lost and Found **
Eye CueTalking of disgraces… No that’s too strong. Disappointments, maybe. It has a great start – you think it’s going to be a bit like No No Never, but then it acquires an ungainly rhythm of faux-funk, and ends up just pappy pop. The old cliché was that three tunes in a song, you can’t go wrong – here’s proof that’s not true. Not a lot to enjoy here.

Croatia – Franka – Crazy **
FrankaTemptress sex kitten cross garter’d like Malvolio (not in yellow, thank heavens) pouts while man with bad skin condition dances around her. I can just about take this until she starts talking. Three points for spotting the obligatory annual “diamonds and pearls” lyric. Oh and then she swims underwater in a wedding dress. You couldn’t make it up really. She looks like a lovely girl but it’s not a song I can take seriously. Next?

Austria – Cesar Sampson – Nobody but You *****
CesarSo here’s a thing. Gospel in Eurovision normally sticks out like Mr Naef in a beauty contest, but this hint of gospel works really well, IMHO. From the same writing/production team behind the Bulgarian song, and I know who got the better deal. Cesar is a terrific singer and this is a strong, assertive and surprisingly catchy ballad. Not a huge amount more to say – it does exactly what it says on the tin.

Greece – Yianna Terzi – Oniro mou ****
YIannaYianna laments her undying love for her fella while he (presumably) undergoes an SAS Who Dares Wins trial all by himself. Then, rather weirdly, he pulls her out of the earth. They do things differently in Greece. Highly dramatic, incredibly effective, turbulently Greco-ethnic. If you ignore the silly video and close your eyes and dream, you could be transported anywhere you like. In the Peloponnese peninsula, preferably.

Finland – Saara Aalto – Monsters *****
Saara AaltoHere’s another official video that doesn’t enhance its song in any way, but the song is strong enough to survive without it. In the past always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Saara Aalto is going to get on that stage and smash it. Very singalong, instantly appealing, plenty of quirkiness and monsters under the bed – even the six year olds watching will appreciate that. I hope they resist the temptation to go over the top on the staging.

Armenia – Sevak Khanagyan – Qami ****
SevakNot the Armenian for a bar of soap, Qami means Wind, so I’ll let you insert your own joke here. Rivalling Cesar from Austria for the Best Male Vocalist award, Sevak spreads his arms and whirls like the slowest Dervish this side of Yerevan. This atmospheric ballad moves along at a nice andante, and builds for strong finish. Wind, wind, where did you take my warm memories? Didn’t know it was a song about dyspeptic amnesia. Fully deserves to qualify.

Switzerland – Zibbz – Stones *****
ZibbzSo many times in recent years Switzerland have been among my favourites yet have failed to make any impact on the contest. I hope that doesn’t happen again – but I fear it may. Coming a very worthy second to France’s Madame Monsieur for the Best Duo Award, Coco releases some great rock chick attitude and this is definitely one of the funkiest chunes this year. Trouble is, no one votes for Switzerland, do they?

Ireland – Ryan O’Shaughnessy – Together ***
RyanNow for something a little less funky. Inspired by Uncle Gary’s Eurovision appearance seventeen years ago, here comes Ryan O’Shaugnessy with a gentle song about an unexpected relationship break-up. I know many people who rate this quite highly – I can’t help but think they’re inspired by the artistry of the excellent video more than the bare bones of the song, which is a trifle whingey in the modern tradition, and a little introverted for my taste. Perfectly pleasant, though.

Cyprus – Eleni Foureira – Fuego **
EleniEleni is a classy dame but she looks like she’s too good for this song – and I think she’s right. Trying to outdo Aisel in the silly lyrics stakes – someone control that pelican, would you? It’s full of Ivi Adamou-style repetition and I don’t think it’s anything like as good as it thinks it is. One of those triumph of style over substance type songs. Nice feathers though.

