These final six songs are already guaranteed to be there on the Saturday night without any further possibilities of elimination. As the performance order is not yet decided I’m going to take them in alphabetical order. As usual, each preview will have its own star rating and its bookmaker odds courtesy of oddschecker.com, as at 24th April. Stick with it, you know you want to.
France – Alma – Requiem
Last year France came up with an absolute smasher of a song that was far and away my favourite for 2016. Well darn me, they’ve very nearly done the same again this year, with a thoroughly entertaining treatise about the ins and outs of love delivered superbly by the bewitching Alma who captured my heart at the London Party. She saw me out of the corner of her eye, gave me a huge smile and dedicated her entire performance to me. (Well, two out of three ain’t bad.) I was uncertain about her vocals at first but she can really sell this song and it ought to do really well. The video takes the concept of dancing underneath the Eiffel Tower to a new level. 20/1 – 33/1. *****
Germany – Levina – Perfect Life
Now here’s a song that splits people. Levina redefines what constitutes a perfect life with her look at making mistakes and learning from experience. It’s a relentlessly catchy arrangement and she sings it beautifully; the only thing that maybe doesn’t quite make the grade is how the lyrics seem to end up at the same place where they started. Nevertheless, I think this is a vastly underrated song and Germany’s best entry since Cascada. 100/1. ****
Italy – Francesco Gabbani – Occidentalis Karma
If you’ve not been anywhere near Planet Eurovision over the past three months you won’t have yet encountered the source of this year’s hype, Francesco Gabbani’s San Remo-winning satirical take on how the west look to the east for some easily digestible spirituality. Ever since it won it’s been the one to beat, and Francesco’s fantastic performance at the London Party did nothing to weaken his chances. The only downside is how brutally they’ve cut the San Remo version to make it fit inside Eurovision’s stipulated three minutes; but what the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve, and anyone hearing it for the first time on the Saturday night won’t know what they’re missing. Since the original video was posted on 9th February it’s now had more than 100 million looks which is unheard of for a Eurovision song. Unquestionably this year’s best entry; funny, dancey, uplifting, and there’s an ape. Clear favourite. 10/11 – 11/8. *****
Spain – Manel Navarro – Do It For Your Lover
Three superb songs, then along trundles Spain. Whether you think Manel won the Spanish selection by fair means or foul (foul being by far the popular vote), he made himself no friends with his reaction to the audience’s reaction (not very dignified), and Spain ends up being represented by three minutes of repetitious tedium that last a lifetime. To be fair, it starts quite promisingly, but then rapidly falls apart. Spain’s like that – for every Pastora Soler there’s a Rodolfo Chikilicuatre, and I’d estimate this as one of Spain’s worst entries of all time. When you get to my age there’s no way you can do it for your lover that frequently in so short a time. 100/1 – 200/1. *
Ukraine – O. Torvald – Time
Time is what the writers of this entry should be doing for crimes against music. O. Torvald – subversive name for a group – have a lot of energy on stage and were entertaining to watch at the London Party but the song is execrable. I don’t think we’ll be in Kyiv two years on the row. 50/1 – 125/1. *
United Kingdom – Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You
Let’s look at the positives. Lucie is a tremendous singer and performer and was by far the best contender at the UK National Selection. She’s been touring in Rent to fantastic reviews so holding her own on that stage should be well within her grasp. The song is plaintive and heart-warming but sadly not memorable. It’ll need a good spot in the running order and fabulous staging to have the remotest chance of getting noticed. My guess is that it’ll be everyone’s 15th favourite song, so nul points (or not far off that) wouldn’t at all surprise me. 25/1 – 66/1. ***
In previous years, I’ve analysed the number of looks each song has received on Youtube’s Official Eurovision channel but there doesn’t seem much point as there’s a large discrepancy between how long some of them have been uploaded – so it doesn’t make a fair comparison. For what it’s worth my favourite is Italy, with Estonia second and France and FYR Macedonia battling it out for third.
Have a great time watching the show on May 13th, wherever you are – at home with some crisps, at a party, or in Kyiv. May the best song win!
So here we are again, gentle reader, with a look at the eighteen songs that will battle it out in Semi Final Two. It was going to be nineteen, but there was a little ongoing skirmish between Russia and Ukraine because the Russian singer had appeared on stage in the Crimea, which just so happens to be land belonging to Ukraine that Russia have invaded and as a result, and in the spirit of Celebrate Diversity, Russia have told Ukraine they can shove their music contest up their Dnieper. Will Russia be back next year? And moreover, who will there be for the crowd to boo now? As before, you can also see the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 14th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. On y va!
Serbia – Tijana Bogićević – In Too Deep
We start off with a song that many people rather like and that the bookmakers also fancy. She’s not quite Tijuana, but she still has some brass to present a song that starts like About You Now by the Sugababes, goes into a chorus like Katy Perry’s Firework, and spends the rest of its time sounding like Nina’s Caroban from 2011. Tijana was actually a backing singer for Nina so maybe she’s staying with a winning formula. Except that Caroban only finished mid-table. They’ve even nicked the title from Genesis. Is nothing original? My verdict: meh. 25/1 – 100/1. **
Austria – Nathan Trent – Running on Air
I thought this was all a bit cheesy and simple and phoned in until we saw Nathan at the London Party, and I tell you gentle reader, the man is a total star. He sang Running on Air a capella due to a technical issue and, unfazed, he really proved his worth. Plus he has an enormous connection with the audience (Matron!) If he can project that to the people at home this could do very well. As refreshing as a St. Clements, although essentially as insubstantial. 66/1 – 200/1. ***
FYR Macedonia – Jana Burčeska – Dance Alone
Hold the front page – FYR Macedonia in “great Eurovision song” shock! The gorgeous Jana (who also aced it at London) takes out her hair and washes off her makeup in the expectation of a life without love to the sound of a song that would have been a hit for Bananarama. It’s got a clever video too, where old Jana looks back at young Jana through virtual reality glasses, emphasising its message of enjoy life while you can. I really love this song and can’t stop singing it. Best Macedonian song evah! 25/1 – 80/1. *****
Malta – Claudia Faniello – Breathlessly
Finally representing Malta at the 9th attempt, Claudia Faniello is a great singer with wonderful stage presence and whilst this is a fine song, I don’t think there is any one aspect of it that will make it stand out sufficiently to get noticed. When Claudia was at the London Party she sang a medley of her previous songs – if only Caravaggio had made it. Another clever video, where an evening out goes seriously wrong, in reverse – his fault for using a mobile whilst driving. It would be great if Malta were to win one year… don’t think it will be this year though. 100/1 – 200/1. ***
Romania – Ilinca feat. Alex Florea – Yodel It
Every so often Eurovision throws up (and I mean that significantly) a mixture of genres that usually clash and burn. Rap has featured a little in Eurovision ever since Kolig Kaj fell in love with the telephone operator, and yodelling, whilst scarcer, hasn’t really achieved anything since the Pepe Leinhard Band in 1977; mind you, that was a good song. Yodel It is a truly dreadful embarrassment to modern music. But – and it’s a big but – we saw them at the London Party and my goodness they perform brilliantly. The most endearing couple on stage, they could make you believe that yap is the only way forward, and there will be millions round the world simply beguiled by their charm. Ignore this at your peril. 20/1 – 33/1. ***
Netherlands – OG3NE – Lights and Shadows
OG3NE. Not an enigmatic compass point or a half-completed postcode, but a convoluted way of saying O Gene. Graduates of the Junior Eurovision, the three sisters perform a song written by their dad about their sick mother. The lyrics are moving and heartfelt and may well twinge the emotions of the juries. However, musically, the combined melody and performance is the blandest thing I’ve encountered since the beige safari jacket. Nausea overload. 40/1 – 50/1. *
Hungary – Joci Pápai – Origo
From the blandest song in the contest to one of the most characterful. Joci gives us some authentic Hungarian gypsy vibes in this year’s least Western sounding song. (Are you sure? question Belarus. Yes, I reply.) But this is none of your happy gypsy wedding music, it’s got a very haunting rhythm and melody which suggests sadness and angst. In fact, it’s a very serious and dour account of being betrayed because of your race and knowing that only God will stand by your side in the fight for truth and justice. Not many laughs, then. Goulash, anyone? 33/1 – 40/1. ***
