And now our first taste of Edinburgh Fringe dance/physical theatre. I booked for us to see Bromance because I thought it sounded funny but primarily I was absolutely mesmerised by the promotional photo of the three guys from Barely Methodical, the company staging the show. From the description: “Frenetic but friendly. Captivating but casual. Audacious but awkward. Barely Methodical Troupe, winners of the UK’s first circus competition Circus Maximus, fuse their inner frats with a dazzling tour-de-force of cutting edge circus prowess and physical theatre mayhem. Join one of the UK’s hottest new circus ensembles as they walk the line between the pugnacious and the poignant in this hilarious, bitter-sweet and down-right jaw-dropping celebration of everything blokey – where handshakes become handstands, and back-slaps become back-flips”. I’m expecting a dazzling display of dance/circus skills and hoping for a really entertaining blend of choreography and story-telling. The place – Underbelly, Bristo Square; the time – 16:55. I’ll aim to give you feedback shortly after 6pm, and the preview for the next show will follow shortly after.
That was good fun! A combination of comedy, acrobatics and origami (well it played a small part). Not to undervalue it, we both thought it would be great on a European cruise ship – those Italians and Spanish would love it. If you’re going to see this, can I suggest that if you can’t sit in the front row, go quite a long way back to get good height. We didn’t get quite enough height and so missed some of their low level trickery. If you love a bit if circus and tumbling, you’ll love this!
Our second time of seeing West End Eurovision – our first one, in 2011 was a complete hoot. Unfortunately it’s always held on a Thursday night and there’s work the next day unless you plan very carefully. So that’s what we did this year. It’s being called “The Final Battle”, with a very sad threat of there being no more in the future – I guess they must be very arduous to organise. I’m always amazed at the keenness and competitiveness behind it all. “Battle” is indeed a suitable word.
It’s all done to support the Make a Difference Trust, who do great work to support people living with HIV and AIDS. The event involves the casts of many West End shows, all coming together to perform a Eurovision song, which gets voted on by the star jury, their peers from the other shows, and us, the rabble in the audience. Before the night, they’ve already filmed their idents – little introductory movies for each performance – which you can still see on youtube. Vote for your favourite and the MAD Trust receive £1. I voted for my favourite five (Mr Generous). After you’ve seen the performances, you are then invited to turn on your mobile phones (really? Did anyone actually turn theirs off?) and vote for your favourite performance. Apparently the whole thing raised £66,000 this year for the charity, which is not bad going.
We paid extra for the VIP seats, primarily because we wanted a good view of the show, and of course we were happy to donate more to support the very good works of MAD Trust, but also in the hope of doing some star-spotting. More on that later. But with our bronze coloured VIP wristbands gleaming, we made our way up the stairs to the Studio at the Dominion, where the Drinks Reception was to take place. And a very jolly affair it was too. There was a brief address by chairman David Pendlebury, where he welcomed us all, introduced us to the jury members (of whom only Rylan Clark was actually there, resplendent in his Conchita Wurst outfit), told us all to have a great night and suggested that it might – just might – not be the last of these events. Yes, you heard it here first. (Unless you were there too.) We kept on bumping into David Pendlebury during the course of the evening and he seems a jolly nice chap.
Fuelled with a second plastic mug of cava, we made our way to our seats – and they were pretty magnificent. Middle of row G, on the central aisle, fantastic views. I knew that some of our Eurovision friends were also going to be there, so we scouted around and found them for some pre-show hugs and quips. Back in our seats, awaiting the slightly-later-than 11.30pm start (there was no way all those people were going to make their way from the bars to their seats by 11.30), Mrs Chrisparkle was overawed with the incredible vibe in the place. It felt so exciting. The atmosphere was electric.
Our host was the superb Richard Gauntlett. I don’t think I’ve seen him before, but he was excellent at keeping everything fast moving and really funny. Our competitors (over 230 of them apparently), he said, were all backstage more nervous than Max Clifford looking for the soap. The resident cast of We Will Rock You came on for the opening number of the night, “The Show Must Go On”. Ironic, said Mr Gauntlett, considering it’s closing on Saturday week. I’ve never had the remotest interest in seeing We Will Rock You – but I have to say, it was a pretty stunning start to the show.
He then introduced us to the judges, Rylan Clark, Lesley Joseph, Caroline Quentin and Graham Norton. They all sat in the box to the left, like the Muppets’ Statler and Waldorf going on a double date. They were very enthusiastic all night, and came up with some wonderful lines. Culture snob that I am, I really expected not to like Rylan, who I’d never seen before; but I must be honest, I thought he came across as a really likeable funny guy.
Onto the contest proper, with the first of nine entries – the cast of Once performing Bucks Fizz’ Making Your Mind Up. It started off as a typical spoof of the group, dressed in the same colours, ripping off the skirts, but then went AWOL as a troupe of leprechauns joined in, fiddles and Irish dance routines blazing. Michael Flatley would turn in his grave. Very entertaining, with nice musical interludes from Riverdance and We Will Rock You.
Next up was cast of The Book of Mormon performing Teach-In’s Ding-a-Dong, the 1975 winner for the Netherlands. The perfect choice in many ways, given the Mormons’ predilection for doorbelling activities. Their ident, as The Real Housewives of Uganda, was brilliant, and their live performance carried on with the same characterisation. Flinging babies (not real ones) about as props, they did a lovely version of the song, first accompanied by some dancing missionaries, then by tribal dancers – it was like 1976 and Ipi Tombi all over again. Of course, being from the Book of Mormon, this was never going to be devoid of foul language and dubious taste – and in the end the Real Housewives of Uganda removed their traditional costumes to reveal their late night Kampala nightspot little black dresses. Really funny – the audience loved it.
Our third act was The Commitments cast performing Rock ‘n’ Roll Kids, Ireland’s winning entry from 1994. Graham Norton showed himself up by confessing he’d never heard it or of it. Back to Fan Camp for you sir. Unfortunately there was a false start with this one, as the microphones on stage failed. It would have been great if it had been Bandido (Spain 1990 – if you know the song, you’ll get the reference). It started with some evocative shadow dancing, but then got infiltrated by characters from other shows to great comic effect. A Mormon elder, a Mamma Mia Abba-type, Jean Valjean, Billy Elliot and the Phantom (probably more) all ended up singing together. By about this stage you realised that the standard of entries was extremely high.
After a short appearance by Harriet Thorpe, telling us more about the good work of the Trust, it was back to the show and, probably my favourite of the evening, the cast of Les Miserables performing Flying The Flag, Scooch’s Magnum Opus for the United Kingdom from 2007. It started with a lone barricader plaintively emoting about flying the flag – of course, it’s the French flag (they are Les Mis after all), which was followed by an invasion of BA type air crew doing all the usual moves with even a message from Captain Cameron Mackintosh on the video wall. The inventive use of the French flag throughout made it unquestionably Les Mis, but alongside this archetypal British comedy song, it made a terrific combination.
The cast of the Phantom of the Opera took to the stage to perform Congratulations – and after the high energy of all the previous entries, this one had a slightly less showbizzy feel to it, although they also chucked in elements of Riverdance and there was also a massive Rubik’s cube on stage for some reason. Congratulations though was an appropriate choice to celebrate performer Philip Griffiths’ record as the longest running performer on the West End stage – 34 consecutive years I believe. Then we had the cast of The Bodyguard performing Disco Tango in the original Danish, Tommy Seebach’s magic little ditty from 1979. Quirky, comic and somewhat surreal, it’s not often you get to hear Beverley Knight singing in Viking. Maybe because it wasn’t in English there wasn’t quite the opportunity to represent the lyrics in the performance, but still it was very enjoyable.
After the interval, where Mrs C and I met more Eurovision friends and decided to stick with sparkling water to help our overall health, we returned to see the cast of Wicked perform Jan Jan, Armenia’s 2009 contribution. Never one of my favourite songs, but this looked beautiful, with atmospheric lighting and glistening blue overcoats giving way to spangly white outfits. This led on to a frankly bonkers Marry Me (Finland 2013) from the cast of Billy Elliot; great choice of song, lots of humour, a disassociation of costumes, all frantic and frenetic. I think the jury were a bit puzzled by that one. The last entry of the night was the cast of Mamma Mia performing Waterloo – which sounds a bit unadventurous, considering Waterloo is the finale number in their show – but was actually hysterical. Like the Commitments entry it featured characters from other West End shows breaking in on the act. So, to accompany four Abba lookalikes, you had the Jersey Boys performing their version of the song, Miss Saigon’s helicopter, Ugandan villagers, Rachel from The Bodyguard and even a cavorting naked man from the chorus of Hair.
I can’t quite recall the running order but it was about now that director Andrew Keates took to the stage, to give a very brave and honest speech about directing the play “As Is”, which concerns living with HIV, and how he hoped the play might encourage some people to get tested for the condition and if they are positive, to get the necessary treatment. The honesty was that he himself had not been tested, but took his own advice and discovered that he too was HIV positive. So it was a very personal plea for everyone to look after their own health by getting tested and seeking the medical help if they need it. Unfortunately he was interrupted by the most inappropriate heckle of the year, on a completely unrelated issue, which had us cringing in our seats. Even if they had a genuine grievance, there’s a time and a place – and that wasn’t it. But it didn’t dent the emotion and starkness of Mr Keates’ message.