Semi Final Two

Norway – Alexander Rybak – That’s How You Write A Song *
Alexander RybakMr Rybak has been responsible for so many excellent recordings over the past few years including his winning (in many ways) performance of Fairytale in the 2009 contest. So it seems such an awful shame that he returns to ESC with this utter drivel. Normally I really enjoy songs that are about the writing process, they have a real inventive and creative edge. Not so this time, this is a cynically envisaged, purpose-built model designed purely to show off Mr R’s incredible showmanship. It’s got a hook you can’t get out of your head, dammit, and if it was that easy to write a song, we’d all be doing it. No! get thee behind me Alexander! Working on the theory that Jamala and Salvador won by being the biggest stand-out anti-personalities with songs just bad enough to win, I reckon this will be Rybak’s year again.

Romania – The Humans – Goodbye *
The HumansStatic, dreary, soporific. I wonder if lead singer Liz Truss MP will get permission from Parliament to front the group for a week. I say “week”… she’ll be back Friday morning. Douze points from Moldova, so that’s twelve points in all.

Serbia – Sanja Ilic & Balkanika – Nova Deca *
Sanja-Ilic-BalkanikaIf neighbours FYR Macedonia prove three tunes in a song doesn’t always work, here’s proof that just two tunes in a song can go wayward too. After a long introductory caterwauling, presumably because they couldn’t think of any more notes for the music stave, there’s only time left for two minutes of song. A moderately interesting Balkan chorus, surrounded by blithering nothingness. Nova Deca means “New Generation”, but there’s nothing much new about that horrendous mess.

San Marino – Jessika feat. Jenifer Brening – Who We Are *
Jessika and JeniferFirstly, yes you can sing the chorus of Mans Zelmerlow’s Heroes to the chorus of Who We Are, so that feels pretty shameless. Jenifer Brening – and I mean this as a compliment – must be one of the poshest rappers in the world. It’s like Missy Elliott went to Cheltenham Ladies’ College. It’s Jessika, though, who has to make sense of words like “We are who we are and who we are is who we wanna be”. Right, got that, I think. Lyrics by existentialist philosopher Søren Kierkegaard. There’s no lack of effort from the two ladies, but this has all the musical appeal of Bird’s Nest Soup.

Denmark – Rasmussen – Higher Ground *****
RasmussenAt last, a song in Semi Final Two to enjoy! In fact, gentle reader, this is probably my favourite this year. Yes I know they’re just Hokum Vikings, all beard, gowns and stomping, but I find the lyrics remarkably stirring and I genuinely find something strangely heroic about the whole thing. It’s also a fabulously anthemic tune. Be the first to turn around, take the leap and land on higher ground; I will, oh Captain my Captain. At last we finally find out what’s happened with Frodo nowadays.

Russia – Julia Samoylova – I Won’t Break ***
Julia SamoylovaIt was no surprise that Julia was coming back for a second attempt at a first attempt at winning Eurovision; and I reckon this is a much better song than that old Flame is Burning tosh from last year. There’s something about Julia’s voice that has a gurgling quality that doesn’t appeal to me, but I have to say I get quite taken up by this song when it gets to the even in the darkness part. That said, the video of her performance at the Moscow ESC Party was a proper shocker.

Moldova – DoReDos – My Lucky Day *
DoReDosOne of those three minutes that only Eurovision can throw up, and I use that term most deliberately. A glum Moldovan ménage à trois acted out to a folk salsa beat. It looks like the worst ever song excised from the worst ever musical. They try to be funny, bless them. But honestly. Three points if you call them Doritos.

Netherlands – Waylon – Outlaw in ‘em **
WaylonSo Mr Rybak isn’t the only repeat offender this year, as we also have Waylon, the male half of the Common Linnets, and the only person in The Netherlands to be named after a man made fibre. On paper this should be much better than it is. I can see why some people might like it – but Albania beats it hands down. Probably the best part of it is the lengthy guitar outro which has had to be removed to get it down to three minutes.

Australia – Jessica Mauboy – We Got Love ***
Jessica MauboyHaving been the guest artiste at the 2014, Jessica Mauboy returns as a contestant proper; not quite poacher turned gamekeeper but you get the picture. We Got Love is a bright and breezy number that almost soars – but doesn’t quite. The repetition of the words and notes “cos we got love” in the chorus somehow stops it in its tracks. I’m sure it will do well though, and Ms M is a great performer, so Australia has it all to play for.