Denmark – Anja Nissen – Where I Am
Strong woman sings brassy song about how being a strong, brassy woman gets you nowhere in the love stakes. Anja’s a terrific performer who won The Voice Australia a few years ago, so she can certainly be relied upon to belt out the song. Trouble is, the song isn’t that great; it’s a bit shouty, and I find it quite tiring to concentrate on. I’m sure it will qualify but I don’t think it will trouble the leaderboard on the night. 33/1 – 40/1. ***
Ireland – Brendan Murray – Dying To Try
Brendan Murray was internally selected to represent Ireland this year and his song is a sweet, gentle ballad about taking that risky step into a first love affair, entirely appropriate for a singer who is 20 going on 14. He’s got plenty of experience for his young years and I am sure he will make a splendid stab at it; but again there’s not a lot here that stands out apart from the purity of his rather feminine voice. I confess it doesn’t really do anything for me. 33/1 – 66/1. **
San Marino – Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson – Spirit of the Night
Now we’re off to the land with more cars than people, it’s San Marino and their annual Ralph Siegel-penned, Valentina Monetta-sung entry, Spirit of the Night. Valentina’s fourth appearance in the contest makes her the equal the record for the most frequent female performer at Eurovision, alongside Elizabeth Andreassen and Sue from Peter, Sue and Marc. This time she’s partnered with American actor/singer Jimmie Wilson. It’s a pleasant little number with a racy façade but not much going on beneath the surface. The eponymous spirit is more Ovaltine than tequila slammer; still it means well and does nobody any harm. 100/1 – 250/1. **
Croatia – Jacques Houdek – My Friend
Another song chosen internally, which comes as no surprise to me as I cannot imagine anyone voting for this nonsense of their own volition. Did you know that opera singers are always identifiable by their spectacles? One of the most cringeworthy things I’ve ever had the displeasure to listen to. Please make the strange man singing to himself go away. No, just no. 66/1 – 150/1. *
Norway – JOWST – Grab the Moment
Norwegian singer Joakim With Steen shortens his name to JOWST, so don’t expect him to arrive on stage on horseback with a long pole. He’s accompanied by Aleksander Walmann as a mysterious keyboard artist and backing vocalist, which lends an air of intrigue. This song probably has more words per square inch than any other this year. Nice bouncy delivery and it’s an enjoyable way to waste three minutes, but once it’s gone, it’s gone. 66/1 – 100/1. ***
Switzerland – Timebelle – Apollo
Back to the land of anonymous female ballads that don’t have much to distinguish themselves from the others. Actually Timebelle are a group, but the focus is fully on vocalist Miruna. However, let’s face it, it’s no Sebalter. Nor Sinplus. Nor even Takasa. The song is fairly tedious and nothing drives me to keep listening for the full three minutes. Sorry! 66/1 – 150/1. **
Belarus – NAVI – Story of my Life
The other ethnically-charged entry this year (along with Hungary) and the first ever Eurovision song to be performed in the Belarusian language. Arciom and Ksienija are a personable young couple who sing this positive ditty about life being good and at first it seemed that it was going to be a surprise favourite this year; now, I’m not so sure. Kudos for giving us something different though. 66/1 – 150/1. ***
Bulgaria – Kristian Kostov – Beautiful Mess
Here’s this year’s dark horse. Young Kristian performed at the London Party like a dream, and if you take the time to listen to the song lyrics, it’s absolutely beautiful. A first class ballad, delivered impeccably. Certainly a classic of the future, and by rights it should be up there with a chance on the night. Second favourite. 5/1 – 6/1. *****
Lithuania – Fusedmarc – Rain of Revolution
From the sublime to the ridiculous. Three minutes of total nothing. Lead vocalist Viktorija prances her way over the stage but nothing can disguise the thinness of the song. 42nd out of 42. 80/1 – 250/1. *
Estonia – Koit Toome and Laura – Verona
Keeping two of this year’s best entries till last, repeat offenders Koit and Laura join to deliver a duet about how they’ve lost their Verona (you can provide your own personal definition) with true enigmatic style, elegance of performance and benefiting from a truly singalong melody. Firm fan favourite, it’s instantly appealing but it also allows you to fill in the characters’ back story for them. I think this is magnificent. Oh, and I love their slightly stagy recriminative looks in the video. My second favourite this year. 33/1 – 66/1. *****
Israel – IMRI – I Feel Alive
And Semi Final Two ends, not with a whimper but a bang. IMRI (apparently you have to give him capital letters, it’s the law) delivers a dancey, singalong, feelgood song that will have you up on your feet on the beach at Tel Aviv within seconds. He shouldn’t be fazed by the experience, having been a backing singer for both Nadav Guedj and Hovi Star. It’s got “summer hit” written through it like a stick of Haifa Rock. Sailing through to the final. 50/1 – 150/1. *****
And there go all the songs for Semi Final Two. To which eight songs will we saying thanks, bye? Lithuania, Malta, San Marino, Ireland, Belarus, Switzerland, Netherlands and (if there is any justice) Croatia is my guess. Remember to watch the second semi-final on BBC 4 at 8pm on Thursday 11th May – this time viewers in the UK cannot vote, so it’s all just for fun. Ten songs will go forward from both semis to the Grand Final on 13th May along with six others – the Big Five and last year’s winner, Ukraine. See you tomorrow for that final countdown – and there are some good ones still to look forward to!
Well hello there, gentle reader! No sooner has Article 50 been triggered and a General Election announced, than it’s Eurovision time again, and ISN’T the UK going to be popular this year! 42 European nations (well, including Australia) have come together in peace and harmony (well, including Ukraine) and cast their national enmities aside (yep, Russia aren’t there) in this 62nd annual bunfest. To titillate your fancy, I’m here with my trusty friends YouTube and Oddschecker to bring you the 18 songs that constitute Semi Final One, and as any ESC fan will tell you this is by far the stronger of the two semis, so if you don’t like this lot, then I’m afraid you’re not going to have a very good time. We’ll take them in the order that Ukrainian TV have decided; guided by that pure-bred Ukrainian, Christer Björkman. With each song you’ll find the betting odds from all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places on an Each Way as at 24th April, and also I’ll give each song a star rating out of 5. Dum Tek Tek and off we go!
Sweden – Robin Bengtsson – I Can’t Go On
So where do you stand on the use of the word “f*cking” (apologies gentle reader) in a pop song? True, it depends on context, but as far as the Eurovision is concerned, I’m not impressed. Its subsequent replacement by “freaking” isn’t much better, as it’s a word that’s solely used when you mean “f*cking” but can’t say it. Isn’t it always the way that when someone wins Melodifestivalen, you always prefer their earlier songs that didn’t make it? This isn’t a patch on Constellation Prize. There’s no doubt that the repetitious “I Can’t Go On, I Can’t Go On” makes a big impact, especially when he and his guys all walk forward in a very determined and resolute manner. It’s flashy, it’s professional, it’s Sweden; and it’s totally without heart. I suspect that this will do very well and I think that’s rather sad. Third favourite with the bookmakers. 7/1 – 8/1. ***
Georgia – Tamara Gachechiladze – Keep The Faith
Almost every year it’s said there are too many female ballads. And when I first heard all this year’s songs, this was one of those indistinguishable female ballads that might have been anyone from anywhere dirging on about anything. But actually, if you concentrate on it, it’s not half bad. Tamara, who in 2009 was put out when she wanted to Putin, sings another one of those songs that could be a James Bond theme (albeit on a rough year). It’s a song about personal assertiveness; basically, if others are telling you what to do, tell them to go jump in the swamp. I hope Tamara doesn’t go anywhere near a naked flame in that PVC outfit. 66/1 – 150/1. ***
Australia – Isaiah Firebrace – Don’t Come Easy
Hotfoot from his success at winning Australian X-Factor last November, 17-year-old Isaiah gives us his best puppydog eyes as he tries to convince us, despite his meagre years, that, through the heartache of a series of so many agonising relationships, he’s picking himself up and looking at love through the experienced eyes of – wow, maybe, even an 18 year old. Isaiah is a great singer who emotes well, the song has a tuneful chorus and builds nicely to a final anti-climax. But it does lack a certain something. I had to confirm with 4lyrics.eu that the last word of the second line is in fact “sheets”. 14/1 – 25/1. ***
