So here we are again, gentle reader, with a look at the eighteen songs that will battle it out in Semi Final Two. It was going to be nineteen, but there was a little ongoing skirmish between Russia and Ukraine because the Russian singer had appeared on stage in the Crimea, which just so happens to be land belonging to Ukraine that Russia have invaded and as a result, and in the spirit of Celebrate Diversity, Russia have told Ukraine they can shove their music contest up their Dnieper. Will Russia be back next year? And moreover, who will there be for the crowd to boo now? As before, you can also see the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 14th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. On y va!

Serbia – Tijana Bogićević – In Too Deep

We start off with a song that many people rather like and that the bookmakers also fancy. She’s not quite Tijuana, but she still has some brass to present a song that starts like About You Now by the Sugababes, goes into a chorus like Katy Perry’s Firework, and spends the rest of its time sounding like Nina’s Caroban from 2011. Tijana was actually a backing singer for Nina so maybe she’s staying with a winning formula. Except that Caroban only finished mid-table. They’ve even nicked the title from Genesis. Is nothing original? My verdict: meh. 25/1 – 100/1. **

Austria – Nathan Trent – Running on Air

I thought this was all a bit cheesy and simple and phoned in until we saw Nathan at the London Party, and I tell you gentle reader, the man is a total star. He sang Running on Air a capella due to a technical issue and, unfazed, he really proved his worth. Plus he has an enormous connection with the audience (Matron!) If he can project that to the people at home this could do very well. As refreshing as a St. Clements, although essentially as insubstantial. 66/1 – 200/1. ***

FYR Macedonia – Jana Burčeska – Dance Alone

Hold the front page – FYR Macedonia in “great Eurovision song” shock! The gorgeous Jana (who also aced it at London) takes out her hair and washes off her makeup in the expectation of a life without love to the sound of a song that would have been a hit for Bananarama. It’s got a clever video too, where old Jana looks back at young Jana through virtual reality glasses, emphasising its message of enjoy life while you can. I really love this song and can’t stop singing it. Best Macedonian song evah! 25/1 – 80/1. *****

Malta – Claudia Faniello – Breathlessly

Finally representing Malta at the 9th attempt, Claudia Faniello is a great singer with wonderful stage presence and whilst this is a fine song, I don’t think there is any one aspect of it that will make it stand out sufficiently to get noticed. When Claudia was at the London Party she sang a medley of her previous songs – if only Caravaggio had made it. Another clever video, where an evening out goes seriously wrong, in reverse – his fault for using a mobile whilst driving. It would be great if Malta were to win one year… don’t think it will be this year though. 100/1 – 200/1. ***

Romania – Ilinca feat. Alex Florea – Yodel It

Every so often Eurovision throws up (and I mean that significantly) a mixture of genres that usually clash and burn. Rap has featured a little in Eurovision ever since Kolig Kaj fell in love with the telephone operator, and yodelling, whilst scarcer, hasn’t really achieved anything since the Pepe Leinhard Band in 1977; mind you, that was a good song. Yodel It is a truly dreadful embarrassment to modern music. But – and it’s a big but – we saw them at the London Party and my goodness they perform brilliantly. The most endearing couple on stage, they could make you believe that yap is the only way forward, and there will be millions round the world simply beguiled by their charm. Ignore this at your peril. 20/1 – 33/1. ***

Netherlands – OG3NE – Lights and Shadows

OG3NE. Not an enigmatic compass point or a half-completed postcode, but a convoluted way of saying O Gene. Graduates of the Junior Eurovision, the three sisters perform a song written by their dad about their sick mother. The lyrics are moving and heartfelt and may well twinge the emotions of the juries. However, musically, the combined melody and performance is the blandest thing I’ve encountered since the beige safari jacket. Nausea overload. 40/1 – 50/1. *

Hungary – Joci Pápai – Origo

From the blandest song in the contest to one of the most characterful. Joci gives us some authentic Hungarian gypsy vibes in this year’s least Western sounding song. (Are you sure? question Belarus. Yes, I reply.) But this is none of your happy gypsy wedding music, it’s got a very haunting rhythm and melody which suggests sadness and angst. In fact, it’s a very serious and dour account of being betrayed because of your race and knowing that only God will stand by your side in the fight for truth and justice. Not many laughs, then. Goulash, anyone? 33/1 – 40/1. ***

Denmark – Anja Nissen – Where I Am

Strong woman sings brassy song about how being a strong, brassy woman gets you nowhere in the love stakes. Anja’s a terrific performer who won The Voice Australia a few years ago, so she can certainly be relied upon to belt out the song. Trouble is, the song isn’t that great; it’s a bit shouty, and I find it quite tiring to concentrate on. I’m sure it will qualify but I don’t think it will trouble the leaderboard on the night. 33/1 – 40/1. ***