Georgia – Iriao – For You ***
iriaoAnd now for something completely different. Georgia offer us five chaps with strong choral voices performing folk barbershop to a charming tune that’s got just a hint of Koit Toome’s Mere Lepsed in there somewhere. It’s the kind of song that just washes over you and three minutes later you re-emerge back into reality. In many respects, very enjoyable, and it’ll certainly chalk up a few points.

Poland – Gromee feat. Lukas Meijer – Light me up ***
Gromee and LukasA Polish DJ and a Swedish singer combine to create a very Swedish sounding entry with ear-disturbing (but still enjoyable) distortions and a summer sunshiny beat. The tune never quite breaks free into perfect bliss but it should be enough to get most people up on their feet. Undemanding, and moderate fun.

Malta – Christabelle – Taboo ***
ChristabelleThe taboo in question is that of mental health; and the video in question is an overblown piece of dramatic nonsense. Strip away the layers and you get quite a satisfying pop song with a neat little hook on the mention of animals, animals. I liked this a lot at first but it has quickly begun to pall. Still, first impressions and all that, it could do quite well. Dear old Christabelle’s been hammering at the door of Eurovision for Malta for many years now so it’s good to see her finally get her chance.

Hungary – AWS – Viszlat Nyar *
AWSNow here’s a Marmite song; you definitely either love or hate this one. Traditional Eurovision lovers don’t care for its rocky guitar edginess; those who like a bit of rock seem to rate it highly. I don’t mind a bit of rock at all – but I think this is sheer agony. The title means Goodbye Summer, which seems to have come at the wrong time of the year for the contest. I wonder what Hungarian for Goodbye Chances is?

Latvia – Laura Rizzotto – Funny Girl *
Laura RizzottoIf you were hoping for a spot of Barbra Streisand, think again. Anything funny about Laura Rizzotto’s self-penned ode to misery is either ironic or simply misplaced. It’s a sad account of a relationship breakdown but if it’s meant to be emotional, it completely passes me by. This Rizzotto is all rice and no meat. It’s a shame because she’s an excellent singer and she looks great. However, she wrote it, so there’s no one else to blame…

Sweden – Benjamin Ingrosso – Dance You Off *****
Benjamin IngrossoYou’ll remember a few years ago that young scamp Frans sang a cheeky little number for Sweden about being sorry, but he wasn’t sorry. This year another young scamp, Benjamin, sings a very similar song about getting rid of an unwanted girlfriend. His musical style is a little breathy but it’s a great tune and feels to me (old codger that I am) pretty much contemporary in style. His mother is Pernilla Wahlgren, so music obviously entered his system through the umbilical cord.

Montenegro – Vanja Radovanovic – Inje **
VanjaAnother of those songs that sound like they’ve come from one of the glummer stage musicals. The verse builds to a flourish but then the chorus is quite reserved – at first, at any rate. It’s all about how frost paralyses a heart and so love gets frozen out. Sometimes these Balkan songs can sound really powerful and moving, but this one comes across a pompous and over-complicated. Still, Vanja does wear a terrific frock coat, well jel.

Slovenia – Lea Sirk – Hvala Ne*
Lea SirkBy means of contrast, Lea Sirk’s contribution for Slovenia is the ultimate in attitude, with Lea having a wonderful time strutting her stuff and making it absolutely clear that it’s a case of No Thanks to anyone who asks. It’s a spiky, uncomfortable song, devoid of emotion so it’s hard to open yourself up to it. It also has a rather alienating robotic feel to it. Very competently done, but it’s not my cup of tea at all.

Ukraine – MELOVIN – Under the Ladder ****
MelovinLucky last in Semi Final Two is MELOVIN with the bizarrely titled Under the Ladder, and the first thing you have to admit about it is that boy, is it a catchy tune! 21-year-old Kosytantyn likes his stage name to be spelled in capitals, just in case you didn’t hear it the first time. It’s a very likeable entry but I’m just wondering how his voice will come across. From the videos I sense a little immaturity and insecurity there, but I think if he nails the vocals he could do very well.