Albania – Lindita – World
Is it just me, but when a song opens with words like “we’re so alike, yet different” my heart just plummets. Lindita seems a nice girl and relishes in her opportunity to be dramatic. Another incarnation of the indistinguishable female ballad genre, the song washes over you comfortably and cosily and you never knew it was there. Despite that, it’s still probably one of Albania’s best entries. Lindita’s been on American Idol, the real deal, not one of these European fake versions, and I’m sure she’ll perform real swell. 100/1 – 300/1. **
Belgium – Blanche – City Lights
Time for one of the early favourites. On video this is so good. Moody, dramatic, contemporary, brooding, Blanche takes us through her experience in the danger zone with a palpable sense of threat only just out of reach; and it’s great to see the Mysterons in gainful employment again. But how is this going to work on stage? I’m afraid at the London Party Blanche had all the charisma of a mushy Brussels sprout and no clue as to how to sell the song. Another 17-year-old, she’ll need a lot of direction as to how to project and make the best of this powerful material… but if she gets it, then this could go big. 10/1 – 16/1. ****
Montenegro – Slavko Kalezić – Space
A word of warning: if you ever stumble upon a Montenegrin restaurant and Slavko Kalezic is your waiter, don’t risk it because his pigtail’s a clip-on and it might fall in the soup. And that would make an almighty mess. Not that Slavko should need any second income after this contest, as I’m sure his sheer pizzazz as a natural showman will keep him at the forefront of Saturday night family entertainment viewing for a long while. Oh wait… Space has a pretty good verse that develops into something of a late 70s disco track – I could easily imagine it as part of the Saturday Night Fever brand – all apart from those lyrics about having sex in space. “Wet dreams, wild nightmares, I surrender, come into me from within, we can be as one in the sin”. What would Mary Whitehouse make of it? 66/1 – 200/1. ****
Finland – Norma John – Blackbird
Another early favourite – when this first reached our ears many were hailing it worthy of an Ivor Novello award. Just a singer, a pianist and an account of love now lost. For the record, she isn’t Norma, and he isn’t John. With its plaintive simplicity and moving lyrics it really stands out in a sea of bland pop as being different, but is different good enough? The staging will be vital to keep the audience’s interest up during that frilly trilly instrumental sequence, and Leena’s diction will have to be spot on – we couldn’t make out a word she was saying at the London party. It’s dour and downbeat, but appropriately so. Otherwise we’d ask the blackbird to “chirrup”, geddit? 40/1 – 66/1. ****
Azerbaijan – Dihaj – Skeletons
Diana Hajiyeva lends a couple of her syllables to the group she fronts for this year’s representative from lovely Baku in Azerjeben. A quirky midtempo number that’s quite appealing on the ears but it doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s written by the same team who won with Running Scared, and it’s every inch as dynamic. Of all 42 songs in this year’s contest this is the one I find hardest to recall, which may be another way of saying it’s instantly forgettable. But it’s perfectly within possibility that Dihaj will win D-day. (sorry) 18/1 – 33/1. **
Portugal – Salvador Sobral – Amar Pelos Dois
The same position in the running order as the much-fancied Sergey Lazarev last year, here comes the complete opposite, Salvador Sobral, almost an anti-performer, with his crumpled jacket and quiet reserved style. Where some performers need coaching to come out of their shells, Salvador creates an art form of it, basing his whole presentation on an intimate, private and heartfelt rendition of his song, written by his sister. It’s extremely old fashioned; as the introduction starts you can imagine the black and white footage of the orchestra, or see the blunt stylus crashing down on top of the grooves of a spinning 78. A Marmite song – personally I think it’s enchanting but I also think if you hear it too often it could pall quickly. Nevertheless, this could be Portugal’s best chance of victory for a very long time. Salvador has his health scares; let’s hope he is well enough to be able to perform on the night. Fourth favourite. 10/1 – 14/1. *****
Greece – Demy – This is Love
Another rather anonymous midtempo number, with a very wordy verse redeemed by a disco chorus, but wait… what’s that wriggling under the surface trying to come out? Yes it’s Paula Seling and Ovi’s Miracle from 2014 oozing from nearly every note. To be fair, it’s not bad but there’s something about it that stops me being enthusiastic; maybe it’s the banal lyrics. 28/1 – 40/1. ***
Poland – Kasia Mos – Flashlight
From one anonymous song to another. This is so lurking in the shadows that it barely registers. Shamelessly trading on the fire, higher, desire rhyme, you could hear this twenty times and still not remember it. Poland always does well, and Kasia is a good singer, but this really is so dull. 40/1 – 100/1. *
Moldova – Sunstroke Project – Hey Mamma
And yet another unoriginal song, but at least this time there’s a purpose to its unoriginality. Yes Epic Sax Guy is back, he who accompanied countless internet sealions on the saxophone following the unexpected interest in his wonderful sax riff on Run Away back in 2010. This time, in a rather saucy video, the Sunstrokers are on the trail of a beautiful girl but constantly interrupted by her milf of a mum. Honestly guys, you could do a lot worse. This year’s epic sax break is possibly even more epic, and has a nice back foot shuffle move to go with it. Instantly uplifting, and I like it much more than I should. 66/1 – 200/1. *****
Iceland – Svala – Paper
Svala peers into the light like a waking meerkat with her little hands fighting away imaginary jackals. Wearing her thick red anorak indoors, where it’s not even raining; if she doesn’t take it off she won’t feel the benefit. “You make me feel like paper,” she sings, “you cut right through, I’m stuck like glue”. It’s true, there’s nothing quite so painful as a paper cut. Not so much a song, more of a collage. This doesn’t do much for me. 50/1 – 100/1. **
Czech Republic – Martina Bárta – My Turn
Martina’s contemporary dance video to accompany this song makes you think there must be something more substantial to this song and encourages you to concentrate on it more – and actually it works as a combination. However, she’s not going to be allowed to have twenty nearly naked people in their underwear cavorting over the stage, so I expect on the night it might sound rather hollow. It’s not a bad song, albeit with lullaby qualities. Czech soul music. 100/1 – 250/1. ***
Cyprus – Hovig – Gravity
Last year Cyprus gave us schlager rock, and they’ve followed the same pattern this year. It’s an opportunity for some macho posing that Hovig sees no need to ignore. The song’s a little lumbering and heavy but I rather like it, even though they break the cardinal rule of taking you high and touching the sky. Probably delivers slightly less than it promises. 50/1 – 200/1. ***
Armenia – Artsvik – Fly With Me
A little mood music from Armenia, with Artsvik encouraging us to fly with her as though she were 10cc’s Mandy. It’s quite evocative and atmospheric and very nicely done but never really reaches turbodrive. It’s in the tightly fought Semi Final 1 but even so, doubtless it will qualify. 16/1 – 20/1. ***
Slovenia – Omar Naber – On My Way
The second of this year’s return offenders, Omar Naber offers us a pleasant and unremarkable ballad that isn’t a patch on his song Stop, which failed to qualify so I can’t see this getting through. The video seems to show a Shakespearean tragedian having an argument with himself and I don’t think that’s helping. Omar appeared at the London Party and he’s a strong performer, who deserves to have more original material written for him… oh yeah, he wrote this himself. 100/1 – 250/1. **
Latvia – Triana Park – Line
The final song of the first semi is a quirky, rebellious little number from Triana Park, which isn’t the name of the lead vocalist but the group as a whole. Yet another song that it’s quite difficult to recall, even though it’s very different from most of the others. It’s space-agey in a modestly exciting manner, although that “all I see is you, all I see” sequence is immensely tedious. Agnese came to the London Party and aced it. 66/1 – 150/1. ***
So that’s the line up for Semi Final One. Eight songs won’t qualify and I’m going to suggest they will be: Albania, Poland, Moldova (even though it’s my favourite in this semi), Iceland, Czech Republic, Slovenia, Latvia and Cyprus. Semi Final One is on BBC4 on Tuesday 9th May at 8pm, and that’s the semi-final in which the UK can vote. And I’ll be back shortly with a preview of Semi Final Two. See you soon!
There are just six more songs left to consider that are guaranteed their Saturday night spot without any unnecessary hurdles earlier in the week. As the performance order is not yet decided I’m going to take them in alphabetical order. That will appeal to whatever OCD is in me. Again each preview will have its own star rating and its bookmaker odds courtesy of oddschecker.com, as at 14th April. You’ve come so far! You can’t give up so soon.