After Beverley Knight drew the raffle (I lost again), it was time for our Eurovision guest act, Sonia, who proved she can still belt out a good hit. Not only did she perform her second placed 1993 entry, Better The Devil You Know, she also sang You’ll Never Stop Me From Wanting You. This moved us on to the voting, which was pretty tight, with the Book of Mormon in 3rd place and a tie for the top between Mamma Mia and Les Miserables. Apparently they don’t do Countback to identify an ultimate winner, so it’s not like real Eurovision. The performers from the winning shows all came back on stage and it was clear that they regarded their achievement with huge pride – and so they should.
It was a good 2.30am when it was all over. But of course, it wasn’t, as there was still the post-show party to be enjoyed. When we went in 2011, the party was held at a distant bar, some fifteen minutes trudging through the streets of Soho trying to find the place, and no one was quite sure where it was. Then we had to queue for entry, whilst celebs walked on through, which kind of rankled As I Had Paid For My Entry In Advance With My Ticket Price. Still, there were quite a lot of interesting people to gawp at and eavesdrop on – Sheridan Smith, Denise Welch, Denise van Outen, for example.
This time, we had been told in advance that the party would also be held at the Dominion – we should make our way out of the theatre then back to the front where we would find the way in. There only seemed one way back in – through the theatre foyer, where heavies at the door were inspecting our wristbands. Ours were bronze, but everyone else’s appeared to be red. I also noted that the stairs to the Studio, where we had gone for the reception earlier, were now roped off. I thought no more of it, and we spent the next hour or so happily wandering around the foyers watching all these beautiful young people (cast members and their friends I guess) getting rat-arsed, and posing with the winning trophy. I did wonder though, where the other people were. Where was Graham Norton? And Caroline Quentin? I’d seen Aljaz and Janette from Strictly Come Dancing at the Drinks Reception, but they weren’t anywhere to be seen, until I noticed them emerging down some stairs and leaving at about 3.15am. The next day I saw a happy picture online of Graham Norton and Harriet Thorpe sharing champagne, and that’s when I realised that there are VIP parties and VIP parties, and that some VIPs are vipper than others!
I really hope this isn’t the last of the West End Eurovisions, as it’s a splendid tradition, everyone has a great time and it raises a lot of money for a very important cause. Now – the question is, shall we book to see West End Bares? Not been before and, let’s face it, it sounds fun!
Hello again, gentle reader. Well normally, I don’t write a post-final blog, because usually it’s all wrapped up and done and dusted by now. The excitement withers on the vine, people go back to work, summer holidays are considered and life goes back to normal. Raking over the coals at this stage normally feels a bit redundant to me. But this year – no. Conchita Wurst’s victory for Austria was – for me at least – so unexpected because of perceived eastern European prejudices. So this needs a bit more consideration. This was also a year where a lot of the general rules about Eurovision were proved right. I’m going to work my way up the table and see where it takes us.
France – last place. We spent the Eurovision weekend at a Mansion party in North Wales with seventeen other like-minded people, and one of our activities was to draw a country at random, then go into Ladbrokes in Llangollen and put a £2 bet on it – any bet we wished. Whilst she was there Mrs Chrisparkle decided to go off-piste and put a fiver on any country getting nul points. 5-1 odds; not bad. So as Saturday night’s contest was proceeding and fewer and fewer countries were left with nul points, France was looking like her only hope for cash beyond the dreams of avarice. Cruelly she was dealt a blow when Finland gave them a point, and then later on Sweden did too. Two measly points. I’ve been an advocate of the French song for months now. I didn’t like it at all on first hearing, and Twin Twin’s performance when it was chosen in the National Final was a bit merde. But I loved the video and still think the lyrics are really clever. Have a read if you’ve haven’t already. But on the night it was very messy, very manic, very rushed and really amateur. It came over as a thoroughly joke entry – and although Eurovision is known by many for its joke entries, they rarely do well. So Rule 1 proved – joke entries never win.
Slovenia – 25th, a pretty harsh result for a pretty good tune. Eight of their nine points came from Montenegro, the ninth coming from Macedonia, so if it hadn’t been for neighbourly voting, they would have been bottom of the heap. San Marino – 24th, Valentina might have hoped for better than that, and she certainly did herself proud with her performances. In a long show, people get a bit tired by the end, so performing in 25th place probably didn’t do her any favours. Malta – 23rd, very unexpectedly low result for a much-fancied song. The UK awarded Malta ten points, it being the UK jury’s favourite entry, but the UK always has a bit of a bromance with Malta. It obviously didn’t do much for the rest of the continent. Azerbaijan – 22nd, far and away Azerbaijan’s worst ever result, their previous worst being 8th in 2008. 22 of their 33 points came from a top placing by San Marino and a dix points from Russia. For what it’s worth, this is the first time the UK have finished higher than Azerbaijan. But then, it was a jazz tune, like “Heute in Jerusalem” or “die Welt dreht sich verkehrt”, and who remembers them? Rule 2 proved – jazz entries never win.
Italy – 21st place; also with 33 points, and also receiving a douze points (from Malta, neighbourly voting) and a ten from Albania. Emma’s song unfortunately car-crashed; certainly everyone sitting near me at our party couldn’t believe how dreadful it was. Greece – 20th. Big shock as far as I was concerned, and one of Mrs C’s favourites too. It’s a great feel-good song – simple yes, and a bit repetitive, but enormous fun. However: Mistake No 1, the guys did not make good eye contact with the camera, so didn’t communicate with audience at home; Mistake No 2, they over-gimmicked it with the trampoline, which resulted in Mistake No 3, choreography has to be slick, not wobbly. But above all, it proved Rule 3 – rap entries never win.
Montenegro – 19th, surprisingly low for a song that puts one in mind of Lane Moje (even though it’s nowhere near as good). With more Balkan countries participating this would probably have climbed at least another six or seven places; as it is, only four countries voted for Montenegro, all of them from the south east corner of the continent. 24 of their 37 points came from two douze-points, from Armenia and Macedonia. Sergej’s voice was stunning but when we saw him perform in London we were amazed how dull he was on stage, and I think that may have affected his votes on Saturday, and proved Rule 4 – singers with no charisma never win.
Germany – 18th, a better result than I thought the song deserved. United Kingdom – 17th, a disappointing result for Molly. Whilst I never really rated the song that highly, and also thought that Molly was something of an under-performer, I took comfort from the fact that she was a relatively safe pair of hands and wasn’t going to do a Gemini/Bonnie/Blue/etc with the vocals. She also suffered from being last up in the running order. By the time you get to this stage of the show you’ve already decided who you are going to vote for and you stop listening. Look at the surprise last place for Ireland last year. Molly proved Rule 5 – since televoting was introduced, the songs performed last never win.
Belarus – 16th, a mid-table-ish score for a mid-table-ish song, twelve points from Russia and no points from any country further west than Montenegro. Iceland – 15th, reasonable result for the colourful Icelandic guys, but the title, “No Prejudice”, like “No Dream Impossible” and “No One” proves Rule 6 – no song with “No” in the title ever wins.
Poland – 14th , No 1 with the UK televoters and No 25 with the UK jury. Talk about polarising Poles. More smutty than sexy. Switzerland – 13th, the first of this year’s songs that we can say ended on the left hand side of the scoreboard. I really warmed to this song and performance over the past few weeks. It received votes from both Ireland and Armenia, evidence that it had continent-wide appeal. Romania – 12th, for some reason, according to my scorecard, my favourite song of the night; not sure how that happened. Considerably less successful than when Paula and Ovi sang Playing with Fire, but then it’s a considerably worse song. Finland – 11th, second favourite with the UK jury; fair result for a fair song. Spain – 10th, highest placing for one of the big 5 countries; much lower than I was expecting but they only received one twelve points – from Albania. Their Portuguese friends, who could normally be relied on for support, didn’t score them at all. Denmark – 9th, so glad this didn’t get higher as those silly lyrics get my goat. That big flag unfurling to reveal the word “love” made my stomach turn. It also proved Rule 7 – no songs revealing a flag with a word on it ever win.
Norway – 8th; I know we were meant to gain some deep-seated satisfaction that a big manly chap can reveal his inner vulnerability by singing a tender song about mental anguish; but all our party could say to this was “oh purrrlease….” Russia – 7th. There are a number of people, myself not included, who think it is never justified to boo, as it is discourteous to the performer. Whilst I would only advocate booing a performer if they have done a really lousy performance – and I mean really really lousy – and you’ve paid a lot of money to witness it (yes it’s happened a couple of times), I see no reason not to take the opportunity, with 180 million people watching, to let the rest of the world know that you disapprove of their political regime. I don’t think any boos were reserved for the performance of the Tolmachevy Sisters, and that’s quite right. But yes, boo at the mention of the word Russia, why the hell not. It delightfully proved Rule 8 – no countries who have invaded another country within the last twelve months ever win.