France – Madame Monsieur – Mercy *****
Madame MonsieurAlthough I am a self-professed Denmark fan this year, France’s Mercy has been on my head far more than any other song in the run up to this year’s Eurovision and I think it is the classiest composition, given the full gamine interpretation by Emilie, the Madame half of Madame Monsieur. Crammed with pathos, bursting with simplicity, you’d have to be a very hard-hearted sort not to get carried along with it. It wasn’t my favourite from the French final, but on reflection I think it’s the perfect song for Eurovision and for the first time in Donkeys’ Years there’s a real prospect of a Parisian contest next year.

Germany – Michael Schulte – You Let Me Walk Alone **
Michael SchulteFrom one heartfelt song to another, but for me with much less of an impact. Michael Schulte is rocking his Ed Sheeran look, and it’s suitably whingey and self-indulgent for the era, so I think it might appeal to those suffering with teenage angsts, and anyone who’s missing their parents. There’s no question it’s elegantly written, with its escalation up the numbers in the chorus (one love, two hearts, three kids, four no trumps) but at the end of the day it’s rather schmaltzy, and I feel it’s more admirable than enjoyable.

Italy – Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro – Non mi avete fatto niente *****
Ermal and FabrizioOne of the difficulties for some songs that weren’t written directly for Eurovision, is how to cut them down to the requisite three minutes. It killed both Amir’s J’ai cherché and last year’s favourite from Italy, Occidentali’s Karma, all that was left of which was a hollowed out shell of a brilliant song. The otherwise very wordy Non mi avete fatto niente actually benefits from being cut down and the three minute version flows superbly. Like France, it takes a serious subject and gives it a serious and sympathetic treatment without getting maudlin. The two Italian lads are great performers and you write this one off at your peril.

Portugal – Claudia Pascoal – O Jardim ***
Claudia PascoalCongratulations to Portugal for finally winning Eurovision last year with a song that many loved and many didn’t get. The Portuguese always feel more comfortable being represented by a song that has an element of moroseness about it and this year is no exception. Isaura Santos’s song is all about tending the (symbolic) flowers that are all that remain from a lover who’s died, so if you’re waiting for an uplifting song from the Big Five and host, keep waiting. The melody reminds me significantly of the Lightning Seeds Sense, but offers a very different atmosphere. Claudia has a very beautiful style to her voice; similar to Ieva’s from Lithuania, but stronger. The song doesn’t really go anywhere, but I’m not sure that matters. Not a winner, but very nice.

Spain – Amaia and Alfred – Tu cancion **
Amaia and AlfredNot Su Cancion, otherwise Betty Missiego would su(e). Amaia and Alfred were thrown together on Spanish Reality TV and their song reflects the genuine relationship that built between them as the series developed. It’s all very sweet; a little drippy perhaps, but its heart is in the right place. Not the kind of song I’d be likely to play usually, and probably my least favourite of the Big Five + Portugal.

United Kingdom – SuRie – Storm ****

SuRieAnd finally, we hit the 43rd song and it’s the United Kingdom entry with SuRie singing Storm. One thing’s for sure – SuRie is an amazing performer, and with her experiences as part of the Belgian teams with Loic Nottet and Blanche, she shouldn’t be fazed by the big occasion. The song has a nice build and the subtle emotions conveyed in the second verse when she’s talking to her mother and father knock the emotions of the German and Portuguese songs into the proverbial cocked hat. However, I fear it won’t have the necessary initial impact to do well, although I know SuRie will give it a stunning performance. We saw her perform it at West End Eurovision and she’s definitely a safe pair of hands. And lungs.

This never has any particular relation to how the final results will end up, but let’s have a quick look at which songs have received the most looks on YouTube as at this moment now (which is already history) – and the ones that go big are Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Sweden, Norway, France, Austria, Australia, Macedonia, Russia, Lithuania, Belgium, Poland, Estonia and Denmark – but exceeding the second placed song by a good ten million it’s that muthabuckin experience from Israel. Make of that what you will.

It merely remains for me to wish you all a happy Eurovision week; don’t overlook the Semi Finals because they’re a vital part of the whole shenanigans. Have a wonderful time and here’s hoping for a 2019 contest from Paris or Copenhagen. (But I fear it will be Oslo.)