France – Amir – J’ai cherché
And here’s a fine thing. France have come up with a total smasheroony that is many people’s favourite (myself included) and is probably their best song for generations. Amir’s original album version of the song which exceeds 3 minutes is even better. But I still love the English/French mix of the lyrics and its totally overwhelming rhythms that cling on and won’t let you go. The lyrics of self-recognition and achievement are beautifully realised in the video featuring a boy ballet dancer and a girl boxer – be who you want to be, is the message. Sadly, I don’t think it will actually carry off the Grand Prix but what a splendid thing if it did. Ethnically Amir is an exciting blend of nationalities, which comes out in his musical style. A true entertainer; at the London Eurovision Party he held the title of Monsieur Charisma. 10/3 – 11/4 (coming in). *****
Germany – Jamie-Lee – Ghost
18-year-old Jamie-Lee became the first teenager to win the German version of The Voice and is obviously on her way to becoming a big favourite at home. The song has a very downbeat feel to it, with its theme of trying to rescue a dying relationship, which is at odds with Jamie-Lee’s Disney Princess with a touch of Gaga fashion sense. I reckon it lacks that vital impact that will get people’s juices flowing. The more you hear it, the better it gets, but I think it will be too late – a case of Spirits Having Flown. 40/1 – 66/1 (drifting). ***
Italy – Francesca Michielin – No Degree of Separation
For some reason it nearly always takes me a long time to get to grip with Italian entries; apart from Fiumi di Parole, I loved that from the start. You know how Mozart is criticised in Amadeus for writing too many notes? I feel this is a song that has not enough notes but too many words. It’s like Jim Steinman has moonlighted for La Scala and come up with a soul searching epic that goes on, and on, and…. Francesca emotes her little calzini off in the video, but at the London Party I thought it lacked oomph. A musical interpretation of flogging a dead horse. 28/1 – 40/1 (steady). ***
Spain – Barei – Say Yay!
Another song with an upbeat message about getting what you want and letting no one stand in your way. And if they don’t like it, well say yay. If you know me in real life, you’ll know that I’m not above getting on the dance floor and shaking my geriatric thing but even so when I first heard this song it rather left me cold; if this is meant to create a wall of sound it needs repointing. That said, I like it much more now, and, with some wily staging, the gaps in its structure might well be hidden. The song has courted controversy for being the first ever Spanish entry sung completely in English. Whatever next, Big Macs replacing tapas? Barei’s a game lass and certainly knows how to present a song. Kurt Calleja wants his shoes back. And his dance routine. 22/1 – 40/1 (drifting). ****
Sweden – Frans – If I Were Sorry
This year’s young people’s song, if I can put it that way. And after all, little Frans is just 17. I met him at the London Eurovision Party. Very polite, very quiet, and possessor of several beanies. His dad on the other hand is a complete raver. My least favourite from the ten to choose from in the Melodifestivalen final, Frans is, however, an excellent performer and really sells the song, and I’m just beginning to get it. I reckon this will go down very well with juries and young voters, but don’t expect anything from those over [insert your own age here]. It doesn’t help that, at heart, it’s a rather unpleasant song – promising all this love and tenderness, forgiveness and reconciliation, only to discover the little sh*t’s not sorry after all. Top ten certainly, top five maybe. 8/1 – 14/1 (starting to drift). ***
United Kingdom – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Saved the best till last? Not quite, but not far off, in my humble opinion. Joe and Jake were certainly my choice to go forward from the UK national final (Hallelujah that we had one). The guys seem to have a great understanding of each other, and I find myself singing the song at odd moments on a far too regular basis. They harmonise well, and I really love the I, I, I….Sky, I, I sequence. Really nice, down to earth, ordinary guys too. I can’t see it on the left hand side of the scoreboard but will be crossing all digits in the hope for much better. Can’t resist a spot of Retro Britpop. You will say that patriotism is blinding my insight; maybe so, but this is my favourite UK song since Nicki French. 50/1 – 150/1 (coming in slightly). *****
As ever, I do a little counting up of the number of hits each song has received on the Eurovision.tv YouTube channel, not that it means anything at all on previous experience. These are the top ten hits as at 26th April.
10th – Russia (1603827)
9th – Spain (1746290)
8th – Serbia (1760659)
7th – Bosnia (2072256)
6th – Armenia (2707698)
5th – Malta (2707942)
4th – Azerbaijan (2874983)
3rd – France (2909088)
2nd – Australia (3053444)
1st – Poland (3532181)
Last year second place Russia came first in this table, third place Italy were 8th in this table, whereas winning song Sweden was nowhere to be seen. Azerbaijan, Australia and Spain were also in the top ten of YouTube views, just as they are this year. What stands out this year is the high placing of Poland. Worth a sneaky Each Way?
Have a great time watching the show on May 14th, wherever you are – at home with some crisps, at a party, or in Stockholm. May the best song win!
So here we are again, gentle reader, with a look at the eighteen songs that will battle it out in Semi Final Two. It was going to be nineteen, but then the EBU looked in the box where Romania had said it had left 16 million Swiss Francs and the damn thing was empty! So they got booted out of the contest in a hissy fit and can now only stand on the sidelines and peer with their noses pressed up against the shop window. As before, you can also see the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 26th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. Let’s do this!
Latvia – Justs – Heartbeat
Semi Final Two gets underway with Justs from Latvia and a song with so synthesised an arrangement that the notes sound like farting in an electronic bathtub. I’m confused by this song – is he going for a kind of Erasure sound? Justs appeared at the London Eurovision Party and gives a confident performance and I know this song is fancied but it kind of just passes me by. I really want to like it more than I do. OK – after about half a dozen hearings, I’m just beginning to get it. But that’s not what you want from a Eurovision song. 16/1 – 25/1 (starting to drift). **
Poland – Michał Szpak – Color of Your Life
So let’s start with a rap across the knuckles for the American spelling of Colour. Don’t think that will endear you to the British voters, Mr Szpak. Michał is definitely master of his own appearance; in fact, with that Biblical look you’d think him much more likely to walk on water than Ira Losco. I didn’t like this much when I first heard it but it is growing on me now. I rather like the song’s sentiment – it appeals to someone who’s perhaps no longer in the first flush of youth. The melody is charming – but it does remind me of something else…. But then I guess there are lots of songs that go “Oh oh oh oh”. He sang at the London Eurovision Party and definitely has a strong stage presence. I expect it will qualify. 28/1 – 40/1 (coming in). *
Switzerland – Rykka – The Last of our Kind
Another of those songs that’s part way to being good but somehow falls short. Rykka’s an attractive girl with big hair and a very irritating way of saying “movie”. But I find if I listen all the way to the end of the song it’s like swallowing a pint of sugar paste. Switzerland have sent some brilliant songs over the past ten years. This isn’t one. 150/1 – 300/1 (steady). *
Israel – Hovi Star – Made of Stars
Continuing the syrup, here is Hovi Star with Made of Stars and if you feel like that’s just a little too much astronomy, I’m with you. Israel tend to send two types of song: the lively, dynamic, ethnically funky stuff that everyone loves, and variations on a dirge like this one. It’s very repetitive too. When I was playing the songs to Mrs Chrisparkle this was the one where she cried out for mercy and said she could take no more. A very pleasant melody lost inside a jelly of gloop. Did I tell you it was repetitive? 66/1 – 150/1 (steady). **
Belarus – Ivan – Help You Fly
Still, no matter how sugary sweet the earlier entries, at least they don’t feature a naked man surrounded by wolves. I guess they realise the song is so weak they have to distract the viewer with something. Perfecting that “just out of the shower” look, Ivan wants to help us fly, but if he’s the pilot, I think I’ve just lost my passport. A song from another era, from another planet. It’s the wolves I feel sorry for. 150/1 – 300/1 (steady). *
Serbia – Sanja Vučić ZAA – Goodbye (Shelter)
So there’s a number of things that put you off here. The song has a title with another title (in brackets) that bears no association with the first title. The singer appears to have the Serbian equivalent of MBE after her name, although that’s apparently her group. So why isn’t she Sanja Vučić and the ZAA’s? Much more reassuring. Sanja herself is an attractive girl until she overdoes the makeup so that she looks like Cleopatra on Goth night. The song is some overblown nonsense that gets nowhere but does so with chutzpah. 18/1 – 28/1 (steady). **