Ukraine – 6th, getting a higher position than Russia with mildly rewarding one-upmanship. Paper-thin song rescued by sexy girl singer (if you fancy girls) and sexy boy hamster (if you fancy boys. Or hamsters.) Doubtless this benefited also from some sympathy votes. With 113 points this was the highest placing of any song not to receive any douze points. It may be pretty obvious, but it has to be said: it proves Rule 9 – no song featuring a hamster wheel ever wins.
Top Five: Hungary – 5th. Great song that came over so well on stage; its subject matter is challenging if you want to consider the lyrics, or rather elegantly danced through if you want to consider the stage show. For me Hungary is THE most consistently brilliant contributor to our beloved contest this decade. Given that Hungary have no “natural allies” in the ESC this was a superb result. Armenia – 4th, the big betting favourite still managed a good result despite ropey performances in both the semi and the final and offering us what is basically a dully repetitive song. Sweden – 3rd; fantastic performance from fan fave Sanna, did more than justice to what I still think is quite a tedious song. The Netherlands – 2nd; their best result since Ding-a-dong, 39 years ago. No one noticed this song until its semi when suddenly I-Tunes went red hot over Europe with Common Linnet downloads. If they’d sung the first verse more in tune on Saturday night, maybe it was theirs for the taking. The duo was named after a Dutch songbird. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you. Rule 10 – no singer or performer named after a bird ever wins.
Which takes us to: Austria – 1st. An utterly extraordinary achievement on the part of Conchita Wurst. Whilst it was not my favourite song of the year (I find it a little dated) it’s certainly classy and anthemic. Nearly everyone has likened it to a Bond theme, and you could certainly imagine it on the silver screen with the iconic 007 credits. Visually it was a stunning light show, that really reflected the lyrics and the performer, and left a superb final impact. But it’s Fräulein Wurst to whom we have to pay most attention. I was amazed that she garnered so many votes from east of the Oder-Neisse line. With petitions from Russia, Belarus and Ukraine not to show her song lest it corrupt their youth, and stories of transmission blackouts when she was on, I really expected her support to collapse in the old eastern bloc. But the Russian televoters put her third, as did the Ukrainian jury, and the Belarussian public voted her in fourth place (despite the fact that the state-obedient jury members individually had her finishing no higher than 20th). We know that it’s governments who wage war, not people; maybe in the same way, it’s governments who peddle in prejudice, rather than their citizens. Certainly, the public in these countries did not shy away from voting for Austria – just as some westerners chose to boo Russia to show their disapproval of its regime, it appears that many Russians and their neighbours also chose to go against the party line. Whatever, the result was a complete slap in the face of prejudice, and a tacit approval of living life your way, because it’s your life.
I have to come clean here, as there’s no point my not being honest. When I first encountered the phenomenon that is Conchita Wurst two years ago, when she was seeking the Austrian ticket with the song “That’s What I Am”, I found her appearance simply too challenging. I’m not particularly forgiving if I perceive prejudice in others, and I always try to be as unprejudiced myself as possible. But Conchita just proved a beard too far for me. I could not reconcile that beautiful face and elegant, sexy, appearance, with ten days’ growth. It freaked me out – I could not look at her. It took a conversation with a friend who is also an ESC fan, when I admitted that I couldn’t accept her appearance, for him to point out the prejudice I was displaying.
“But her beard”, I stuttered, “it’s almost over-visible. It’s blacker and more striking than any other guy’s beard”. “And do you think that’s a coincidence?” he asked, “of course it’s striking. It’s the most deliberately striking-looking beard in the world.” The penny started to drop. “You mean he’s proving a point?” I responded lamely. “Now you’re getting it” he replied. And at that point I realised that Conchita’s appearance is not an awkward, distasteful combination of two very contrasting looks, but a deliberately assertive and positive visual statement that you can be what or who you want. I’ve discovered since then that Tom Neuwirth’s original attempts to get on a TV reality show were scuppered when he was told at the auditions that he had an amazing voice but that it was far too feminine for a man. So he came back the following year dressed as a glamorous woman, but with this splendid jet-black beard, as if to say, “here I am, the woman you want me to be, but inside I know I am a man, and here’s the proof”. And that’s a totally splendid position to take.
But back to this year’s result – and ignoring all the side issues, Conchita Wurst has been the only performer I think this year to have delivered consistently faultless vocals through all the rehearsals, the pre-show concerts, and on the main shows. When we saw her at the London Preview Party she had more charisma than almost all the other contestants put together. You cannot take your eyes off her when she is performing. I’m one of the few people I know who haven’t met her – you probably have – but by all accounts she’s one of the nicest blokes you could meet.
Now – I really can’t decide, next year whether we should go to Austria, Vienna presumably, to see the contest in the flesh, or stay in the UK. Not been to the contest in person since Birmingham in 1997, as we normally like to hold or attend parties. But it will be the 60th show, and I reckon that’s going to be something special. Advice welcomed!
Eurovision Semi Finals are like buses in remote rural villages, aren’t they? You don’t get any for a year, then you get one on a Tuesday and then another comes round on Thursday. With Lady Duncansby and her butler William still on manoeuvres on Exmoor, we had the honour of welcoming a royal guest for the second semi, as HRH the Crown Prince of Bedford was in attendance. As our splendid bottle of Corbières slowly got quaffed, and he watered down countless cans of Coke with generous additions of Jack Daniels, we took our task of deciding which ten of the fifteen songs would go forward to Saturday night’s final immensely seriously. And as usual, our judgement was sometimes weighed in the balance and found wanting.
Malta – One of Mrs Chrisparkle’s big favourites this year. At first I thought Michelle’s voice was going to drown out Richard’s but then it all fell nicely into place. Great performance, we all liked the way it built and then got dead anthemic. Slightly hopeful for my 100/1 each way bet for Saturday. We all put it through.
Israel – Another really strong performance of a song that I liked from the moment I heard it. I thought Mei toned down the scariness that I had seen from her previously, and there was a fantastic money moment when she strode out purposefully from the back of the stage. I gave it my top marks of the night. Again, general approval from all present, and we all sent her through to Saturday.
Norway – It’s taken a long time for this song to grow on me – albeit ever so slightly, and I enjoyed Carl’s emotional delivery. Mrs C almost nodded off though, and His Majesty was stifling his yawns. Collectively the three of us are too shallow for this kind of intensity; we prefer throwing shapes in a disco rather than an introverted study in gloom. In the end we all concluded that it just didn’t do it for us, and we sent Carl’s silent storm back on the first ferry to Tromso.
Georgia – Is there a polite way of saying “utter rubbish”? Actually that probably is the polite way. From that opening sub-yodelling, through Mariko’s manic yoga moves to the inanely jolly parachutist, three minutes to earth became three minutes of nightmare. I did laugh at the parachute though. He should have bailed out ages ago. The Crown Prince had to gather his jaw off the floor where it had dropped in bizarre amazement. It was a no from us.
Poland – How would Warsaw’s Christmas hit transfer to the stage from its video of boundless cleavage? By having a generously proportioned young lady getting progressively wetter as she plunged herself over a washboard, that’s how. Oh, was there a song going on as well? You’d never know, as it’s another one of those paper-thin offerings that are beholden to the Gimmicks Department. It didn’t do anything for Mrs C; and HRH was never going to be in that subset of viewers hanging onto that washerwoman’s every droplet. Big fat zero from us all.
Austria – The much awaited arrival of La Conchita brought a wave of happiness to our TV screen. We recognised her dress as being the one that Mrs C had dropped off at the Heart Foundation shop a couple of weeks ago – nice to see it being put to good use. As usual a note-perfect performance, that looked and sounded stunning. I still think the song’s a bit dated, but who cares? Three people in awe all sent it through to Saturday with their blessing.
Lithuania – This came over as very repetitive and something of a let-down. I was convinced Vilija’s dancer was my friend John from New Zealand, but apparently he was busy so sent a stand-in. I think the song’s tedious. HRH thought it wasn’t bad. The performance was ok. Mrs C spent most of the three minutes googling for pictures of kittens doing management consultancy. Ho Hum. Negatory, rubber ducky.
Finland – Well, the light show was fantastic, and it looked a-ma-zing on the telly. For me, the song’s got good bits and bad bits, but the bad just outweigh the good. Mrs C was impressed with the overall cuteness of the guys, and the Prince was texting the drummer for a date. It was the first song that we disagreed on, as I didn’t put it through but the others did. It was, however, my favourite of my non-qualifiers, if that makes a difference?
Ireland – “Oh great I love this one” said Mrs C as it started up. We all listened with intensity to fathom out what it was she liked so much. Then it all started to fade away. Still, if the others could lust over Finnish boys, I could find a certain warmth in Kasey’s bosom. It’s an enjoyable song, but, sadly, the performance wasn’t really a match for it. Over the course of the three minutes Mrs C definitely fell out of love with it, as she didn’t vote for it, whereas the Prince and I did.