Eurovision Song Contest, Errol Flynn Filmhouse, Northampton, 13th May 2017

Celebrate DiversityThis was indeed the 62nd annual Eurovision Song Contest and I’ve been waving them on, man and boy, ever since the 12th. Fifty years of Eurovision… I should be entitled to a medal. Well, forty-nine really, as the Dowager Mrs Chrisparkle took me on holiday to Cyprus during Eurovision week in 1974, much to my frustration; in those days I didn’t have the ability to record the show, so it all passed me by. Did anyone famous win that year?

ErrolYou may have been forgiven, gentle reader, for thinking that this year’s Euroshindig took place in Kyiv, Ukraine. Not a bit of it. The real action was at the Errol Flynn Filmhouse, Northampton. Mrs Chrisparkle and I, together with Lord and Lady Prosecco, Mr and Mrs Jolly-Japester and Northampton’s own Mr Flying-the-Flag (and Mrs Flag) were in attendance. The sumptuous and (almost) new Screen 2 played host to another evening of wine, women, song, political intrigue, scandal, dubious taste, and snacks.

Helen BlabyAmong those women was BBC Radio Northampton’s very own Helen Blaby, all bedecked in sparkly sequins. She hosted the evening for us, judging the Fancy Dress contest (the three French girls won) and acting as the Jon Ola Sand of the East Midlands in ensuring our voting procedure took place fair and square. No embarrassing “can we please have your votes;” “I don’t have it” moments for us; although they did run out of Velcro.

julia samoilovaSomeone who didn’t win the Fancy Dress contest was a gentleman in a wheelchair, who said he’d come as Julia from Russia. Nice mickey-taking indeed, although he didn’t get her hair right. You’ll know that wheelchair-using Julia was refused entry into Ukraine by the state officials as she had previously performed at a concert in Crimea without permission – and Ukrainian law states that she could not enter the country as a result. The EBU, who run Eurovision, have no power to override a country’s laws but they were disappointed at Ukraine’s stance. All a ploy by Russia, of course, to make Ukraine look bad; in an attempt to make her performance possible, it was suggested she could perform by satellite from Moscow, but that was dismissed outright by the Russians. Therefore, no Russia this year. In an act of extreme contrition, on the evening of the semi-final where Julia would otherwise have been competing in the ESC, she attended another concert instead – in Crimea. Honestly it’s like putting the Krym in criminal. Julia is already nominated as Russia’s performer for the 2018 contest in Lisbon. Let’s hope she tries to sing the same song and is disqualified on the grounds that it was published before 1st September 2017. As you’ve probably guessed, I’ve no sympathy with Russia on this issue. They should have thought about it before aggressively invading another country.

Moldova SunstrokeThe Errol is a great place to see the contest – it’s so comfortable, with a great sound system, and a great selection of food and drink. We even have our own hashtag – #Errolvision. I love the fact that you can take a proper bottle of wine into the cinema with you. No plastic cups, no trashy junk; it treats you like an adult. For the Eurovision, they do the usual game of “let’s bring out some appropriate food and drink for some of the countries” – so we were treated to (if I remember rightly) falafels for Israel, Babybels for Netherlands, Pinot Grigio (chilled individual bottles) for Italy, Fish ‘n’ Chip flavoured snacks for the UK, Black Forest Gateau for Germany, tzatziki for Greece; there may have been more. And, as hinted earlier on, we also have our own voting procedure where everybody has a douze points sticker and a nul points sticker and they award them to whichever countries they like and dislike most. My douze = Italy; my nul = Croatia; Mrs C’s douze = Germany; her nul = Ukraine (I think). But overall – and this will amuse you gentle reader if you know how this year’s results fell – the Errolvision winner was Moldova (gasp!) and the loser was Portugal (gasp, gasp!)

Francesco GabbaniWhat of the songs themselves? We started with Israel, who got us off to a great start with a song I really like. Mrs Flag said that IMRI of Israel looks just like me. I will love her forever for that remark. Poland and Belarus followed, to no great interest, then Austria, with Nathan sitting on the moon (not the only incident of mooning that night). Armenia – still don’t get it; Netherlands – still too many harmonies; then Moldova and finally we all had something uptempo and flashy to get our teeth into – I’m sure it inspired many episodes of epic sax later that night. Hungary – still sounds morose, then my favourite Italy, which I willed on to do really well and win but… in the end, it just didn’t somehow. There hasn’t been a more obvious runaway winner than Francesco since Alexander Rybak in 2009; so how come it didn’t win? Great tune, clever lyrics, engaging performer, and the naked ape isn’t an out-and-out gimmick, he features in the song. Although making him wear a rainbow bow-tie was silly. That means he wasn’t naked anymore – and that’s just the point.