Ireland – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight
Whoever produced the video made the fatal error of displaying the lyrics – that way there is no hiding place from the fact that they are mindlessly trite. That said, surely only Sergey Lazarev has similar live-performance-in-front-of-a-huge-crowd experience as our Nicky, and he’s going to be a really safe pair of lungs on the night. Actually I like this song very much. It’s upbeat, well-meaning, stays just on the entertaining side of bland, and has the nice touch that the melody goes up at the end of the chorus. He appeared briefly at the London Eurovision Party before he had to get the flight back to Ireland, but sure gave a great performance. Underrate this at your peril. 50/1 – 150/1 (steady). ****
FYR Macedonia – Kalliopi – Dona
Everyone else has already done all the doner doner doner kebab jokes, so I won’t add to your burden. Kalliopi is, as we know from her 2012 Eurovision appearance, a really gifted singer with a powerful personality and strong stage presence. Crno I belo is a fantastic song which has stood the test of time with fortitude. Dona, on the other hand, seems lame and dated even before it’s started. Shame because she’s capable of so much more. 150/1 – 350/1 (steady). **
Lithuania – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting for this Night
The second of two repeat offenders on the run, it’s welcome back to Donny Montell and this time he’s left the blindfold off. As soon as I’d heard this song a few months ago I guessed instantly that it would win the Lithuanian selection show, as it’s a very easy-going, likeable tune sung by an easy-going, likeable guy. This is one of those Eurovision songs that would fit in well as a show tune. That’s not always a good thing. It’s ok to listen to a few times, but you wouldn’t want to overdo it. 80/1 – 150/1 (steady). ***
Australia – Dami Im – The Sound of Silence
Australia in the semis for the first time and they’ve brought in another big gun with X-factor winner, and South Korean export, Dami Im. This sound of silence has nothing to do with Simon and Garfunkel – although there may be some slight borrowings in the lyrics – and for certain Paul and Art definitely never did FaceTime. This has a strong, haunting atmosphere and relentless rhythm that really packs a punch. The chorus is repetitive, and doesn’t say much – but that somehow adds to its slightly eerie instability. Great stuff. 10/1 – 12/1 (steady). *****
Slovenia – ManuElla – Blue and Red
A rather racy and pacey song, the message of which is “blue is blue and red is red and you’re depressed that I wouldn’t be what you wanted me to be but I’m alright, so that’s alright then.” I’m not sure ManuElla should start volunteering at the Samaritans. She looks kinda cute in one of Sergeant Pepper’s old cast-offs. It’s okay; it’s what Mrs C would call “relentless” and she doesn’t mean that as a compliment. 150/1 – 400/1 (drifting). ***
Romania – Ovidiu Anton – Moment of Silence
This is where Romania would have been – but now they’re not. Actually it’s a song that I didn’t rate at all until I heard it performed live at the London Eurovision Party. Ovidiu’s a formidable chap who loves to rock and he delivers a really powerful vocal to this anthemic ballad which feels like it should be the theme to a Lord of the Rings-type fantasy. It’s a little overblown and a little over-the-top – but then again, it is Eurovision, isn’t it? Surprisingly entertaining. But, above all, not participating. ∞/1. ***
Bulgaria – Poli Genova – If Love Was a Crime
This is what you’ve been privately wondering all the time: “дай ми любовта”. That’s what she’s singing in the bit you don’t understand. It means “give me love” according to Google Translate. I thought she was singing either the sex-in-the-bath invitation of “ooh, bring me loofah” or the more mysterious whodunit suggestion of “who nicked me loofah”. Rather sad to discover neither is true. Poli teamed up with the Chipmunks for the introduction – nice of her to give work to some aged singing rodents. “If love was a crime, then we would be criminals…. They will never break us down… Our love ain’t got no pride… Together we’re untouchable…” In post-Conchita eastern Europe, this is more than just a love song, methinks. Great performer too, as I can testify from the London Eurovision Party. 18/1 – 25/1 (coming in). ****
Denmark – Lighthouse X – Soldiers of Love
Typical boyband sound but perhaps not quite so typical boyband members and lyrics. Whilst the description of the group on Eurovision.tv is as pompous as it gets, they clearly are three separate artistes, combined together to make socially responsible music (whatever that is). When asked if they have a superstition before going on stage, they answer: “We gather together, look at each other, deeply in the eyes, as we agree to have fun and to sing from the heart.” OK. The song is all about “what’s the reason that we keep on hiding… take my hand and never let go…we’ll be soldiers of love”. Lyrically Bulgaria and Denmark are bookends on the same shelf. Musically, it never quite soars, but it’s pleasing enough. 80/1 – 150/1 (steady). ***
Ukraine – Jamala – 1944
So when your non-Eurovision-watching friend says to you that Eurovision is all frothy light-hearted bubblegum, you can turn their attention to this year’s Ukrainian song which is all about acts of war and genocide; specifically, about the deportation of the Crimean Tatars in 1944 and particularly about Jamala’s great-grandmother, who lost her daughter while being deported to Central Asia. There’s no doubt that it’s a moving song; nor is there any doubt that Jamala is an extraordinary singer. I’m just not sure it’s that rewarding a listen. Is it shallow of me to prefer Le Papa Pingouin? And does she really mean to say arseholes? Twice? 16/1 – 22/1 (starting to drift). ***
Norway – Agnete – Icebreaker
Now here’s a funny old thing. You’ve heard that concept of having two or three tunes spliced together in one song, and how it always works? Think again. Agnete warms us up with an enjoyably upbeat verse and gets you in the mood for a schlagertastic chorus – and then everything stops as tune #2 kicks in like a hangover. What on earth were they thinking? Mrs C almost choked on her prosecco. Once you’ve had that feeling of let-down, you never regain the original upbeat atmosphere. I don’t think this will qualify. 66/1 – 125/1 (drifting). **
Georgia – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold
Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz. What a totally splendid name for a band. Unfortunately, after that, everything goes downhill. No, to be fair, the video is rather fun, with Nika as a mad professor and the group on Play-Doh instruments. Yet another example of a song that almost makes it, because it has a subtle moody vibe and decent guitar work but it just doesn’t gel together. Very non-Eurovision. 150/1 – 500/1 (steady). **
Albania – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale
I know you’d been wondering what had happened to Youddiph’s massive dress after the 1994 contest. Well it’s turned up in Eneda’s dressing-up box and she sports it quite tastefully for headgear. That’s not the only thing that’s unoriginal about this entry. They’ve taken Rybak’s title, Antique’s concept and Aminata’s “oh-oh”s. Three minutes of moody gloom. It does nothing for me at all. 100/1 – 500/1 (steady). *
Belgium – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure
Cheeky little Laura is only 19 and looks like a bundle of fun so why has she saddled herself with a song straight out of the 1980s? I bet she’s got loads of better numbers up her sleeve. It sounds so dated; after last year’s Belgian entry this is a massive step backwards. The lyrics also don’t make much sense. The tune is bright and breezy but never quite hits a pay-off moment. It goes so far, then pulls itself back. A musical interpretation of Catholic birth control. 80/1 – 150/1 (steady). **
And that completes Semi Final Two. Which eight songs do you think are for the jettisoning? Albania, Belarus, Georgia, Switzerland, Belgium, FYR Macedonia, Israel and Serbia is my guess. Remember to watch the second semi-final on BBC 4 at 8pm on Thursday 12th May – this time viewers in the UK can vote. Ten songs will go forward from both semis to the Grand Final on 23rd May along with six others – the Big Five and last year’s Sweden. See you tomorrow for that final countdown – and there are some good ones still to look forward to!
Greetings gentle reader! It’s Eurovision time again, Hip Hip… replacement. This year 42 nations of the world who are either in Europe, are out of Europe but are in the EBU, or are called “Australia”, will be competing for the glory of the Eurovision win and the honour of hosting the contest in their home country next year. Not you, Australia, get back in line – if you win, Angela Merkel’s going to host it in Berlin like a true okker. To get you up to speed, I’m here with one eye on YouTube and another on Oddschecker to bring you the 18 songs that will get the ball rolling with Semi Final One, coming all the way from Stockholm in bonnie Sweden. Let’s look at them in the order that SVT have decided; no more random draws of course, this is about as transparent as a photocopied fax from Mossack Fonseca. With each song you’ll find the betting odds taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places on an Each Way as at 26th April, and also I’ll give each song a star rating out of 5. Hajde da ludujemo and let’s go crazy!
