Eurovision Semi Final One 2014 – The Morning After

With Lady Duncansby and her butler William trekking through deepest north Devon, it was left to just Mrs Chrisparkle and I to crack open the white burgundy for the two hours’ journey into the unknown that is the first semi-final of this year’s Eurovision. Our task – to decide which ten of the sixteen songs we would put forward to Saturday’s Big Show. One thing’s for sure – we fly in the face of popular opinion on lots of these songs! Oh, and you can click on the picture to get a glorious close up.

Armenia – visually great, but I felt Aram’s vocals were occasionally a bit ropey, on reflection I’d have preferred Aram Mp3 to Aram Live. It came across to both of us as an extremely repetitive song, even after it comes to life halfway through. Having both wavered on the fence a bit, in the end neither of us put it through (yes, even though it was the bookies’ favourite).

Latvia – A bit like Engelbert a couple of years ago, this came too early in the proceedings to be the breath of fresh air that it is. The guys performed it much better than I was expecting, and its looseness and relaxed fun style suited the song perfectly. It remains my favourite song of this year’s entire offerings. We both put it through.

Estonia – Very good performance, the presentation made it appear like a crossover between music and contemporary dance. Maybe the power of the song got lost just slightly somewhere along the line – but it was still in my top 4 and we both voted for it to proceed.

Sweden – We’ve both always been very lukewarm on this song but there’s absolutely no doubt that Sanna sold it hook line and sinker. Even the “undo my sad love” bit didn’t ruin it. Plus, she looked gorgeous in one of Mrs C’s cast-offs. No question that we both thought it should qualify.

Iceland – When the colourful guys were doing all their whizzy dance moves in front of that vivid backdrop, I was reminded of the opening sequence to the old Jackson Five cartoon shows, remember? I was expecting the song to feel a bit more exciting than it did – I felt it laboured at times. Still there was something about it that made me send it through to the final, bur Mrs C didn’t.

Albania – Mrs C’s one word comment: “inaccessible”. Thought the guitarist in the polo neck looked a bit scruffy too. The song didn’t come over to us at all, and it was definitely my least favourite of the six so far. It was a no from both of us.

Russia – Common decency prevents me from using the word that Mrs C chose to describe their hair trick, but I guess they had to have some gimmicks in order to shift your attention from the utter beigeness of the song. I really wanted the see-saw to get stuck in the air. I know, I’m cruel. Mrs C showed the milk of human kindness, she put it through.

Azerbaijan – I love the slinky orchestration on this. Didn’t think Dilara was on top form vocally, her first “maybe nightfall” got me wincing. The lighting effect of the church background was a-ma-zing. This one sails over Mrs C’s head, and although I was expecting something better, it was still good enough for me to have it as one of my ten.

Ukraine – What is it with Ukraine and hamster wheels? Did they learn nothing in 2009? Visually though this was much tidier than when Svetlana was causing havoc with the Moscow stage, and the effect of the guy running fast in the wheel but getting nowhere made an interesting contrast with Mariya’s agent provocatrice act. I still think it’s a paper-thin song but very well masked by its performance. It was at this point that Mrs C started looking at work emails. We both gave it the thumbs up.

Belgium – Sadly Axel more or less ruined it by going over the top with the performance. It’s already a big song with a big guy and big words – it needed a bit more subtlety to survive and I fear he made it over-ripe. Mrs C has never liked it, and found the whole thing creepy. I expected to put him through to Saturday night, but in the final shake-up neither of us did.

Moldova – Cristina was struggling so hard with those low notes at the start and for me it declined from there on. Another rather over-the-top performance; just as I was about to implore her to keep her hair on, she didn’t. One way of getting back to your roots, I guess. On my score sheet I’ve written the words “ridiculous” and “awful”. Not a lot you can say to that really. It got my lowest score of the night. We both refused its visa application for Saturday.

San Marino – After the insanities of Belgium and Moldova, Valentina’s simple performance had a significant effect – as can be seen by the fact that she finally made it to the Saturday night. We both agreed that the song is “quite nice” and nothing more – but it was a winning performance. No overblown theatrics meant it we both sent it forward.

Portugal – So Suzy does have another dress after all. Not so much Suzyshake this time – slight disappointment – but she absolutely nailed the vocals and we both thought she gave a great performance. Sadly I think it’s one of those songs which lacks an initial impact, but grows on you during the course of the season, which is why it won’t be there on Saturday. We both loved it though, and gave it two thumbs up.

Netherlands – As soon as the introduction started, Mrs C sang “Every breath you take….” But in the same way that one likes that old Police song, this is also likeable. Vocally really strong, and you can see its potential for Saturday. Mrs C put it through no question, but I’m just not a Nashville guy.