Belarus – Cheesecake, or “Ode to a Dessert”. I take this for what it is, a fun song with an upbeat tune and a cheeky rhythm, and I thought Teo did a good job with it. I am advised that this is a big hit with the Crown Prince’s chef, back at the Bedford Palace. It’s bright, it’s sunny…what’s not to like? Nothing, apparently, as we all put it through.
Macedonia – (as it appears that only the EBU are using the FYR bit now) – I’ve always found this an “officially” fab song, but Tijana seemed to hold back to the detriment of the performance. And, frankly, if I may be so bold, the hoodie dancer looked like a bit of a w***er. Mrs C described it the whole thing as “indifferent” and you can’t get more damning than that. HRH was wavering, not for the first time. In the end only Mrs C and I put it through.
Switzerland – Here’s a song that it’s just physically impossible to dislike. As a group I thought Seb and his boys were a little static, but the uplifting jollity of the whole thing overrides that. Princey had a right royal bop to this. Mrs C admires the song’s naiveté and charm. She’s not wrong. It was Si, Si, Si from us.
Greece – Oh no! RiskyVocalist! What are you doing! I was so stunned at how he messed up the beginning that I let out an expletive, for which I issue a retrospective apology to anyone offended. Fortunately the infectiousness of the song quickly took over and we were all singing away, loving it. Or was that just me? Very lively performance, although I’m not entirely sure about the trampoline. It’s only going to give Jedward ideas. Thumbs up from all.
Slovenia – His Majesty noted a melodic similarity between this song and the Greeks’, and I think he may be on to something. I’ve always liked this song and think it out-Irishes the Irish entry. I wasn’t much struck on the look of the whole thing though – I didn’t like Tinkara’s Victorian dress much, not that I would fit in it anyway. I also thought the light show clashed with, rather than enhanced, the visual impact of the performance. I know, get me. I put forward these theories during Tinkara’s three minutes and got “whatever” looks from the others. We all put it through.
Romania – Mrs C observed that Paula always has a very laid back style of performance – it’s Ovi who has the get-up-and-go. Nevertheless, she’s probably the most established star in the whole contest, with a vocal range as far as Everest. I found myself carried away by the overall happiness of this song and performance, and liked it more than I was expecting. It’s just huge fun. Meanwhile His Majesty was last seen scouring the Argos catalogue for circular pianos. Da da da.
So, with us largely all agreeing on which songs we liked and which we didn’t, two of us got 7/10 and one of us (me, naturally!) got 6/10 – if only I’d fallen for the ravishing charms of the Finnish lads. That’s it from the Northampton jury for this year – however you spend your Eurovision night on Saturday, make it memorable for all the right reasons. It’s going to be a really exciting contest, I haven’t a clue who will win. Thanks for reading!
With Lady Duncansby and her butler William trekking through deepest north Devon, it was left to just Mrs Chrisparkle and I to crack open the white burgundy for the two hours’ journey into the unknown that is the first semi-final of this year’s Eurovision. Our task – to decide which ten of the sixteen songs we would put forward to Saturday’s Big Show. One thing’s for sure – we fly in the face of popular opinion on lots of these songs! Oh, and you can click on the picture to get a glorious close up.
Armenia – visually great, but I felt Aram’s vocals were occasionally a bit ropey, on reflection I’d have preferred Aram Mp3 to Aram Live. It came across to both of us as an extremely repetitive song, even after it comes to life halfway through. Having both wavered on the fence a bit, in the end neither of us put it through (yes, even though it was the bookies’ favourite).
Latvia – A bit like Engelbert a couple of years ago, this came too early in the proceedings to be the breath of fresh air that it is. The guys performed it much better than I was expecting, and its looseness and relaxed fun style suited the song perfectly. It remains my favourite song of this year’s entire offerings. We both put it through.
Estonia – Very good performance, the presentation made it appear like a crossover between music and contemporary dance. Maybe the power of the song got lost just slightly somewhere along the line – but it was still in my top 4 and we both voted for it to proceed.
Sweden – We’ve both always been very lukewarm on this song but there’s absolutely no doubt that Sanna sold it hook line and sinker. Even the “undo my sad love” bit didn’t ruin it. Plus, she looked gorgeous in one of Mrs C’s cast-offs. No question that we both thought it should qualify.
Iceland – When the colourful guys were doing all their whizzy dance moves in front of that vivid backdrop, I was reminded of the opening sequence to the old Jackson Five cartoon shows, remember? I was expecting the song to feel a bit more exciting than it did – I felt it laboured at times. Still there was something about it that made me send it through to the final, bur Mrs C didn’t.
Albania – Mrs C’s one word comment: “inaccessible”. Thought the guitarist in the polo neck looked a bit scruffy too. The song didn’t come over to us at all, and it was definitely my least favourite of the six so far. It was a no from both of us.
Russia – Common decency prevents me from using the word that Mrs C chose to describe their hair trick, but I guess they had to have some gimmicks in order to shift your attention from the utter beigeness of the song. I really wanted the see-saw to get stuck in the air. I know, I’m cruel. Mrs C showed the milk of human kindness, she put it through.
Azerbaijan – I love the slinky orchestration on this. Didn’t think Dilara was on top form vocally, her first “maybe nightfall” got me wincing. The lighting effect of the church background was a-ma-zing. This one sails over Mrs C’s head, and although I was expecting something better, it was still good enough for me to have it as one of my ten.
Ukraine – What is it with Ukraine and hamster wheels? Did they learn nothing in 2009? Visually though this was much tidier than when Svetlana was causing havoc with the Moscow stage, and the effect of the guy running fast in the wheel but getting nowhere made an interesting contrast with Mariya’s agent provocatrice act. I still think it’s a paper-thin song but very well masked by its performance. It was at this point that Mrs C started looking at work emails. We both gave it the thumbs up.
Belgium – Sadly Axel more or less ruined it by going over the top with the performance. It’s already a big song with a big guy and big words – it needed a bit more subtlety to survive and I fear he made it over-ripe. Mrs C has never liked it, and found the whole thing creepy. I expected to put him through to Saturday night, but in the final shake-up neither of us did.
Moldova – Cristina was struggling so hard with those low notes at the start and for me it declined from there on. Another rather over-the-top performance; just as I was about to implore her to keep her hair on, she didn’t. One way of getting back to your roots, I guess. On my score sheet I’ve written the words “ridiculous” and “awful”. Not a lot you can say to that really. It got my lowest score of the night. We both refused its visa application for Saturday.
San Marino – After the insanities of Belgium and Moldova, Valentina’s simple performance had a significant effect – as can be seen by the fact that she finally made it to the Saturday night. We both agreed that the song is “quite nice” and nothing more – but it was a winning performance. No overblown theatrics meant it we both sent it forward.
Portugal – So Suzy does have another dress after all. Not so much Suzyshake this time – slight disappointment – but she absolutely nailed the vocals and we both thought she gave a great performance. Sadly I think it’s one of those songs which lacks an initial impact, but grows on you during the course of the season, which is why it won’t be there on Saturday. We both loved it though, and gave it two thumbs up.
Netherlands – As soon as the introduction started, Mrs C sang “Every breath you take….” But in the same way that one likes that old Police song, this is also likeable. Vocally really strong, and you can see its potential for Saturday. Mrs C put it through no question, but I’m just not a Nashville guy.
Montenegro – Having seen Sergej at the London party and been amazed at his lack of stage charisma – sorry if that’s cruel – I was concerned how this would come over. No need, it was superb, and again a really strong vocal was a delight to hear. Forgive me, but I did want to see the irrelevant skater fall over though. We both had no hesitation in selecting it for the final.
Hungary – For me, probably the performance of the night. A fantastic combination of melody, words, drama, singing, action, and light show coming together for three minutes of magic. The only thing that bugged me slightly was Andras’ dropping his h. “She calls forrelp, she calls forrelp…” no wonder no one seems to care, they can’t understand what you’re saying, old chap. I thought the subject matter was going to be too dark for the show, but no, the drama stands out. We both said yes to Saturday.
So we weren’t very good at predicting, both getting 7 right. I had three bets on – Latvia, Portugal and Albania to qualify. A 0% success rate, then. Oh well, back to the drawing board…. See you Friday for more post-mortem!
Welcome back gentle reader, and thanks for sticking with me on this review of all this year’s entries to the Eurovision Song Contest from sunny Copenhagen. We’re now left with the six remaining songs that are definitely through to the Saturday night, presented to you in alphabetical order. Once more, I’m also giving you the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 25th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. Let’s dive in!