Finland – Sandhja – Sing it Away
So we start off with Sandhja, and her song bursting with optimism and positivity. It’s the kind of song that just might make you feel better about your life, if you think of all the bad things and then just sing them away. Simples. Apparently, it’s impossible to be stressed if you’re singing. I like its message; it’s got a reasonable amount of girl power to be healthy without being overpowering; and the tune is not half bad. When the chorus kicks in that brassy accompaniment makes it sound like a forgotten album track by Swing Out Sister. The only problem with it is that it’s a wee bit forgettable. And with seventeen more songs to follow, who’s going to remember it? 100/1 – 350/1 (steady). ***
Greece – Argo – Utopian Land
Time for the annual quiz question, how on earth can Greece afford to participate in Eurovision? Maybe by taking their 2011 entry Watch My Dance, switching the verse and the chorus round the other way, trading in Loucas Yiorkas for an obscure folk group and crossing their collective fingers. Seriously, the lyrics are a rather poignant account of refugees getting a chance to jump on a plane for a better life in an Utopian Land and you’d have to be pretty hard-hearted not to feel a tinge of there but for the grace of God about it. To be fair, you’ll probably like it most the first time you hear it, which is not a bad thing for a Eurosong. After a couple of listens you want to slit your wrists in a vat of ouzo. 100/1 – 300/1 (steady). **
Moldova – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars
Lidia’s a striking lady with something of the Daria Kinzer about her; I wonder if she’ll borrow all her frocks. After all, she’s borrowed the tune from YOHIO’s Heartbreak Hotel. It’s quite upbeat and enjoyable to listen to but there’s nothing that really gets you going wow. 12 points from Romania. Well, it would have been at any rate, if they hadn’t been sent home with a flea in their ear. 200/1 – 500/1 (drifting). ***
Hungary – Freddie – Pioneer
Next up a country that in recent years has put out some terrific stuff but is just starting to go backwards. Last year Boggie was a tedefest and I reckon Freddie’s in the same category. He’s got one of those voices where you’re not entirely sure he’s going to make the note without busting some vital organ. The song limps along and after three minutes we’re put out of our misery. For some bizarre reason, this is relatively popular. Must be his Magyar charm, and his inability to tuck in his shirt. 40/1 – 80/1 (drifting). **
Croatia – Nina Kraljic – Lighthouse
So far this hasn’t been a semi-final of enormous promise, and here’s another one that almost makes it as a good song but then has a rather boring chorus to let it down. A lighthouse is meant to be a beacon to show the way; but I’d be frankly nervous about following Nina up a dark alley. The poor girl’s going to catch her death after all that rain anyway. Quite atmospheric I guess. We saw Nina perform at the London Eurovision Party, where she seemed to be wearing a tree. I have to say, it didn’t shine too much of a light. 25/1 – 66/1 (drifting significantly). ***
Netherlands – Douwe Bob – Slow Down
Finally, a song that sounds a little different from all the others! Douwe Bob, unlike his more famous brother Egbert, has got his mates round for a jamming session and some pool down at the local bar. He gives us a country sounding song in praise of taking it easy. I liked this the moment I heard it – and I don’t do country. Will it be the second Common Linnets? Probably not. But it’s generally appealing and will certainly qualify. 25/1 – 50/1 (steady). ****
Armenia – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave
And now it’s time for a contender for the title Most Attractive Performer (female). Iveta’s song takes a good while to get going – including wasting a huge number of seconds on a silly sound effect about half a minute in – but once it does kick in, I rather like it. Moodily shot, the video includes Carola’s wind machine and a Viking. Plus, it has the words: “Spread a lovewave ´n my heart goes ba-ba-da-bu-who-oh-oh”. What’s not to like? A 2-minute song stretched out to 3. Don’t interrupt Iveta before she goes on stage, as she’ll be meditating with her crystals. 14/1 – 22/1 (steady). ****
San Marino – Serhat – I Didn’t Know
From the sublime to the ridiculous; the really, really, ridiculous. Serhat is obviously a terrific chap, and a doyen of Turkish TV for many years. Have you heard his song Je m’adore? Check it out, it’s great. Just don’t accidentally listen to his Eurovision song by mistake. I hope he doesn’t wear that stupid monocle thing. When I first heard this I found it strangely haunting; that was before they disco’d it up and now I think it hasn’t a ghost of a chance. To think this came from the team who helped create Sakis’ Shake It. How art the mighty fallen. 150/1 – 500/1 (drifting). *
Russia – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One
This year’s big favourite with the bookmakers comes from a strong performer, and with a glossy promotional video it’s clear that Russia really want the title again. And I think they could do it. Sergey has the ability to make a weak song sound like Ivor Novello. The song isn’t quite the strongest but it’s perfectly acceptable and with a combination of a good performance and millions of roubles, it could be St Petersburg 2017, Tovarich. Wonder if he’ll have a proper haircut before the event? Colgate and whitening, it’s getting exciting. 13/8 – 2/1 (steady). ****
Czech Republic – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand
Following the Czech Republic’s return to the Eurovision fold last year with a little cracker of a song, they’re keeping up the pressure with a solid and charming ballad from the lovely Gabriela Gunčíková. Nice video; amazing what you can achieve with some Astroturf and raiding the Garden of Remembrance on a busy day. Surely this must be the country’s first qualifier to the Final. However, being wedged between Russia and Cyprus isn’t going to do it any favours. 28/1 – 40/1 (steady). ****
Cyprus – Minus One – Alter Ego
Another personal favourite. You can tell these guys are hard because they’re playing their electric guitars under pylons which must contravene Health and Safety even in Nicosia. With those capes, they’ve obviously escaped from a monastic order and brought the chief Abbot’s husky along for the ride. It’s a winning combination of genuinely raw guitar work that cunningly disguises a nice piece of Thomas G:son schlager. Once that tune gets stuck in your head, it doesn’t leave without a fight. Saw them at the London Party – they’re like this in real life too. 33/1 – 100/1 (drifting slightly). ****
Austria – Zoe – Loin d’ici
The fourth in a sequence of strong songs is this delightful ditty from Austria, sung in French by an Austrian singer with Austrian parents but who was educated at the French lycée in Vienna; for no good reason apart from sheer contrariness as far as I can make out. Loin d’ici is retro, but it’s real quality retro, as Zoe channels her inner Catherine Ferry and sings of a land far from here where, searching for Paradise, they all sing. Awww. A nifty arrangement and her gamine appearance all contribute to three minutes of 1970s delight. As contemporary as a Prawn Cocktail but much more satisfying. It’s got me hooked. Of all the songs performed at the London Eurovision Party, this one went down best. Zoe was moved to tears. Her wonderful apology to the audience: “Don’t make me cry, it’s just a song for Europe.” 66/1 – 150/1 (steady). *****
Estonia – Juri Pootsman – Play
Young Juri has those typical Estonian broody looks and an expression that says if I have nothing to say I just won’t say anything. The song too has an internal brake in there somewhere that stops it from soaring. It’s a good, thoughtful lyric but with a rather reserved melody and a surprisingly dated overall sound. Is if me, or is ELO’s Mr Blue Sky trying to burst out of the chorus somewhere? On reflection – a bit boring. 100/1 – 200/1 (steady). **
Azerbaijan – Samra – Miracle
There are two types of Azeri Eurovision entry: those that grab you by the whatnots and entertain the hell out of you, and those that sink into the blandness of high production values and no substance. Sadly, Miracle falls into the latter category, with a totally forgettable verse and slightly less forgettable chorus, but it really is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. 33/1 – 80/1 (steady). *
Montenegro – Highway – The Real Thing
For those 1% of Eurovision fans who like a bit of heavy metal or hard rock, there are two offerings this year. In Montenegro’s The Real Thing, frankly the lyrics aren’t going to win any awards, but the guitar riff that recurs with regularity throughout the song has a pretty powerful effect. Sadly, the vocals for the chorus come across as unnecessarily Neanderthal on the recording. But I like it more than I ought, and at the London Eurovision Party they completely nailed it. 200/1 – 500/1 (drifting). ***
Iceland – Greta Salome – Hear Them Calling
It’s the return of Greta Salome, on her own this time and with a song that I think I prefer to Never Forget. In the video, today Matthew, she’s going to be Loreen, all dark wind machine and pelvic exercises, so I hope she finds her own identity for the performance on the night. The verse has barely finished before the breathlessly upbeat chorus kicks in, with some weird and wonderful instrumentation that keeps you engaged throughout. We saw her at the London Eurovision Party and she certainly has a charming cheek about her. It’s not the best thing since sliced bread but it definitely deserves to qualify from this selection. 66/1 – 100/1 (drifting significantly). ****
Bosnia & Herzegovina – Dalal and Deen – Ljubav Je
Another return offender, this time Deen, who, twelve years on is no longer In The Disco, more on the balcony of some Art Nouveau cinema that’s to be redeveloped as a shopping centre. Definitely a game of two halves, with a rather alluring Balkan ballad enhanced by the lovely cello of Ana Rucner, only to be spoilt by a haranguing rap from Jala. As a clash of cultures it’s a brave attempt; it fails, but it only just fails. By trying to appeal to both young and old it will probably alienate both. The staging will be mightily important. 100/1 – 400/1 (steady). ***
Malta – Ira Losco – Walk on Water
The original winner of this year’s Maltese Eurosong, Chameleon, successfully changed its appearance (as they do) and now looks like Walk On Water, and, if Ira Losco can achieve that, it’ll be more than a seventh wonder. (Did you see what I did there?) It starts promisingly and implies deep water ahead, but when we get to the chorus, Ira’s paddling in a shallow pond. Disappointing. 14/1 – 20/1 (steady). **
So that’s the sum of the parts for Semi Final One. Eight songs won’t qualify and I’m going to suggest they will be: Finland, Greece, Montenegro, Czech Republic, San Marino, Moldova, Hungary and Estonia. Semi Final One is on BBC4 on Tuesday 10th May at 8pm. The UK can’t vote in that semi-final, so just watch for fun! And I’ll be back shortly with a preview of Semi Final Two. Bis später!