Jacques HoudekDenmark came and went and then it was Portugal, that slow burner that would either do incredibly well or fade away into obscurity. Salvador’s eccentric delivery made a few people laugh in the Errol, and once they realised it wasn’t going to go uptempo, most people just talked through it. Not what the typical Brit thinks is a typical Eurovision song, therefore they weren’t going to show any interest in it. Did they learn nothing from Jamala? Apparently not. Azerbaijan created some scornful cackling at the horse’s head. As for Jacques from Croatia, the Errol audience burst into hysterical laughter at the pompous and ludicrous delivery of the Z-lister from Zagreb, the homophobe from Hrvatska. Many of them voted for it, thinking it was a comedy number.

Lucie JonesAustralia, Greece, Spain and Norway all came, all went and there wasn’t a lot of interest – apart from the one Australian member of the audience who of course HAD to come down to the front whilst Isaiah was on and wave his wallaby at us. Then it was the UK – and we are of course pre-programmed to hope and expect the best and demand that the rest of Europe will respectfully acknowledge our national superiority and festoon us with high scores. Lucie, as we knew she would, performed brilliantly; I think she heightened expectation by having perfected a superb delivery of that song which made us all forget that the song itself is, basically, quite forgettable; and clearly that’s what the majority of the televoters thought too. Not so bad from the juries though, and it’s always a shame to see your country slowly and inexorably drift back to the right hand side of the screen.

Ilinca and AlexCyprus: yes okay; then Romania; and the Errol was soon filled with voices reflecting the lilting sound of rapping yodel. We all enjoyed that one. Germany did really well (IMHO), Ukraine had a shocker of a song, Belgium stood like a Brussels sprout left out in the rain, Sweden went on despite saying he couldn’t, Kristian from Bulgaria gave us an absolute belter, and everyone ignored France because by that stage you’re just adding up and working out your votes.

Jamala and the MoonA bright spark in an Australian flag decided to brighten up proceedings whilst Jamala was performing yet another dirge by jumping up on to her podium and revealing his arse to 200 million people. Jamala was a trooper, she didn’t flinch one moment. I expect she’s seen better before. Still at least she got a visual souvenir of the arseholes she sings about in her song 1944. Turns out he wasn’t a drunken Aussie, but a regular Ukrainian prankster by the name of Vitalii Sediuk, and he might be facing a fine or up to five years behind bars, according to the Ukrainian Interior Minister, who goes by the name of Arsen Avakov (you couldn’t make it up).

Salvador SobralPortugal won, massively; with Bulgaria in second place and Moldova in third. Portugal’s first win since they started competing in 1964 has been met with pretty much universal approval, even though there are still plenty of people who Just Don’t Get The Song. Not only Portugal’s first win but the best ever placing for the top three countries; and the winning song is the first to be written exclusively by a woman/women – so maybe they did end up celebrating diversity after all. Salvador peed a number of people off by using his winner’s speech to denigrate throw-away pop, and on reflection I think he spoke out of turn. Maybe if he’d spent longer in the ESC bubble he might have realised how some people would have taken it the wrong way. Still, there’s no disguising his success – and his big reception on return to Lisbon airport proves his current popularity.

keep-calm-and-welcome-to-lisbon-6Mrs Chrisparkle and I had made a secret pact that if either Italy or Portugal won we would almost certainly go to see the show there next year. It will have been three years since the sea of fans in the auditorium in Vienna parted to make way for Mans Zelmerlow to walk through and we were almost trampled to death by big blokes being forced on top of us; just about enough time to forget the pain and fear and endure it all again. Till then, hope you had a great Eurovision season, and don’t get too upset with the Post Eurovision Depression – plans for next year are already afoot!

P. S. I had Portugal at 11/1 win and Moldova at 100/1 each way, and combined with a few little bets about which countries would qualify, that meant I scored a £200 win from those nice people at Skybet!