Denmark – Basim – Cliché Love Song
The host nation returns with the third major dollop of Marmite in this year’s contest. Some people are raving about this, saying Denmark’s going to win the show two years in a row, hands down. To those people I say, are you out of your mind? How on earth did it take four people to put those lyrics together – did they just draw random words out of a hat? I admit, it’s an obscenely catchy tune (accurately described as Bruno Mars’ version of “You to me are Everything”) but destroyed for me by its (sadly successful) linguistic search for the lowest common denominator. Fortunately they’re now singing “another cliché baby” instead of the original words – google it if you don’t believe me. Surely no self-respecting jury would give this the time of day. However, it has a brilliant draw (23rd) and so will probably do very well. 8/1 to 9/1 *
France – Twin Twin – Moustache
And yet more Marmite; in fact this is a very yeast extract, 100% vegetarian year. When Moustache first hit our youtube screens a couple of months ago I thought it was a disastrous mess – and the live performance was frankly shoddy. However, I really enjoy the promo video, and in the studio version this is full of fun, with a singalong chorus that anyone can join in, even if the nearest they’ve been to la belle France is un Brie et grape sandwich. Strictly speaking, Twin Twin should be in capitals, but I didn’t want to shout at you. The lyrics, hard to catch because they get pelted at you faster than “terms and conditions may apply” on a radio advert, are a clever satire on today’s “I Want, Must Have” culture. Most people whose opinion I have sought on this one hate it. I suspect it will bomb. But I love it. 66/1 to 150/1 *****
Germany – Elaiza – Is it Right
This year Germany has gone for an all-girl group – nothing wrong with that – with traces of Ukrainian folk style in their music – nothing wrong with that either – and a self-penned song about a relationship break-up – which can be the source of great creativity. Sadly “Is it Right” is an extremely drab, cumbersome song that turns me off by the time I reach the third word. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my “right”s to have fewer than nine syllables (and my “undo”‘s to have less than five, while we’re at it). They seem to be having such a fun time in their promotional photographs – they must have been singing something else during the shoot. File this under “worthy”. 33/1 to 100/1 *
Italy – Emma – La mia Citta
ooray, it’s rock-chick time again. Ziggy Stardust’s Italian sister Emma came to prominence by winning a TV talent show four years ago and since then she’s had three Number One albums and four Number one singles so she’s obviously doing something right. She’s also a whizz on the guitar as well as a vocalist. On the scary scale she comes somewhere between Mei Finegold and Tijana. Great verse, but then the chorus lets it down a bit. I predict the sales of strawberry hair extensions to rocket. 40/1 to 66/1 ***
Spain – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing in the Rain
Ruth seems to divide opinions – mainly with those people who thought Brequette should have won the Spanish final. A common criticism is that she is a bit screechy, but we saw her at the London Party and I can tell you she was ace; no one will sleep through her Nessun Dorma. This isn’t the kind of song I would normally go for, but the ex-X-Factor girl makes it an occasion. If you’re in north-eastern France amuse your friends at your Eurovision party by singing “Dancing in Lorraine”. They’ll always remember you for it. Perhaps Spain’s best result in decades? An excellent each-way bet. 33/1 to 66/1 *****
UK – Molly – Children of the Universe
Last but not least it’s our Molly. She’s dropped the Smitten-Downes surname for the purposes of Eurovision which I’m sure will help the caption-writers. The rhythm and orchestration of the song have immediate impact, it’s quirky and the chorus has a memorable hook. On the down side, I think Molly needs to learn how to present an act better – she’s fine with an audience completely on her side but in competition I’m not sure how dynamic she’ll come across. She always reminds me of a San Francisco flower power girl circa 1968. Mrs Chrisparkle has a particular problem with Molly’s diction – she can’t work out a word she’s saying. Hard to call – could come anywhere between 1st and 25th. 10/1 to 14/1 ***
For the third year on the row, here is my little analysis of the songs that have received the most hits on the eurovision.tv youtube channel, as at the moment of writing. Last year Montenegro had received the most (did not qualify), followed by Ukraine in second place (came 3rd) and Denmark in third (came 1st) – so maybe there are a few hints to be gained from this exercise. As it stands at the moment here are the scores on the doors:
10th – Ukraine (450,195)
9th – Poland (494,763)
8th – Israel (541,993)
7th – Azerbaijan (576,248)
6th – United Kingdom (605,776)
5th – Italy(648,615)
4th – Spain (690,635)
3rd – Montenegro (837,945)
2nd – Austria (1,793,510)
1st – Armenia (2,196,541)
So maybe it really is Armenia’s to lose this year.
My top ten favourites this year?
In at number 10, it’s the not too scary Tijana with To The Sky for FYR Macedonia
At 9, it’s the much scarier Mei Finegold and Same Heart for Israel
My number 8 is Sebalter from Switzerland whistling his way through a posh hotel
7th place goes to the Slovenianflautist Tinkara with Round and Round
6 is the reflective Balkan charm of Sergej Cetkovic from Montenegro
At Number 5 that dubious material song from Hungary, Running
My 4th choice is for that earworm from Estonia, Tanja and Amazing
Top 3 – At 3 it’s the Greek Pet Shop Boys, Freaky Fortune plus young RiskyKidd and Rise Up
Runner-up those never satisfied French guys seeking a moustache
And my favourite song this year is the hopelessly doomed, Mary Berry-inspired Latvians with their Cake to Bake.
As to the winner? Choose from any of these ten:
Armenia
Spain
UK
Azerbaijan
Montenegro
Sweden
Romania
Malta
Belgium
Poland
This is an impossibly hard year to call!
Meet you back here the Wednesday after Semi Final one for a chinwag about the results? It’s a deal.
Hello again gentle reader, following on from my last blog reviewing the sixteen songs that make up Semi Final One in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, here are the fifteen (yes just fifteen) in Semi Final Two. As last time, I’m also giving you the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 23rdApril) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. If you’re up for the fray, let’s begin!
Malta – Firelight – Coming Home
The moment Mrs Chrisparkle heard this for the first time she exclaimed, “I love it!” “Really?” I replied, lightly stunned. To get the full flavour of this song, think of David Gray’s “Babylon” but without the emotion, or structure, or tune. I like how they’ve devoted the video to the First World War Fallen, and I’m pleased that Richard Micallef (or Richard Edwards, however you think of him) has finally realised his dream of representing his country; but I think in previous years he’s had far better songs that didn’t win the National Final. There’s no denying that Richard and Michelle performed their socks off at the London party and can create a really nice country vibe. But for me the song doesn’t really go anywhere. 50/1 to 100/1 ***
Israel – Mei Finegold – Same Heart
Here’s a lady who really knows how to do scary. 31 year old Mei is an expert musical theatre performer and it shows with her dramatic attack in this powerful song. A memorable tune and a punchy orchestration means this song stays with you all day. You certainly wouldn’t want to get into an argument with Mei, in case she decides to “skin you out”. The song’s hedging all bets by having the lyrics in both English and Hebrew. I think this will do rather well. I doubt she got that outfit from Debenhams. 40/1 to 66/1 ****
Norway – Carl Espen – Silent Storm
Here’s another song that I’m slowly warming to – but very slowly indeed. A song of internal angst that would probably have them rolling in the aisles during those late nights of a Tromso midwinter, but Copenhagen in May? Carl’s a carpenter by trade apparently, which may account for his rather wooden approach to performance. But people do seem to love the song. Interesting how both Norway and Sweden have gone for an introverted miseryfest of a song this year. There’s no doubting his sincerity, but you sense he would be happier with a saw and a dovetail joint. He performed in London, and I’d describe his entertainment factor as solid. 9/1 to 14/1 ***
Georgia – The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth
Quite possibly one of the worst songs I have ever heard. The Shin are a band specialising in old Georgian folk music and I wouldn’t be surprised if the only people to like this were old Georgian folk. They are joined by singer Mariko who looks like she’s stuck her finger in an electric socket. It’s a no from me. 125/1 to 500/1 *
Poland – Donatan and Cleo – We are Slavic
Massively successful in Poland as a Christmas hit, the official video famously received over 15 million youtube hits in its first three weeks. This has absolutely nothing to do with the song, but with the cinematographic emphasis on the bustiness of Slavic Beauties. Cleo sounds like she has a bar of soap caught in her throat and Donatan does whatever a music producer does. I find the song extremely discordant and irritating, like one of those childish clapping songs one hoped one would never have to hear again. If it was the Eurovision Video Contest it would win hands down; but as a Song Contest I think this might go t*ts up. 40/1 to 100/1 **
Austria – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like a Phoenix
Now onto la Conchita de la Saucisson. No circus freak, this bearded lady is a sensational performer as we were privileged to see at the London party. She has an amazing stage presence and absolutely radiates charisma. The song builds nicely in a very James Bond sort of way – although perhaps it is a little old-fashioned, you could imagine Shirley Bassey giving it some welly in the 1960s. I suspect this song will go huge in Western Europe but crawl under a rock in the East, which should even out to a mid-table finish. Pure entertainment, and no matter what you think of Conchita’s appearance, she’s a star. 33/1 to 40/1 ****
Lithuania – Vilija Mataciunaite – Attention