It’s hard to believe but it has been six years* since the UK had a Proper National Final where the public could choose both the song and the performer that would represent the country at the Eurovision Song Contest. How well I remember the excitement of six years ago. I even wrote a blog post in amazement that the one and only Pete Waterman – oodathortit – would be in charge of our entry that year. I implored him to write a great song, to be fully involved in the process, to make us all proud. Sigh. Compare that with what actually happened. It was a rubbish song, he’d never seen a Eurovision stage since the 1980s and his support to our winning act was – let’s be charitable – invisible. To be fair, we had some excellent performers to choose from. Josh Dubovie is terrific at the Michael Buble style of music. Alexis Gerred has carved out a very successful career in musical theatre. Esma – well, having forgotten her words during the show, she’s done well to apply herself at the London School of Economics and go on to do Good Things. Josh won that contest with a song that was completely unsuited to his style; he went to Oslo with a dog’s dinner of a staging, was hung out to dry and came a stonking good last.
Since then we’ve been down the road of internal selections. Blue was a good bet, and had a good song, but the vocals and the staging again let them down at the big show. Engelbert was a risky strategy, being completely the wrong kind of singer (and age); if his song had appeared anywhere other than first or second in the running order it may have got a few votes simply by being an antidote to the more regular Eurovision fayre. As it was, it was sung first and therefore was the antidote to nothing, and was bizarrely saved from last place by the much better Tooji from Norway. Bonnie was the same risky strategy; she also made a mess of the jury final and came 23rd, with a lot of help from a sympathetic Irish vote. In 2014 Molly was a step in the right direction but she made poor eye contact with the audience, and gave a thoroughly introverted performance, fully deserving of its 17th place. Last year Electro Velvet gave us a 1920s song but with a 1990s presentation – two excellent performers but just very wrong for contemporary Eurovision.
And so we reach 2016, and a proper contest in a proper venue, with six songs and performers, the majority of whom sounded perfectly contemporary to me (although what do I know) and none of them were sufficiently gimmicky to make us quake with fear when it comes to May. It was a school day, so Mrs Chrisparkle was conducting high level business meetings until 4pm and didn’t get into London until 6pm, but HRH the Crown Prince of Bedford and I had arrived earlier for a spot of lunch and the pre-show OGAE UK party hosted in the elegant surroundings of the upstairs bar at a Kentish Town Road pub. It was appropriate that OGAE should host a pre- and post- party, as for the first time Official Fan Club members had been invited to assist in selecting a song from the public submissions. Everybody involved in it was sworn to secrecy. I could tell you if I was one of the people who took part in the selection – but then I would have to kill you. And that would be an awful waste of a decent life. An early highlight of the afternoon was meeting Radio 2 and Eurovision announcing legend Mr Colin Berry, who’s every bit as avuncular and charming as you would imagine. I was also quizzed for my opinion on the National Final in an interview for Radio International, where I play a small but beautifully formed part every few weeks.
After quaffing a reasonable number of alcohol units, we all walked up the road to the venue. I’d not been to the O2 Forum before – it’s a converted art deco cinema dating from 1934 and a pretty useful place to hold an event like this. We arrived shortly before 7, met up with loads of other friends, found a convenient place to stand – near the back but against a railing so we had a) a raised view above heads and b) somewhere to loll. Our host for the evening was Mel Giedroyc, a genuine Eurovision fan it seems to me; not only one of our new BBC commentators for the semi-finals but also fondly remembered for her hilarious Boyka in Eurobeat that we saw three times in 2009 (I think). Eurobeat is coming back this summer to the Edinburgh Fringe – Mrs C and I are already champing at the bit.
Unlike many other countries who involve a jury as well, the UK winner was chosen purely by televote. We had an expert panel, but they were there only to give their comments and maybe guide the viewers in what they thought was the right direction. Frankly, there wasn’t a lot of time for in-depth commenting. Vocal coach Carrie Grant was perhaps the most outspoken of the three but I must say I thought some of her comments were downright weird. Choreographer Jay Revell is obviously no relation to choreographer Craig Revel Horwood, as he was the permanent nice guy of the panel, seeing the best in each entry and generally being encouraging. 1997 Eurovision winner Katrina (of the Waves) had a dodgy microphone and a tendency to shout her responses with the result that I barely heard a word she said.
We started the evening off with a reprise performance by last year’s winner Måns Zelmerlöw (one of the most intimidating names to type on a UK keyboard). What an entertainer that man (or should that be mån) is. Heroes remains as fresh as a daisy, and the inventive chalkguy video that runs behind him still warms the cockles of your heart. Mel interviewed Måns afterwards with ill-concealed lust. I was waiting for the Crown Prince to tell the story of how he and Måns shared a hug last year. I resolved to combat that with my story about how Elizabeth Andreassen of Bobbysocks and I flirted outrageously when we met a few years ago. One-all.
The first act was Canterbury busking duo Dulcima. He’s called Tomas, she’s called Dulcima, and they’re called Dulcima. Someone should tell Tomas to get new marketing staff. Their song is the irrepressibly infectious, thigh-slapping hoe-down tune When You Go. This is Mrs C’s favourite of the six, and I can see why. Very catchy, the kind of song that brings a smile to your face when you hear it. In the hall it sounded great. When we got home and watched the recorded programme we were amazed at how poor Dulcima’s vocals were. Weak as a parvo-puppy, I’m afraid. Carrie Grant said that she thought with their costuming and appearance she was expecting something darker. Darker? Dulcima herself looks like the hippiest folk chick out there. She’s pure Woodstock from head to toe (the festival, not the Snoopy character). She’s about as dark as Tiny Tim singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
The second act was ex Bad Boys Inc singer Matthew James with A Better Man. When the songs were first unveiled on Ken Bruce’s radio show I thought it sounded really contemporary (that word again) and I thoroughly enjoyed it. However, it looks like I was just about the only one as it was the rank outsider at 40-1 (not very promising in a field of six). I thought he gave it a very good performance but you could tell it just wasn’t capturing anyone’s imagination. We were standing near his family all wearing their Vote Matthew t-shirts and no matter how much they whooped, they were never going to affect the result. Come the end of the evening they were a picture of misery, poor things.
Next came Until Tomorrow by Darline. Another country sounding song, performed by two pretty girls, Abby and Càra. Country doesn’t normally do that well in Eurovision, although pretty girls do. These were a very popular combo, but I confess I don’t like the timbre of the warble of the blonde girl. Carrie Grant criticised them for not being together enough – not a duo, more like two side-by-side soloists, and I think she was spot on. It’s not, as I thought, Darline, rhymes with Margarine, but Darline, rhymes with Northern Line. What kind of a silly name is that? Very popular in the hall and I know much enjoyed by the fans. But it wasn’t to be.
The fourth act was Karl William Lund, with Miracle. This was the entry that had been chosen by the OGAE members as their contribution to the sextet of songs. Now here’s a Marmite song if ever there was one. To many it was the obvious winner, to others it was totally dire. For me it fell between the two. I was chatting to a friend at the bar and we both agreed that it has the elements of being a great song, but it just needs a little more development. Certainly the presentation was very static and the arrangement could have done with oomphing up. However, three days on, it is the chorus of Miracle that is persistently, irritatingly, infuriatingly, and constantly re-emerging in my musical brain. There it goes again. Stop it, Karl William, you’re getting on my nerves!
The fifth act was the rather classy Bianca (no relation to Electro Velvet’s Bianca) with Shine a Little Light. Again this was popular with many of the fans, particularly the ones who like the strong female power ballad. That style isn’t entirely to my taste all the time, and whilst I thought she gave a very fine performance I just find the song a little… generic balladish to make me sit up and listen.