Eurovision Semi Final Two 2017

So we reconvened at the appointed hour to witness the solemn ceremony of selecting the final ten to go through to Saturday’s Eurovision Grand Finale. Mrs Chrisparkle and I were accompanied in this challenging but ultimately rewarding task by the likes of Lord and Lady Prosecco (true to their name), Mr and Mrs Jolly-Japester (same applies) and HRH the Crown Prince of Bedford (one doesn’t comment on the behaviour of royalty). Again we each chose the ten songs/performances that we most enjoyed, rather than the ones we thought would get through.

Serbia 17Serbia – Just as it was about to start I popped a bottle of prosecco and it went all over my trousers and socks. By the time I’d mopped it off the table, the carpet and my leg, the song had all but finished. I know I don’t like it much though – it’s too much of a steal from other songs. HRH noted there were two topless male dancers. Given Tijana’s see-through dress, I’ll just leave that with you. Four of us (Mrs C, HRH and the Prosecco pair) decided to put it through to the final.

Austria 17Austria – We remember Nathan as a happy chappy from the London party. Interesting staging, giving a whole new meaning to mooning. He delivered it superbly as we expected. But is there something lacking from this whole thing? Apparently not, as we all sent Nathan through apart from a grumpy Lord Prosecco.

Macedonia 17FYR Macedonia – Mr Jolly-Japester thought her name was Jana Bigchester – clearly his Freudian slip was showing. Jana romped around like a sex kitten, all tinsel and Madonna-like, wearing the epitome of f*ck me boots that Mrs C would die for. Unfortunately, with all this, a rather beautiful and charming song got totally lost. Nevertheless, six of us appreciated her splendid effort, with only Lord Prosecco being grumpy again.

Malta 17Malta – Breastlessly? enquired Mr Jolly-Japester, clearly on a roll. Well, not entirely, came the group response. Hurrah for Claudia finally making it to Eurovision, and most of us agreed that it’s a strong song, if a trifle old-fashioned. Five of us gave her the thumbs up, only HRH wasn’t impressed with her cleavage and Mr J-J just got too bored with the song.

Romania 17Romania – It wouldn’t be Eurovision without something totally ridiculous that just might set the world alight. Time then to meet Ilinca and Alex, two lovely people whom you both want to cuddle. Highly impressed with her performance, Mr J-J noted there was no end to what she was capable of with her throat. The song is total rubbish but they give the audience three minutes of sheer delight. One of only four songs that all seven of us put through to the final.

Netherlands 17The Netherlands – I explained to the gathered crowds the story of how this song was written and succeeded in puncturing the mood completely (Google it if you don’t know). The girls are lovely and it’s beautifully staged but for me it’s as dull as ditchwater. Do you remember how they criticised Mozart for having too many notes? For me this has too many harmonies. Nevertheless, four brave souls – HRH, Lord P and the J-Js all gave it the nod of approval.

Hungary 17Hungary – Lord Prosecco drew this in the office sweepstake so we were all very excited for him to hear it. Oh dear. Nice dancer. Nice violinist. Shame about the song. Mr J-J thought it sounded like an ode to constipation. We know a Hungarian who is genuinely embarrassed by this song. As the late Terry Wogan once said (of the Austrian entry in 1977) “different, but not sufficiently different to make a difference.” Only Lord Prosecco (with an eye on his sweepstake) and Mr J-J sent it through to the final.

Denmark 17Denmark – Eurovision by numbers, and quite dull. Anja went to school in Winmalee, New South Wales, where Mrs C’s best schoolfriend works as a teacher. She probably taught Anja. I’m full of riveting facts, me. Halfway through we stopped listening and started talking about Jeremy Corbyn. Only Lady Prosecco selected her to go through to the final.

Ireland 17Ireland – I think this was the time when the level of our conversation truly descended, unlike Brendan’s testicles. Three minutes asking ourselves searching questions like: What is he dying to try? Does it involve the local priest? What on earth is he doing out this late at night? What the hell are Ireland playing at? To be honest, I rather liked his balloon. Only one of us voted for him to go through: HRH, and I doubt it had anything to do with the song.