Montenegro – Having seen Sergej at the London party and been amazed at his lack of stage charisma – sorry if that’s cruel – I was concerned how this would come over. No need, it was superb, and again a really strong vocal was a delight to hear. Forgive me, but I did want to see the irrelevant skater fall over though. We both had no hesitation in selecting it for the final.

Hungary – For me, probably the performance of the night. A fantastic combination of melody, words, drama, singing, action, and light show coming together for three minutes of magic. The only thing that bugged me slightly was Andras’ dropping his h. “She calls forrelp, she calls forrelp…” no wonder no one seems to care, they can’t understand what you’re saying, old chap. I thought the subject matter was going to be too dark for the show, but no, the drama stands out. We both said yes to Saturday.

So we weren’t very good at predicting, both getting 7 right. I had three bets on – Latvia, Portugal and Albania to qualify. A 0% success rate, then. Oh well, back to the drawing board…. See you Friday for more post-mortem!

Review – Screaming Blue Murder, Underground at the Derngate, Northampton, 2nd May 2014

Another very packed audience to see the penultimate Screaming Blue Murder comedy night for this season. Regular host Dan Evans was absent this time, so we were able to welcome Cheshire’s very own Kevin Dewsbury, whom we have seen a couple of times hosting here before and also his excellent Out Now show in Leicester earlier this year. Kevin has an instantly likeable personality the moment he gets on stage and you know you’re in safe hands. He quickly achieves a very good rapport with the crowd, and amongst his material he did his wonderful routine about speaking foreign words as though you are a native speaker of that foreign language – something I’ve been guilty of ever since Pamela Stephenson as Angela Rippon talked of Mr Mooogaaaabay’s gayreeellllaaas. I also love his putting-foot-in-it St Patrick’s Day routine.

First act up was Paul Pirie, who we have seen before and, frankly, on that occasion I didn’t enjoy his routine at all. He was crude without being funny, and very noisy – to the extent that his voice jarred on the microphone. This time he was massively better. His voice does still have a timbre to it that grates my eardrum, but his material, which mainly centres on his endlessly difficult relationship with his wife really hit my funnybone. I particularly liked his stuff about getting home drunk – not that I have any experience of that of course. Very good indeed – I’d just like him to deliver it all just a bit more quietly that’s all!

Second, and in a change to our advertised programme, we had Fern Brady, who was new to us. She had a nice sense of the ridiculous, with her excellent routine about foxes, but her generally downbeat persona slightly sapped the energy left over by Paul Pirie. Nevertheless, she had good material, and went down well with the audience.

Headlining was Jonny Awsum, with a surname like that he just has to be funny, no? He looks like a cross between Neil Morrissey and a friend of ours (who you won’t know, sorry) and he definitely spices things up with great attack and a very open, happy nature. He’s a man with a guitar and not afraid to use it, and we really enjoyed the way he involved the audience with his singing along – including making orgasmic noises to rhythm – including his very funny parody of Take That’s Back for Good. It was a very good way to finish off the evening and I am sure he was everyone’s favourite act of the night.

Only one more Screaming Blue to go now before the long, sad summer months!

Eurovision 2014 – The Grand Final

Welcome back gentle reader, and thanks for sticking with me on this review of all this year’s entries to the Eurovision Song Contest from sunny Copenhagen. We’re now left with the six remaining songs that are definitely through to the Saturday night, presented to you in alphabetical order. Once more, I’m also giving you the betting odds, courtesy of oddschecker.com (taking all the bookmakers who will give you the first four places each way, as at 25th April) and also giving each song a star rating out of 5. Let’s dive in!

Denmark – Basim – Cliché Love Song

The host nation returns with the third major dollop of Marmite in this year’s contest. Some people are raving about this, saying Denmark’s going to win the show two years in a row, hands down. To those people I say, are you out of your mind? How on earth did it take four people to put those lyrics together – did they just draw random words out of a hat? I admit, it’s an obscenely catchy tune (accurately described as Bruno Mars’ version of “You to me are Everything”) but destroyed for me by its (sadly successful) linguistic search for the lowest common denominator. Fortunately they’re now singing “another cliché baby” instead of the original words – google it if you don’t believe me. Surely no self-respecting jury would give this the time of day. However, it has a brilliant draw (23rd) and so will probably do very well. 8/1 to 9/1 *