So here’s some attention seeking from Lithuania with a very shouty and irritating song which one would be very happy never to hear again. It’s all that “down, do-do-down, down on your knees” stuff in the lyrics that really gets my goat. However, with Ireland, the UK, Belarus, Norway and Georgia all voting in this semi-final, it may be a surprise qualifier. The legendary pain in the Baltics. That’s it, nothing more to add. 100/1 to 300/1 *
Finland – Softengine – Something Better
Soft rock song from Finland, this year’s Litesound equivalent, but quite a good exponent of the genre. Smooth, competent and gently rewarding, if a bit on the repetitive side. It’s actually quite a nice story about appreciating what you’ve got – something the Twin Twin guys could learn from. I’m not entirely sure where it’s going to get its votes from though. Except from Norway. They’re very clean-cut guys; surely rock Finns are meant to have long hippy hair? Did Mr Lordi teach them nothing? 50/1 to 100/1 ***
Ireland – Can-Linn featuring Kasey Smith – Heartbeat
Here’s something a bit more arresting. I love the intro, and Kasey’s voice cuts through the atmosphere like a velvet machete. Although Can-Linn are a “typical Irish folk band” whatever that is, this feels distinctly un-Irish to me, which actually makes a nice change. It’s a shame there are so many “heartbeats” in the chorus though, with that level of repetition Kasey needs to get her blood pressure looked at. By the end I’ve got a bit bored with it. Still, it’s the product of a team with an excellent songwriting pedigree though, so what do I know? 33/1 to 100/1 ***
Belarus – Teo – Cheesecake
The title says it all really. This was yet another of those early songs that I thought was just too silly and (literally) cheesy to appreciate; but time is a great healer and today I quite like hearing Teo grappling with the moral dilemma of being called a cheesecake. In fact, if ever a man were to look like a cheesecake, it would be Teo. Mainly vanilla, with a dash of lemon. I am sucked in by the entertaining video though, despite people saying it’s a complete rip-off of Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines video. I guess both feature people and a blank background. I think the similarities end there. 100/1 to 300/1 ***
FYR Macedonia – Tijana – To The Sky
There’s always room for some rock chickery at Eurovision and I’m delighted to say that Tijana (without Herb Alpert or any brass) fills that bill nicely. She’s a lot less scary than Mei Finegold, for starters, and she’s doubtlessly the nearest thing they get to Pink in Skopje. Whilst she’s definitely going to miss the support of Bosnia, Croatia, and so on, I think the song has a strong enough appeal to be only the second from this country to qualify. Great tune, and with an uplifting feel. A keeper. 100/1 to 350/1 ****
Switzerland – Sebalter – Hunter of Stars
Reach for the Marmite again. When I first heard this song, Seb’s whistling got right on my nerves and I had to bury the whole thing in the sand – figuratively speaking. But actually, it’s a really entertaining and catchy tune, and once you hear that whistle in your head, you know you’ve lost control of your mind and it won’t be yours again for ages. He’s a bit of an unknown character – playing in bands and keeping quite a low profile – and then suddenly sprung into the Eurovision bear pit. He’s a very entertaining performer (as we can testify from the London Party) and this is definitely one of my favourites this year. The video is great, if you haven’t seen it; the moral of it being, never employ Sebalter in your hotel. Switzerland rarely qualifies though, and I think it’s unlikely to have a change of fortune this year. 100/1 to 250/1 ****
Greece – Freaky Fortune featuring RiskyKidd – Rise Up
Rap usually sinks without trace at Eurovision, but I just wonder if this song could be its turning point. A couple of years ago Greece went for a similar act with Watch My Dance (one of Mrs Chrisparkle’s favourites) which finished a credible 7th. This year they have Freaky Fortune (like youthful Greek Pet Shop Boys) fronted by singer Nick, who, I can tell you, having seen them in the London Party, is a complete showman – and rapper RiskyKidd (that’s Shane from London). You couldn’t call this a complicated song by any stretch of the imagination, but I like it. Impossible to stay still whilst it’s playing. With a title like “Rise Up”, I’m sure it’s going to be associated with some ribald jokes on the Eurodancefloor. It’s Greece, so it’s a certain qualifier, and definitely top ten material for Saturday night. 33/1 to 66/1 *****
Slovenia – Tinkara Kovac – Round and Round
Unlike Ireland, Slovenia is this year’s Irish sounding song. That is, until Tinkara starts singing in Slovene (unsurprisingly). In fact the foreign language elements serve as nice pieces of bread enclosing a rather delicious sandwich filling of enigmatic English lyric. Known for her expert flautistry, she’s obviously the Slovenian James Galway. Except better looking, and considerably younger. This is one of those songs that is quite hard to recollect off the top of your head, but once you remember it, you really enjoy it. A good draw in the semi might get her through to the final. 100/1 to 200/1 ****
Romania – Paula Seling and Ovi – Miracle
The second of this year’s returning acts, and also with a song vastly inferior to their previous effort. Paula and Ovi sang “Playing with Fire” at the London Party and it was definitely the best song of the night. Ovi’s a real live wire on stage, and was hugely entertaining to the London crowd, but I thought Paula rather phoned her performance in. Mind you, it was very late. Miracle is a triumph of style over substance, a sequence of jingles strung together to make a song – nearly. But if they’re on top form on the night there’s no reason this won’t go as high as Paula’s vocal range. Keep your dog away from the TV set. 20/1 to 28/1 ***
And that’s your lot for Semi Final Two. With only five songs getting eliminated at this stage, and only two days between this semi and the big night, does that give a slight advantage to these qualifiers? My guess is that we can say goodbye to: Georgia, Belarus, Switzerland, Lithuania and Finland. You can watch the Semi Final Two in the UK on BBC3 at 8pm on Thursday 8th May, and this is the semi that the UK can vote in, so take your responsibilities seriously. I’ll be back with my run-down of the big five and the host nation on Thursday!
Yes gentle reader, it’s that time of the year again. Amsterdam’s “Eurovision in Concert”, London’s preview party at the Café de Paris, Boom-Bang-a-Bang preview evenings in London and Manchester, they’ve all been and gone and Eurovision fans are now girding their loins and fanning their fervour as the magic week approaches. As in previous years, I’m going to introduce you to the songs in the order in which they will be performed on the night – the night in question for Semi Final One being Tuesday 6th May – bearing in mind this has been put together by Danish TV in an order they think makes a good show (and gives an unfair advantage to the countries of their choice). I’m also giving you the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 15th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. Here goes!
Armenia – Aram Mp3 – Not Alone
And we hit the ground running with the song that has been the bookmakers’ favourite since the day betting started, and certainly before the song itself was chosen, which in itself is bizarre. Not Alone is a sombre, serious ballad with a rousing arrangement; but just when you think it’s going somewhere, it doesn’t quite. My initial reaction to it was that it was a snoozefest; nevertheless, and I like it more each time I hear it. Do you reckon Mr Mp3 thought his real name of Aram 45rpm sounded a bit outdated? I know people who love this song and other people who hate it. Mind you, I think I could say that about each of these songs. He performed at the London Preview Party and I was impressed by the “Mr Entertainment” vibe he gave off. Is he really only 30? He must have endured some hard winters in Yerevan. Evens to 15/8. ***
Latvia – Aarzemnieki – Cake to Bake
It’s a funny year. The first few songs I heard during this National Finals season were all silly. Flippant daft nonsense. Too silly to enjoy. I thought I’d wait till I heard the big songs from the big countries. Trouble is, they were all the same. Ploddy female ballads, mainly. So I found myself having to reappraise the silly songs. And I have to say, Cake to Bake is the silliest, but best, of the bunch, and probably of the year. I know that’s a controversial thing to say. But this is the only song that really lifts my heart and makes me want to sing along. And I rather like the premise that the poor chap can do all these extraordinary feats of intelligence and planning, like cleaning Central Park and reversing the law of gravity, but hasn’t a clue how to bake a cake. I can sympathise with that. Live, I think they’re a little ragged round the edges. Infectiously cheerful Jöran, the lead singer, is from Germany, hence the name of the group. Didn’t you know aarzemnieki is Latvian for foreigners? I think this is going to need all the self-raising flour it can get to qualify – but I love it. This too was performed in London – and from where I was standing, all I could see was the tops of their heads. 100/1 to 400/1 *****
Estonia – Tanja – Amazing
People are turning off this song because they say it’s too like Euphoria. No – Germany’s Glorious last year, that was too like Euphoria. I think this song has its own personality. It has a groovy clubby feel (not that I would know what that means) and it would certainly inspire me to create some interesting shapes on the dancefloor. It went down quite well at the London Preview party post-show disco. Mrs Chrisparkle found it instantly likeable too. Excellent eurofodder, with a strangely haunting atmosphere. 50/1 to 100/1 ****
Sweden – Sanna Nielsen – Undo
So fan fave Sanna Nielsen finally makes it to Eurovision after what seems like decades of having stab after stab after stab. And after all the lovely songs she’s had in the past, she makes it with the criminally unrewarding “Undo”. There are the makings of a good song here I’m sure, but it’s just not there yet. To me it feels whingey and self-pitying. Of course, since winning Melodifestivalen, “undo my sad” has become “undo my sad love”, in a foolish attempt by people for whom English is not their first language to pretend that it is. But whereas “undo my sad” was quite yoof and street, “undo my sad love” hardly makes any sense at all. I’ve got a new version of the chorus if Sanna is interested – “Undo my sad, I’ve been quite bad, Now you’re a dad, Guess I’ve been had”. I think it has legs. 11/4 to 5/2 ***