San Marino 17San Marino – Lady Prosecco had already condemned this to oblivion before Valentina and Jimmie had opened their mouths. Valentina was so hyper, Mrs J-J assumed she’d been taking speed. Did I hear the line: “I can see the future is bright, I’ll take your booze away”? Harsh. Very cruise ship; but some cruise ship entertainment is really good. Some. One of two songs that none of us voted for at all.

Croatia 17Croatia – I just can’t take this seriously in any way. I giggled my way all through it, and not in a good way. The ultimate “Look at me, I’m a star” song. I know I’m in no position to comment, but really, a man of his proportions should not wear a leather jacket. Skin tight. Fully done up. Once you’d finished laughing at his duet with himself, there was the blissful hilarity of the duelling strings, the violinist and cellist battling out to the death to see who could leave the stage with any vestige of dignity left. This was the other song that was a nul points from all of us.

Norway 17Norway – After the overweening, overblown musical flatulence that preceeded it, JOWST’s little song whispered in on a light breeze with just a slight whiff of Jarlsberg. Mrs J-J said she got Ed Sheeran vibes; I’ll have to take her word for that. Maybe it was just because it followed two totally dreadful entries, but all of us sent it through to the final.

Switzerland 17Switzerland – Miruna was wearing what I can only describe as an oversized mango smoothie, perched atop an enormous desk caddy, also in fetching mango – thoughtfully they’d removed the pencils. Later on, they wheeled up a pink piano with a pink pianist to provide colour contrast. It was like watching a block of Neapolitan ice-cream. She’s got a great voice – but we hardly noticed the song. The Proseccos and Mrs C put it through.

Belarus 17Belarus – Not Michael Holliday’s version of The Story of my Life, much to Lord Prosecco’s disappointment. Arciom and Ksienija looked like little rays of sunshine. So happy. So lacey (at least, I think that’s what that material is). It took me ages to realise they were on a boat and not merely accompanied by two giant hamster wheels. Their song, in pure Belarussian, was also very happy. And felt much longer than three minutes. Only Mr J-J voted it through.

Bulgaria 17Bulgaria – Kristian Kostov (not, as Mr J-J had it, “Tossed-off”) impressed us all with his superb voice and beautiful song. Well, nearly all. “Am I the only one who thinks this is boring?” asked Lady Prosecco. “Yes,” we confirmed. I thought it was sheer class from start to finish. Will it carry off the Grand Prix on Saturday night? Not sure. Could be a chance of so near and yet Sofia. Only the low boredom threshold of Lady Prosecco prevented it from being a clean sweep of yays.

Lithuania 17Lithuania – From the sublime to the ridiculous, featuring the winner of Lithuania’s Got Talons. When one of our party (who shall be nameless) described Viktorija’s coiffure as a “prickly bush”, we had to halt the recording for some time in order to recover. It was also noted that if Viktorija shoved her finger nail into his underpants, it would have been the longest thing down there. Rubbish song, so who cares? Bizarrely Mrs J-J, in a fit of kindness, voted it through.

Estonia 17Estonia – Two to go, and my second favourite of 2017. Another example of jacket jealousy for me as Koit marched across the stage with enormous authority which crumbled when he gave the camera his “Ed Milliband” look. They were singing about how they’d lost their Verona but they were in each other’s arms and looking happy – had they sneakily found it again but told no one? Loved the harmonies though, and this was another song that we all voted through to the final.

Israel 17Israel – I’d always thought this was a very good underdog this year and IMRI absolutely nailed the performance. Terrific vocals, smart looking guy, and an enjoyable song. I’d be happy to see the contest in Tel Aviv next year. Universal approbation throughout as this was the fourth song that we all voted for.

So how did we all do? We all got a mixture of 5 or 6 right (I scored 6) except Mr Jolly-Japester who scored 8 and thereby wins a cutting of Viktorija’s prickly bush for bedding purposes. By contrast, if I’d stuck with the eight songs that I predicted would stumble at this hurdle in my earlier preview blog, I’d have scored 7/10. Belarus, Netherlands and most particularly (guffaw) Croatia were my stumbling blocks. Ah well. We’ll all be watching the big show from the luxury of the Errol Flynn Filmhouse on Saturday night – and wherever you are, I hope you have a great Eurovision night and may the best song about a dancing naked ape win!