France – Twin Twin – Moustache

And yet more Marmite; in fact this is a very yeast extract, 100% vegetarian year. When Moustache first hit our youtube screens a couple of months ago I thought it was a disastrous mess – and the live performance was frankly shoddy. However, I really enjoy the promo video, and in the studio version this is full of fun, with a singalong chorus that anyone can join in, even if the nearest they’ve been to la belle France is un Brie et grape sandwich. Strictly speaking, Twin Twin should be in capitals, but I didn’t want to shout at you. The lyrics, hard to catch because they get pelted at you faster than “terms and conditions may apply” on a radio advert, are a clever satire on today’s “I Want, Must Have” culture. Most people whose opinion I have sought on this one hate it. I suspect it will bomb. But I love it. 66/1 to 150/1 *****

Germany – Elaiza – Is it Right

This year Germany has gone for an all-girl group – nothing wrong with that – with traces of Ukrainian folk style in their music – nothing wrong with that either – and a self-penned song about a relationship break-up – which can be the source of great creativity. Sadly “Is it Right” is an extremely drab, cumbersome song that turns me off by the time I reach the third word. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my “right”s to have fewer than nine syllables (and my “undo”‘s to have less than five, while we’re at it). They seem to be having such a fun time in their promotional photographs – they must have been singing something else during the shoot. File this under “worthy”. 33/1 to 100/1 *

Italy – Emma – La mia Citta

ooray, it’s rock-chick time again. Ziggy Stardust’s Italian sister Emma came to prominence by winning a TV talent show four years ago and since then she’s had three Number One albums and four Number one singles so she’s obviously doing something right. She’s also a whizz on the guitar as well as a vocalist. On the scary scale she comes somewhere between Mei Finegold and Tijana. Great verse, but then the chorus lets it down a bit. I predict the sales of strawberry hair extensions to rocket. 40/1 to 66/1 ***

Spain – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing in the Rain

Ruth seems to divide opinions – mainly with those people who thought Brequette should have won the Spanish final. A common criticism is that she is a bit screechy, but we saw her at the London Party and I can tell you she was ace; no one will sleep through her Nessun Dorma. This isn’t the kind of song I would normally go for, but the ex-X-Factor girl makes it an occasion. If you’re in north-eastern France amuse your friends at your Eurovision party by singing “Dancing in Lorraine”. They’ll always remember you for it. Perhaps Spain’s best result in decades? An excellent each-way bet. 33/1 to 66/1 *****

UK – Molly – Children of the Universe

Last but not least it’s our Molly. She’s dropped the Smitten-Downes surname for the purposes of Eurovision which I’m sure will help the caption-writers. The rhythm and orchestration of the song have immediate impact, it’s quirky and the chorus has a memorable hook. On the down side, I think Molly needs to learn how to present an act better – she’s fine with an audience completely on her side but in competition I’m not sure how dynamic she’ll come across. She always reminds me of a San Francisco flower power girl circa 1968. Mrs Chrisparkle has a particular problem with Molly’s diction – she can’t work out a word she’s saying. Hard to call – could come anywhere between 1st and 25th. 10/1 to 14/1 ***

For the third year on the row, here is my little analysis of the songs that have received the most hits on the eurovision.tv youtube channel, as at the moment of writing. Last year Montenegro had received the most (did not qualify), followed by Ukraine in second place (came 3rd) and Denmark in third (came 1st) – so maybe there are a few hints to be gained from this exercise. As it stands at the moment here are the scores on the doors:

10th – Ukraine (450,195)
9th – Poland (494,763)
8th – Israel (541,993)
7th – Azerbaijan (576,248)
6th – United Kingdom (605,776)
5th – Italy (648,615)
4th – Spain (690,635)
3rd – Montenegro (837,945)
2nd – Austria (1,793,510)
1st – Armenia (2,196,541)

So maybe it really is Armenia’s to lose this year.

My top ten favourites this year?

In at number 10, it’s the not too scary Tijana with To The Sky for FYR Macedonia

At 9, it’s the much scarier Mei Finegold and Same Heart for Israel

My number 8 is Sebalter from Switzerland whistling his way through a posh hotel

7th place goes to the Slovenian flautist Tinkara with Round and Round

6 is the reflective Balkan charm of Sergej Cetkovic from Montenegro

At Number 5 that dubious material song from Hungary, Running

My 4th choice is for that earworm from Estonia, Tanja and Amazing

Top 3 – At 3 it’s the Greek Pet Shop Boys, Freaky Fortune plus young RiskyKidd and Rise Up

Runner-up those never satisfied French guys seeking a moustache

And my favourite song this year is the hopelessly doomed, Mary Berry-inspired Latvians with their Cake to Bake.

As to the winner? Choose from any of these ten:

Armenia
Spain
UK
Azerbaijan
Montenegro
Sweden
Romania
Malta
Belgium
Poland

This is an impossibly hard year to call!

Meet you back here the Wednesday after Semi Final one for a chinwag about the results? It’s a deal.