Iceland – Pollapönk – No Prejudice
This song was complete drivel when it won the Icelandic National Final but since then it’s been French polished and given some clean straw to sleep in and now it’s not half so bad. Originally “no racism” it’s now the slightly less specific “no prejudice”, but I’m sure its heart is still in the right place. Performing from position 5 in a semi is about as bad as it gets though, so I don’t suppose we’ll see the Pullaplonkers on the Saturday night. 100/1 to 300/1 ***
Albania – Hersi Matmuja – One Night’s Anger
One Night’s Anger is rather an in-your-face no-holds-barred title for such a sweet sounding little song, although apparently it’s all about the dangers of letting anger guide one’s decisions, and the importance of thinking before reacting – so you have been warned. Hersi’s a graduate of the prestigious National Academy of St Cecilia in Rome, whose alumni include piano maestro Rachmaninov; so she ought to know her onions. The song doesn’t really do a lot for me, but Albanian songs rarely do, and the timbre of Hersi’s voice grates on me a little. One night’s anger might be how she reflects on failing to qualify on Wednesday morning. 80/1 to 250/1 **
Russia – Tolamchevy Sisters – Shine
Just what the Eurovision Song Contest needs – another song called “Shine”. Almost pointless their being there really, as I can’t imagine many countries are going to clasp Mother Russia to their hearts this year, seeing as how she’s generally behaving like a right old cow at the moment. At the age of 17, the Tolamchevies are old hands at this Eurovision lark, having won the Junior version back in 2006. The song is perfectly pleasant and I’m sure Mr Putin will be singing along to the lines, “sending out a message up above, telling all the world to show some love”. Five people are credited with creating this masterpiece including Russian volcano-lover Philipp Kirkorov and Maltese pop-creator Gerard James Borg. Bananarama-lite, this is going to sink deeper than Putin’s human rights record. 14/1 to 50/1 ***
Azerbaijan – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire
I have a sneaking regard for this one. It ticks lots of the boxes and whilst never really becoming the sum of its parts, they’re quite good looking parts on the whole. Dilara’s got a great voice and she’s rather a sultry lass too. Too jazz-based for Eurovision perhaps? 1979’s Heute in Jerusalem resurrected for the modern era. It’s Azerbaijan, of course, so there’s probably already several hundred thousand votes in the bank before it started. Oops, did I say that out loud? #justjoking. 10/1 to 22/1 ***
Ukraine – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick Tock
May I refer you back, gentle reader, to our earlier discussion regarding Latvia, when I said how I initially disliked all the early silly songs and then went back to them after I’d heard all the later dirgey ones. Well, this is one song where my initial impression hasn’t budged an inch. I don’t care for it at all. 21 year old Mariya’s performance at the London party was sexier than it ought to have been because although the lyrics are all about “lurve”, the tune, with its Tick Tock Title, is like a nursery rhyme. No doubt there’ll be some international border-incursion-based sympathy votes, but musically it’s vapid. 10/1 to 16/1 **
Belgium – Axel Hirsoux – Mother
Here’s a Marmite song if ever there was one. Three minutes of contrasting emotions to grapple with. Axel is a terrific singer, and it’s a stirring, memorable tune. In the cynical UK it’s going to go down like a lead waffle, this big girl’s blouse singing romantically about his mum. Unless, that is, you are a Saturday night, light entertainment-watching mother or grandmother yourself, because your heart will go all gooey at M. Hirsoux’s plaintive serenade, directed personally at you. I think it will also do well in countries where they don’t speak a lot of English, and they can’t understand quite how essentially icky the lyrics are. But all power to his larynx, he’s a great performer. And the Go Compare man had better fear for his job. 16/1 to 28/1 ***
Moldova – Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul
Although Cristina really gets into it and gives it all she’s got, I find this one as forgettable as bin bags on a shopping list. She’s a pretty scary lady with no feelings of mercy and I’m not sure Europe’s voters will have either. Without their friends in Romania voting for them in this semi-final, will it make it to Saturday? Whatever, I hope they tone down that rather irritating percussion. It’s louder than a deep scratch on an old 45. 66/1 to 300/1 **
San Marino – Valentina Monetta – Maybe
Maybe – Valentina will win; maybe – their chances are thin; maybe – pestilence will begin – before Ralph Siegel retires; maybe – they might qualify; maybe – expectations are high; but I fear – it’s Terminal One on Wednesday.
To be fair, it’s a grower, but that’s not very helpful when you want instant impact. And with Italy voting on the Second Semi, I don’t think it’s going to survive. Even the Social Network song had a bit of beep beep to it, but this is just drama by numbers. Sorry, because I do think Valentina’s an excellent performer, she just never has the chance to show us! 80/1 to 225/1 **
Portugal – Suzy – Quero Ser Tua
Now here’s a song that’s really gone up in my estimation since we went to the London Preview Party. Suzy’s a great entertainer, a stunning statuesque lady, and when she does the Suzyshake you can feel everything quiver. On paper it’s nothing much, but if she can nail the vocals on the Tuesday night it’s a real feel-good number. One of those songs where the chorus just blurts out of your mouth when you’re not expecting it. Poor Suzy only seems to have one dress, but at least it’s a nice one. 100/1 to 300/1 ****
The Netherlands – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm
After some Mediterranean sunshine, the Netherlands bring us back to earth with some Blue Grass moping. Dutch singer Ilse is a highly successful country singer in her own right and she has been united with Waylon to form The Common Linnets. Anyone who likes this kind of music is not going to be watching the Eurovision Song Contest in the first place. Having gone for Anouk last year, the Netherlands are continuing to specialise in providing the wrist-slitting opportunities for the evening. A drab dirge, I’m afraid. Perhaps the “Pizazzy Linnets” would have been more uplifting. Wasn’t Sandra Reemer available? 66/1 to 250/1 **
Montenegro – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet
In a year with a large Balkan contingent, this would have done really well. As it is, I still think it will produce Montenegro’s best result ever (not hard, as they have yet to qualify out of the semis). Twelve points from Albania will help. Sergej’s got a very relaxed style – perhaps a trifle too underplayed, as his presentation almost became boring at the London Party – Montenegro’s answer to Val Doonican, perhaps. This is no Lane Moje but it’s not bad at all, and it has a very satisfying video. 50/1 to 125/1 ****
Hungary – Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running
From a gently lyrical song about love to a nifty ditty about child abuse. Who would expect that at the Eurovision? It’s a powerful song, and if you don’t watch the video or follow the lyrics, it’s very enjoyable, with the urgency of its chorus and its contemporary sound. I’m just not sure it’s Saturday night light entertainment material. New Yorker Andras had a song in last year’s Hungarian National Final too, so it was only a matter of time before he represented his maternal homeland. Hungary’s maintained a really high standard of songs over the past few years, and this is up amongst them. 10/1 to 16/1 ***
So there you have it, Semi Final One. Pick the bones out of that lot and tell me who’ll qualify. I think the likely non-qualifiers are: Iceland, Moldova, Netherlands, San Marino, Albania and Latvia. You can watch the Semi Final One in the UK on BBC3 at 8pm on Tuesday 6th May. Meanwhile, I’ll be back with my run-down of Semi Final Two on Wednesday!
So last night we decamped to Duncansby Manor for the traditional showing of the Second Semi Final with the usual wide range of alcohol and nibblies. As on Tuesday our arduous task was to identify the ten songs that we would jointly and severally put forward to Saturday night’s final.
Latvia – Had an instant appeal to Lady Duncansby and Mrs Chrisparkle, but then again they hadn’t had the “benefit” of hearing it all the way through before. Two bouncy chaps in glittery suits certainly seemed to enjoy themselves and it’s a happy sound; but the truth is that there isn’t much of a song in there. I briefly considered having my haircut like a shark’s fin too. Mrs C and Lady D were swayed to vote for them – not me.
San Marino – Lady D said it instantly reminded her of Apricot Stone, and how much she hates that song. I wondered why Valentina wasn’t draped in her sheet, and was also very concerned about that bit of hair that kept getting in her mouth. It’s a song of two halves, but the ladies had got too bored with it before the upbeat final fifty seconds. Only I voted for it.
FYR Macedonia – Verging on the camptastic, but rubbish at the same time. Lozano was fine, but Esma was just awful to my ears. She provoked a lot of mirth on the sofa though. At Esma’s second chorus Mrs C cried “oh no, she’s off again!” Scott Mills’ description of her as a tomato on castors was about right. No takers.
Azerbaijan – Lady D looked at Farid; then she looked at the boy in the box; then back at Farid; then sighed “decisions, decisions…” It’s a very strong song, and Farid sang it really well. The boy in the box gimmick was effective when they were absolutely in time – the couple of occasions they weren’t, it jarred. When they were back to back they looked like a pair of bookends. All three of us voted it in without hesitation.
Finland – A pre-show favourite of mine, I thought it lacked just a tiny bit of oomph in that performance. Still it’s a massively fun number with a quirky routine and a naughty ending. We all liked it, but it didn’t spark discussion. But we’re all members of Team Ding Dong, so we all put it through.