Last up were Joe and Jake, both alumni from The Voice, a programme that I always think I am going to enjoy but then turns out to be a complete anti-climax once the audition stage is over. Their song, You’re not Alone, is very nearly as catchy as Miracle and When You Go but performed with real commitment and joy. Of the six I concluded this was probably our best potential entry, performed by a couple of cheery lads who actually sing pretty well and have a good stage presence together. And it appears that the rest of the Great British Public agreed with me, as this will indeed be the UK’s entry for Stockholm in May 2016. You’re Not Alone, We’re in this Together – could be David Cameron and George Osborne’s next release.
After a rousing rendition of Katrina’s Love Shine a Light (always a favourite), some memories of the Eurovision’s Greatest Hits show from last year and a tribute to the late Sir Terry Wogan, the result was announced by giving us just the name of the winner – no agonising “and in sixth place…..” Joe and Jake were well chuffed, the other five acts magnanimous in defeat, and the rest of us headed back to the pub to continue the post-show analysis and socialising. Just drinking really.
Good things about the night – the introductory films before each song were insightful and considered the lyrics and why the singer found them special, which I thought was a neat trick of introducing both the song and the singer in a meaningful and factual way. The fact that it was on BBC4 meant that it was under the auspices of BBC Music instead of BBC Light Entertainment and it felt like a much more credible programme. Its viewership of 678,900 may not sound many, but the average for that slot is a paltry 167,000, so it’s an improvement of something around 300%. Mel Giedroyc was an excellent host, managing the live aspect with humour and confidence, so that when things (inevitably) went wrong, she didn’t go to pieces. Among the less good things – the sound in the arena was very bassy and quite uncomfortable to listen to; I’m not sure the panel added that much to the experience; and the O2 Forum charges £3 per item for their cloakroom. You’ve never seen so many guys keep their coats on all night.
Best of luck to Joe and Jake – I don’t think it’s a winner but I don’t think it’s going to shame us either. All will be decided on 14th May. However, before that, we’ve got the London Eurovision Preview Party to look forward to on 17th April, where we can listen to several of this year’s acts and see how well they measure up. Happy Eurovisioning!
*It has been pointed out that in 2010 the UK public only got to choose the singer, not the song. The last time we chose both was in 2008. Dang! My mistake. Oh well.
If the picture looks rubbish, that’s because I took it. If it looks professional and smart then it was taken by DizzyDJC on Flickr.
The third of our one-man shows this evening, but I’m expecting this to be a little more free-form. It’s Follow The Faun at the Spotlites Studio theatre, show starting at 21:40. “Think the pied piper… on acid… in heels… A multi-dimensional light-being on a mission of love and pleasure – would like to take you higher than the mortal man can measure. On a seething, soaring, flying, flipping, magic road ahead: He’ll take you on a journey if you’re happy to be led. Fusing mythical storytelling, immersive theatre and ecstatic dance. Follow The Faun on a shamagical journey to another dimension! Guaranteed to move your body, blow your mind, open your heart and tickle your fancy! ‘Ludicrous, giddy and strangely intoxicating’ (Matt Trueman, WhatsOnStage.com).”
“Warnings: The production involves movement and audience participation”. I reckon this is going to be a hippytastic communing-in with Mother Earth which will either be simply extraordinary or fall flat on its face. Let’s hope it’s the former. My guess is that its success could well rely on how well or otherwise the audience play along and let their inhibitions go. I can be (reasonably) uninhibited in the theatre, so I’ll give it my best shot! I don’t know to what extent it’s scripted, but I’m fascinated to find out.
I’ve also discovered this description online: “Each 45-minute performance integrates the spiritual, visceral, theatrical and comical and includes high energy disco, musical theatre ballads, and rousing anthems for a Love Revolution. The audience become the cast as they are taken on an interactive magical dance adventure with The Faun as their guide, narrator and choreographer. Each will experience a joy ride of emotions as they dance their way through a fairytale kingdom of delights. This is choral theatre, meets dance workshop, meets shamanic journey, meets stand-up comedy.” Doesn’t that sound too good to miss?
The Faun himself seems to be the creation of actor/dancer Andy Black, so I’m slightly disappointed to discover he’s not a real faun. But I’m willing to suspend disbelief! Check back sometime after 10.30pm to see if Mrs Chrisparkle and I have been whisked off to pixieland. And the preview blog for our last show tonight should be up and running by then too.
Update:
That is the sweatiest I’ve ever come out of a show! Part work-out part mystical experience, everything you’d expect from a night on LSD but much healthier! Great fun.
So we have fifty minutes between the end of Belfast Boy and the start of Thief – the 20:00 show tonight Saturday 15th August at the Sweet International 2 Venue on Grassmarket. This is what the official blurb says: “Winner: Brighton Fringe Best Theatrical Performance award 2014. Sailor thrives in the bars, dives and doss-houses of the most squalid ports. Look, you will see him. Sailor lives for robbery, imprisonment and expulsion. Be his victim. Sailor’s virtues are simple: rent, theft, and betrayal. Join him. ‘Great drama has the power to inform, move and make shifts in consciousness. Thief has all this.’ ***** (Sarah Agnew, Brighton Argus). ‘Sensational. Ferocious. Acted with great intensity. A memorable hour of theatre.’ (Joyce McMillan, Scotsman). ‘Tantalisingly layered, cloaked in the dreamy mingling of pain, sex and desire.’ (BroadwayBaby.com).”
What seems most curious about this production is that I understand it’s another one-man play but there are three actors who each take on the role of the sailor. Do they job-share? Do they draw lots as to who will perform on any particular day? Do they take turns? And are you meant to return on a different night to see it performed by a different actor to appreciate the differences in performance? Hard to do that unless you know who is going to perform in advance – so it could be either Matt Robertson, Jack Elliot or Stephen Humpage. Further research reveals that it should have been Stephen Humpage tonight but that he has sustained some head injury (hope he’s ok!) and that it will in fact be Jack Elliot playing the role tonight.
Another show that was a great hit last year (and that we didn’t see then), it’s written by Liam Rudden who is, inter alia, Entertainment Editor at the Edinburgh Evening News, so he ought to know a thing or two about what makes a good play. Inspired by the life of Jean Genet, and having read the reviews of last year’s production, I’m expecting this play to be fairly brutal and shocking; but also to give plenty of opportunities for the actor to take it by the scruff of the neck and make something really memorable out of it. Come back shortly after 9pm to see what I made of it, and by then the next preview blog should be online.
Update:
Wow that was strong. A really bold and passionate performance that laid the character bare and challenged you to side with or against him. A poetic piece too, a testament to survival. Harrowing at times and often uncomfortable but really really good.
This time last year, gentle reader, we discovered the pure joy of the Edinburgh Fringe. I have no idea why it took us so long to discover it. It was a long weekender – 20 shows in 70 hours – and we nearly saw them all. It was absolutely brilliant and now we’re hooked. To prove it, this year we’re back for a full week.
With so many shows to write about, it’s an impossible task to write a full blog post about each one. It just ain’t gonna happen. So I propose to do the same as last year – prepare in advance a preview-type blog for each show, with what I’m hoping and/or expecting from each show, and then add my instant reactions in the few minutes I have afterwards, between shows. It’s a big task, but I’m going to try my hardest! Each blog will be up about an hour or two before each show, so please keep checking back to see what we’re up to.
So our first show is Belfast Boy, at the Spotlites Main Theatre, at 18:10 on Saturday 15th. Here’s the official promotional blurb: “Martin Hall is having trouble sleeping. Since fleeing from Belfast, his brothers have fallen in and out with the law, his mother has had her heart broken, and he’s struggled with his sexuality. Now he must relive it with a psychologist over one unforgettable hour. Purple Penguin Productions return with their sell-out show to the Edinburgh Fringe from their acclaimed tour of Northern Ireland, London and Finland. Critically acclaimed and winner of both the FringeReview.co.uk Award for Outstanding Theatre, and the Stage Award For Acting Excellence, Belfast Boy is a powerful piece of storytelling based on true events.”
Sounds pretty good. It’s a one-man show, performed last year by Declan Perring, whose photo you see here, but I understand this year it is performed by Greg Fossard. It received loads of five star ratings in 2014 so I’ve got high expectations! I’m expecting a well-written, thoughtful and insightful piece, and I’m hoping for a lively and engaging performance. With any luck this will be one of those shows you come out of as a different person from the one you went in as, if you follow my clumsy grammar. Check back after 7.30pm to see how it went, and by then the next preview blog should be available to read too.
And if you’re up in Edinburgh, have a brilliant Fringe!
Very hard hitting and beautiful piece of writing, and a very sad story of a young man’s life struggling with all sorts of abuse. Very well performed, but there was something about it that didn’t *quite* move me. But It was extremely good, no doubt about that!