Ireland – Brendan Murray – Dying To Try

Brendan Murray was internally selected to represent Ireland this year and his song is a sweet, gentle ballad about taking that risky step into a first love affair, entirely appropriate for a singer who is 20 going on 14. He’s got plenty of experience for his young years and I am sure he will make a splendid stab at it; but again there’s not a lot here that stands out apart from the purity of his rather feminine voice. I confess it doesn’t really do anything for me. 33/1 – 66/1. **

San Marino – Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson – Spirit of the Night

Now we’re off to the land with more cars than people, it’s San Marino and their annual Ralph Siegel-penned, Valentina Monetta-sung entry, Spirit of the Night. Valentina’s fourth appearance in the contest makes her the equal the record for the most frequent female performer at Eurovision, alongside Elizabeth Andreassen and Sue from Peter, Sue and Marc. This time she’s partnered with American actor/singer Jimmie Wilson. It’s a pleasant little number with a racy façade but not much going on beneath the surface. The eponymous spirit is more Ovaltine than tequila slammer; still it means well and does nobody any harm. 100/1 – 250/1. **

Croatia – Jacques Houdek – My Friend

Another song chosen internally, which comes as no surprise to me as I cannot imagine anyone voting for this nonsense of their own volition. Did you know that opera singers are always identifiable by their spectacles? One of the most cringeworthy things I’ve ever had the displeasure to listen to. Please make the strange man singing to himself go away. No, just no. 66/1 – 150/1. *

Norway – JOWST – Grab the Moment

Norwegian singer Joakim With Steen shortens his name to JOWST, so don’t expect him to arrive on stage on horseback with a long pole. He’s accompanied by Aleksander Walmann as a mysterious keyboard artist and backing vocalist, which lends an air of intrigue. This song probably has more words per square inch than any other this year. Nice bouncy delivery and it’s an enjoyable way to waste three minutes, but once it’s gone, it’s gone. 66/1 – 100/1. ***

Switzerland – Timebelle – Apollo

Back to the land of anonymous female ballads that don’t have much to distinguish themselves from the others. Actually Timebelle are a group, but the focus is fully on vocalist Miruna. However, let’s face it, it’s no Sebalter. Nor Sinplus. Nor even Takasa. The song is fairly tedious and nothing drives me to keep listening for the full three minutes. Sorry! 66/1 – 150/1. **

Belarus – NAVI – Story of my Life

The other ethnically-charged entry this year (along with Hungary) and the first ever Eurovision song to be performed in the Belarusian language. Arciom and Ksienija are a personable young couple who sing this positive ditty about life being good and at first it seemed that it was going to be a surprise favourite this year; now, I’m not so sure. Kudos for giving us something different though. 66/1 – 150/1. ***

Bulgaria – Kristian Kostov – Beautiful Mess

Here’s this year’s dark horse. Young Kristian performed at the London Party like a dream, and if you take the time to listen to the song lyrics, it’s absolutely beautiful. A first class ballad, delivered impeccably. Certainly a classic of the future, and by rights it should be up there with a chance on the night. Second favourite. 5/1 – 6/1. *****

Lithuania – Fusedmarc – Rain of Revolution

From the sublime to the ridiculous. Three minutes of total nothing. Lead vocalist Viktorija prances her way over the stage but nothing can disguise the thinness of the song. 42nd out of 42. 80/1 – 250/1. *

Estonia – Koit Toome and Laura – Verona

Keeping two of this year’s best entries till last, repeat offenders Koit and Laura join to deliver a duet about how they’ve lost their Verona (you can provide your own personal definition) with true enigmatic style, elegance of performance and benefiting from a truly singalong melody. Firm fan favourite, it’s instantly appealing but it also allows you to fill in the characters’ back story for them. I think this is magnificent. Oh, and I love their slightly stagy recriminative looks in the video. My second favourite this year. 33/1 – 66/1. *****

Israel – IMRI – I Feel Alive

And Semi Final Two ends, not with a whimper but a bang. IMRI (apparently you have to give him capital letters, it’s the law) delivers a dancey, singalong, feelgood song that will have you up on your feet on the beach at Tel Aviv within seconds. He shouldn’t be fazed by the experience, having been a backing singer for both Nadav Guedj and Hovi Star. It’s got “summer hit” written through it like a stick of Haifa Rock. Sailing through to the final. 50/1 – 150/1. *****

And there go all the songs for Semi Final Two. To which eight songs will we saying thanks, bye? Lithuania, Malta, San Marino, Ireland, Belarus, Switzerland, Netherlands and (if there is any justice) Croatia is my guess. Remember to watch the second semi-final on BBC 4 at 8pm on Thursday 11th May – this time viewers in the UK cannot vote, so it’s all just for fun. Ten songs will go forward from both semis to the Grand Final on 13th May along with six others – the Big Five and last year’s winner, Ukraine. See you tomorrow for that final countdown – and there are some good ones still to look forward to!