Malta – It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone look as though they were genuinely enjoying their performance as much as Dr. Gianluca. Its light, story-telling style had a big impact, and although it’s a gentle song, it went down really well with us. A very appealing performance, and best use of stage apron so far. Three yes’s.
Bulgaria – It took the dreadful performance of Macedonia to make me realise this song isn’t quite as bad as I first thought. Still, that’s not saying much. The bagpiper looked like he was strangling a pig. Mrs C would look very nice in Elitsa’s jacket. Still sounds like the record is warped. Three no’s.
Iceland – Lady D was rather taken by Eythor’s looks, whereas I knew he would not be Mrs C’s cuppa tea. Personally I thought he looked a little like a hamster in a wig. It’s a simple, pleasant, dare I say it slightly plodding song that doesn’t offend in any way. Not quite strong enough for me to send through but the ladies did.
Greece – I don’t care if this is a searing indictment of the Greek economy, the chorus is just the title being repeated ten times and it’s really rather tedious. The guys looked quite smart in their Moss Bros kilts but Agathonas looked very uncomfortable. After three minutes of it, Alcohol Is Necessary. Only Mrs C put it through.
Israel – Whilst Moran’s face says “sexy secretary” to me, her body says “bit of a bruiser” to Mrs C. It’s a strong song and she sang it well, but the three of us couldn’t stop looking at her dress. The ladies thought if she got through to Saturday’s show that perhaps they could find her something more “forgiving”. Repecharge material, and only I gave it its Saturday night slot.
Armenia – Although this is a bit of a dull song, it was very different from everything that had gone before, and its style had a good appeal at that point of the evening. Mrs C admired its variety; Lady D liked the way Gor wore his scarf. I wasn’t sure of his tremolos. Nevertheless it came across quite well, and we all voted for it.
Hungary – A sweet song, not entirely well sung, but with a certain Magyar charm. Lady D was not only attracted to the guitarist, but she also thought ByeAlex would be the kind of guy you could talk to after sex. She must have been on the oysters. This song does successfully what Lithuania’s doesn’t (IMHO). 100% from us.
Norway – That Verfremdungseffekt of a technothrob introduction either appeals or it puts you off. Both Mrs C and Lady D were turned right off at the beginning, and Lady D stayed switched off to the end. I’ve always liked the song, but it did lose something in that live performance. Mrs C and I gave it the benefit of the doubt, but there was quite a lot of doubt.
Albania – When the introduction started up, Lady D said “I’ve heard this before, I like it”; and then as soon as Bledar started singing she said “oh no I don’t”. Very firmly. I quite appreciate this song’s anthemic quality – I tend to like that sort of thing at euroviszh. I prefer it to the Armenian entry anyway. Again Lady D was the only nay-sayer.
Georgia – Starts promisingly, then becomes a dull dirge. I felt sorry for the eurofans who must have been gagging on that dry ice. We watched in silence until the hilarious choreographic moment when the two of them walked towards each other – plod, plod, plod, stop. Terribly stagy. Mrs C described it as “overblown woodchip”. No score.
Switzerland – This has long been my favourite song of this year’s contest, and Lady D’s too. Sadly on the stage it looked and sounded a bit ragged, and 95 year old Emil – to whom all kudos be given – did look as though he couldn’t really keep up. Out of fondness for the recording, we all put it through.
Romania – This has long been my least favourite song of this year’s contest. It’s still awful, and the faux-naked dancers just looked ridiculous, although not as bad as Cezar dressed as Abanazar from Aladdin – the stuff of nightmares. Mrs C and Lady D stunned into speechlessness. Thumbs down from everyone.
So Lady D and I both got six right and Mrs C got seven, so she was the overall winner of the two heats. For that, her prize is to spend Saturday afternoon bedecking a bar in Birmingham with balloons and flags in preparation for our Eurovision party.
Best lines of the night – Ana Matronic on Petra Mede’s dress: suitable for “my big fat gypsy funeral” was the killer.
So we all met up to celebrate the annual festivity that is the first semi-final. Crisps and nuts were consumed, wines were free flowing; and we each took our responsibilities seriously as we weighed and judged each act as to its merits for being considered for promotion to the premiership of Saturday night. Don’t forget you can click on the pictures to bring them up to full screen loveliness.
Austria – The song was ok, and Mrs Chrisparkle and Lady Duncansby were both envious of Natalia’s jeans. Bit slow to start, but she warmed up a bit later on. But none of us was that impressed. No one put her through to the final.
Estonia – A confident performance, but I’ve always thought the song was dull, and see no reason to change my mind. Lady D wants to know where Birgit gets her eye-shadow. Mrs C gave her the benefit of the doubt and put her through.
Slovenia – The instant upbeat sound caught all our attentions. A lively song, and Hannah shows remarkable proficiency in walking in those boots. Her outfit reminded me of Sage the owl from the Herbs having been spray-painted in graphite; and her dancers’ helmets had to be seen to be believed. We all liked it and all sent her through to Saturday.
Croatia – Mrs C hated this on CD but quite liked it on stage. It’s a very nice song and the guys sang it really well. I could quite fancy one of those sub-Napoleonic uniforms. Do they do them in H&M? Lady D doesn’t really do mizerja, so not that impressed. Two out of three.
Denmark – I enjoyed seeing the otherwise po-faced whistle player stifle a smirk at the huge round of applause at the beginning of this performance. The song sounded as good as ever, and Mrs C appreciated the military drumming. Nice golden shower too. We all gave it the thumbs-up.
Russia – I think this was the first time I’d really enjoyed hearing this song. I was impressed by its anthemic qualities that I hadn’t noticed before. Also she had a nicely swathed pink cleavage. Deadly in the criticism department as ever, Mrs C and Lady D both remarked on her “roll of fat”. Girls can be cruel. Still, we all put it through.
Ukraine – I’ve always liked this song but I’m really not sure about the jolly green giant. Zlata is my favourite honey of this season, and she didn’t disappoint, but I felt the song started to ebb away a bit towards the end. You can see that she’s feeling it in the photo. More harsh words from the ladies – “look at the creases in that ill-fitting dress”. Everyone’s a critic. We all liked it though.
Netherlands – This is a song you either get, or you don’t. I never really have got it, and Mrs C and Lady D were bored to tears with it. When Anouk started yet another chorus, Mrs C was heard to exclaim “Jesus Christ Almighty”. Whilst the voters that mattered heard Anouk’s prayer, none of us did. No takers.
Montenegro – Only at Eurovision. Its silliness coupled with its energy won us over, and Nina gave a belter of a performance. Lady D said “respect” and “check it” a couple of times. I’m not sure those spacesuits would be totally safe at -150°C. We all voted for it though.
Lithuania – Andrius, the man with the manic eyebrows. “Look at the size of his hands” said Lady D, which I was sure was some coded message. Such an understated performance yet it has a certain something. I’m sure he sang “because of my shoes I’m wearing today, one is called love, the other is suede”. Lady D is having legal documentation drawn up so that she can adopt him. Mrs C and I weren’t so keen.
Belarus – A generally camptastic experience. The song came over as lively and we all tried to sing along with it. Alyona was looking stunning, and her dancers were looking like they were enjoying themselves. Oooh get you, Belarussian boy on the left of the picture. We all put it through to the final.
Moldova – I’ve always liked this song but now I’m beginning to go off it a little, and last night’s performance didn’t really help. Whilst Lady D thought the extraordinary expanding dress was indeed a work of art, Mrs C wasn’t so keen on Aliona’s heavy breathing and the fact that they threw everything at it. Sometimes less is more. None of us had it in our top ten.
Ireland – Surprise of the night. It’s a good song, but Ryan absolutely nailed the performance and made it into a great song. Do you think they had to scour the continent to find two drummer/dancers with complementary tattoos, or was someone busy out back just beforehand with a stencil and a spray can? Pretty damn faultless, and my top score of the night. Nice earrings, Ryan. We all sent it sailing through.
Cyprus – Despina’s a big star back home and she gave a great performance of this dull song. She looked stunning in the dress but Mrs C pointed out how out of kilter her eyebrows were – and once we’d all seen that, you couldn’t take your eyes off them. Generally ok, nothing more. Mrs C thought she would go through in the repecharge – and she did.
Belgium – Roberto still looks a bit scared on stage, but wouldn’t you be with those fierce girls there with you? Look at that photo – she’ll have that jacket off in no time. It’s a great classic pop song, that I feared wouldn’t make it to the final, but I’m really pleased it did. Lady D drawing up another set of legal documents to adopt him – he’ll have to share the spare bedroom with Andrius. We all voted him through.
Serbia – Nothing can beat Ana Matronic’s comment that they look like Destiny’s Child as dressed by Hello Kitty. Totally weird presentation – don’t know if it was meant to be sexy but it certainly didn’t work for me. The song was as tedious as ever, and none of us voted for it. Looking at that picture, do you think the girls will come to regret this in later life?
So that means that I (the Eurovision fan) got six of the ten right and the ladies (Eurovision hangers-on) got seven. There’s no justice. Back for another post-mortem on Friday.