Greetings and welcome to the Grand Final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 – as virtually decided by the readers of The Real Chrisparkle Blog! Over the past four weeks we’ve chosen the twenty songs to go forward from the semi-finals to join the Big Five plus The Netherlands. So here are your final 26! The job is as simple as usual – listen to the songs, choose your favourite ten, and award them 12, 10, 8, 7, 6 etc votes in the time-honoured tradition.
Before the Coronavirus struck and ruined 2020 for us all, the home nation, the Netherlands, had drawn 23rd in the running order and will therefore keep that position in our version of the contest. As for the remainder of the order, it’s been handed over to Snowdrop the Psychic Bear to create the best possible show from the raw ingredients. Let’s see what kind of a mess he’s made of that.
So settle down, with the largest glass/bottle of wine you can lay your hands on, and we’ll start with song number one, which comes from Austria – Vincent Bueno, with Alive.
Song Two: Greece – Stefania, with Superg!rl (yes, that exclamation mark still annoys me, and that’s why I’ve put it in the Kiss of Death position. I mean Snowdrop. It annoys Snowdrop. Ahem).
Song Three: Belgium – Hooverphonic, with Please Release Me, let me go (I mean, Release Me.)
Song Four: Serbia – Hurricane, with Hasta la Vista (and we’ll never find out quite how badly they would have sung it live).
Song Five: Croatia – Damir Kedžo with Divlji Vjetre. (It means Wild Winds apparently).
Song Six: and it’s the first of the Big Five, Spain – with Universo by Blas Cantó.
Song Seven: Sweden – The Mamas (without the Papas) with Move.
Song Eight: Estonia – Uku Suviste with What Love Is (not a very elegant title, really.)
FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK – so let’s pop over to the Green Room to see how everyone is doing.
Me: Hi Green Room! How are you all doing?
Green Room: Fine thanks.
END OF FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK
Song Nine: at a disadvantage, because some people haven’t come back from popping on the kettle or going to the loo; it’s Ireland – Lesley Roy with Story of My Life (see comment about Serbia for vocal notes).
Song Ten: Albania – Arilena Ara with Fall from the Sky. Take an umbrella just in case.
Song Eleven: Another Big Five entry, France – with Tom Leeb and Mon Alliée (The Best In Me). (Come on, which is it – Mon Alliée? or The Best In Me? Make your mind up Tom).
Song Twelve: Norway – Ulrikke, with Attention. She has mine.
Song Thirteen: Israel – Eden Alene with Feker Libi. In lots of languages. Pick one and stick with it.
Song Fourteen: Malta – Destiny with All of my Love. Alas, it wasn’t Destiny’s Destiny.
Song Fifteen: that moment ever true-blood Brit waits for, the moment that the UK gets nul points because everybody hates us. James Newman with My Last Breath. (Other views are available.)
Song Sixteen: Germany – Ben Dolic, apparently using somebody else’s voice, with Violent Thing.
Song Seventeen: Bulgaria – Victoria, with the classier and more grammatically sustainable of this year’s two drunk songs, Tears Getting Sober.
SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK – time to hit the Green Room again.
Me: I bet the excitement is sensational in the Green Room at the moment!
Green Room: Yes it is.
END OF SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Song Eighteen (with the same disadvantage as Ireland, see earlier): Iceland – this year’s viral sensation and costume adviser to HM the Queen, Daði og Gagnamagnið with Think About Things.
Song Nineteen: Switzerland – Gjon’s Tears with Répondez-moi (if you can focus on it through your crying eyes).
Song Twenty: Azerbaijan – Efendi with Cleopatra in a good spot in the running order because even today Oil Pays.
Song Twenty-one: Georgia – Tornike Kipiani with his drunken rant, Take me as I Am.
Song Twenty-two: Lithuania – The Roop are On Fire (with desire, getting higher).
Song Twenty-three: huge cheers for the home nation, The Netherlands – Jeangu Macrooy with Grow.
Song Twenty-four: three to go, you can do this; Denmark – Ben and Tan with Yes (I mean YES).
Song Twenty-five: the end is in sight, for the last of the Big Five – Italy, with Diodato and Fai Rumore.
Song Twenty-six: traditionally no one listens to this one as they’re working out which is their favourite; Russia – Little Big with Uno.
So there you have it. The twenty-six songs for you to choose from. If you wish to have a reprise of them all – get a life. Or, alternatively, simply play them as often as you like, to the annoyance of the family, the neighbours, the dog and everyone with whom you come into contact (which should be NO ONE, OK??) Then award your points by emailing them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org (or you can simply DM me if we’re pals). You have until midnight UK time on Sunday 3rd May to accomplish this happy task. Then come back here shortly afterwards for the grand reveal! Merci, et au revoir.